This is the start of another new year...

"Oh, well happy new year's baby
We could probably fix it if we clean it up all day
Or we could simply pack our bags
And catch a plane to Barcelona 'cause this city's a drag"
-Counting Crows "Holiday in Spain"

Well it's the end of the year, the end of the decade and the start of a whole new thing....

...or it's just another day. I guess it's how you look at it.

I'm off to work until 4 in the morning to make sure all the drunks in Toronto get home safe, so no parties for me tonight. But everyone have a safe and happy day! And a great new decade, too!

Take a little time out to think about where you were back in 1999. Worried about Y2K? Well, it's been ten years and I guess the sky hasn't fallen yet. What's changed and what's stayed the same? And where will the next 10 years take us all? It's interesting, if ultimately futile, to consider.

Well, good riddance 2009. Have a great 2010 everybody!

Christmas - Unwrapped!

Well, Christmas has come and gone, and it's the last day of my vacation...As I wait for 5 o'Clock to roll around and tell me what shift I'm working tomorrow, I thought I'd share a bit.

So it was a good year this year! It was nice to have the whole week off, and to actually spend Christmas day with my family on the correct day, rather than a few days after the fact. We had a great party last Friday and a nice down-on-the-farm Christmas at home afterwards. Great!

As a side note, I found it amusing how my generations has by and large given up on sending Christmas cards, and instead sends Christmas text messages. Starting at 10 am Christmas day with Brain and ending mid-afternoon Boxing Day with Trapper, I got a barrage of "Merry Christmas" text messages. It's nice...instant gratification without having to use a lot of stamps.

So loot! Got lots of assorted stuff. I was gonna list it off and show pics like I did last year, but then decided it would be more fun to just build a pile in my living room...


That's not too strange of me, is it? 6 new tables just screamed out "Pyramid!!" in my brain :)

Oh special props to brain for giving me a new monitor for my computer....finally I have moved into the 21st century! All this desk space is rather luxurious. I'm not used to being able to keep the mouse and the keyboard on the desk at the same time! Thanks dude!


Ha ha I just realized that in that pic the mouse pad is STILL hanging off the desk. Well, old habits die hard. Suffice to say that it doesn't HAVE to be like that now. It is simply a personal choice.

So yeah, good time had by all! Thanks to everyone who made me part of their Christmas this year! Here's to many more to come! Now we just have to live through another week and we'll have made it into a whole new decade! Hurrah!

Ok so I haven't been the best....

Where's Mike?

I know, I know, I've hardly blogged at all lately.

I could say that I've been really busy and haven't had an extra minute for writing.

I could say that nothing at all has been happening that is worth blogging about.

Of course, neither of those statements would be true. Truth is, I've been lazy. Just haven't been in a writing mood.

I blame George R.R. Martin. His "Song of Ice and Fire" series had, until just a few weeks ago, taken up all my spare time. No longer would I read for a while and then take out my notebook to write a few lines. Instead, I just had to race through this (so far) 4 book series.



Not that I'm complaining...great series and well worth reading. Assuming he ever finishes the next book(s). This was actually my second time through the first four books and I loved it even more on the second read-through. Oh, incidentally, "A Game of Thrones" is book one of the four that are currently out.

Moving along....my goal for this year was to do an average of one blog a week. I see that this blog will be #29 for 2009, which falls woefully short. HOWEVER, it is more than 2 a month, so I'm over halfway to my goal. For this I'll give myself a passing grade, albeit barely :) .

I did have a few ideas for blogs in my laziness. I was planning to review the above mentioned book series, but it would be sooo much work. Suffice to say it is excellent and you should all go read it.

I also wanted to review the excellent exclusive trailer for the Transformers Classics Optimus Prime figure that was made and released by Fansproject .


This lovely addition to the already excellent Classics Prime has made it probably my favourite Optimus figure of all time, or at least the second best after the original 1984 figure. Anyway, I took a bunch of pics and this review may actually come to pass some day, so I'll leave it at that for now. If you want to learn more, you can always check out the link posted above.

And of course, there have been some more personal goings on as of late, but I really ought not get into them on the 'net. Suffice to say that life continues to be interesting.

And now it's almost Christmas. I'll definitely get a Christmas blog in after the fact, and have a big party to go to tonight, so you'll probably get to check out some of the cool gifts I got soon enough. I'm already using a great one! More on that later. For now, in case I don't get back till after the 25th, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Habitually

Habitually I longed for you
Habitually I cried
Habitually I wondered why
You were not by my side
But I never stopped to understand
my sin, my foolish pride
for habitually I told you "choose"
habitually you couldn't decide

my waters turn from blue to red
the setting sun an open vein
and when you question what I've done
I'll find the strength to say your name

In my dreams I am a Wolf

In my dreams I am a Wolf
running through the nighttime lands
smell of dirt and leaves and snow and prey
beneath a pale blue moon

In my dreams I am a Tiger
stalking endlessly through grass
over streams awash with blood
beneath a summer sun

In my dreams I am a Dragon
Flying high above the earth
smell of scorched air and hot breath
I scream and pour my fire

In my dreams I am a Wolf
hunting through the nighttime lands
howling under starry skies
I search for you

In all my dreams I wander
and every night I stalk and pray
through endless lonely lands
I hunt for you

"as I walk
I walk alone
to the promised land
there's a better place for me
but it's far far away...."

Words are flowing out....

...like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting through my open mind
Possessing and caressing me
Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world..."

Of course something did change his world...life changes all of our worlds all the time. People come and people go, relationships change, jobs and living arrangements and health factors and random events hurtling through space and time change our worlds constantly, often tearing down what we've worked for years to build, and occasionally building up something we never expected to see. Saying "Nothing's gonna change my world" is highly optimistic. It's a nice thought though. I think even Mr. Lennon would agree. Years later he became more of a realist when he said "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans."

Now that, my friends, is true.

Happy Beatles Day! 09/09/09. I woke up at 9:09 am today too. Although I think maybe I didn't get out of bed till One After 909.


And tonight, with the advent of Rock Band: The Beatles, we can all be the Walrus.

Coo Coo Ca Choo!

The Disposable Man

I am in mourning for the end of a world

broken
transient
fleeting
disposable

I dreamt last night that I was made to move
to a place not of my own choosing

and in this forced relocation, many things that were precious to me were broken

my acoustic guitar
a favourite childhood toy
a gift from an old friend
and finally, my heart.

damaged and disposed of, and no one cared but me

left alone and lost, wondering who I could be
when the things that define me are tossed out with the trash

damaged
violated
lost

broken, disposable things from a
heartless, disposable man.

Have you seen me lately?

I thought that someone would notice
I thought somebody would say something
If I was missing
Can't you see me?

So despite my over-dramatic Counting Crows lyrics above, in the last week I have to admit that 5 different people have noticed and commented on the fact that I am missing from the internet lately. Not to worry, everything's more or less okay. I've just been in sort of a mood lately and too lazy or unmotivated to bother with blogging and Facebook and all that nonsense. I am blaming it on the summer thing, combined with a pretty crappy work schedule for the last 6 weeks that has left me tired and listless when I finally get home for the day. However, the summer's half-way through and my favourite time of year is right around the corner! AND the crappy work schedule is officially over as of TODAY! So there go all my excuses! Does my overzealous use of exclamation points make you believe that I may be coming out of my funk?!?! Yeah, I don't buy it either.

list⋅less

–adjective

having or showing little or no interest in anything; languid; spiritless; indifferent: a listless mood; a listless handshake.


Anyhow....So I have a week of random shifts starting tomorrow due to Simcoe Day on Monday. Kind of a pain but the holiday pay is worth it, and after that I should be back in a less demanding routine for 3 or 4 weeks...at least until Labour Day. What happens then? Who knows....

Yeah that's about all I have to say....I was just a little flattered that people missed me so I thought I better leave a quick note to explain. I'll be back one of these days...

I remember me
And all the little things that make up a memory
Like she said she loved to watch me sleep
Like she said:
"It's the breathing, it's the breathing in and out and in and..."
Have you seen me lately?

creature

lonely creature haunts my head
wicked thoughts lie in my bed
want to lie with you instead
tonight

whispers that could end it all
reruns of my greatest fall
eating at my one and all
tonight

creature that abhors the light
clawing at my sad birthright
lost the will to try and fight
tonight

depression rears it's ugly head
dark angel floating near my bed
a frightening thought of time ill-spent
tonight

here i am and all alone
wondering if you'll come on home
creature sitting on his throne
tonight.....

Canadian days....

So I meant to do an update on Canada day, but since I didn't get home until 3 am after working a lovely evening shift, I didn't quite get around to it. However, a happy belated Canada day to all and also happy 4th of July to my American friends. I've always been fond of Canada day for a few reasons. First, I am quietly proud to be a Canadian citizen. All through my childhood, growing up in the States, I was known as "that Canadian kid" and it always gave me a sense of pride, a sense of being something different from the norm. Ironically, upon my return to Canada in 1987 I became known as the American kid. This in particular since I had developed an accent (since shed) from my time spent in the mid west. The story of my life...although I am generally like everywhere, I don't quite fit in anywhere.

Anyhow, since my return to Canada back in 1987 I have come to appreciate the country for different reasons. Canada has a quiet dignity and an abundance of natural beauty that is sometimes understated but always present. Even here, in the heart of our country's largest city and in the middle of a garbage strike, the natural beauty of the country presents itself. In one of the biggest cities on the continent, I can still feel like I am in the middle of the woods by just walking ten minutes away from my apartment building. We have rivers, we have beaches, we have forests and meadows..not to mention some "great" lakes, all within Toronto city limits. This is an amazing thing. It's no wonder that I am annoyed by those who litter here in Toronto. They don't know just how lucky they are.

Of course the USA had some beautiful scenery and natural wonders also. Our are less obvious though, and thus suit my taste just a little more. It's a quirk of mine.

The second reason that I am fond of Canada day is that it is also the halfway point of the year. It's a good time to take stock of what you've been doing so far and what, if anything, needs to be changed. Can be just the kick in the ass that you need to finally get around to accomplishing all those tasks that you've been putting off for the last 6 months. For myself, I certainly need to finally file my taxes. Luckily I don't owe any money so there are no penalties, but seriously...that should have been done months ago. I also desperately need a brake job for my car that I've been putting off, not wanting to spend the money. Oh, and there's that little matter of finally actually filing for divorce rather than simply being legally separated. I really ought to get around to that.

Speaking of accomplishing things, I thought I'd update on how the book writing is going. First off, my ambitions of writing 500 words a day from my last post are falling far, far short. I learnt in short order that I need to be in the right state of mind or else my writing is terrible. Thus, I've decided to write at my own pace rather than force myself to an arbitrary number of words per day. Better to write 50 words that I enjoy than 500 that I dislike. It's actually a fairly simple concept, but it hadn't immediately occurred to my poor, goal-oriented brain.

As far as the story itself, it is coming along quite well in my brain and on paper...filled another 6 pages hand-written in my notebook just today...and the story has expanded in my head as I realize that it may take a lot more than 30,000 words to tell. So I am content. As long as I can keep motivated to continue writing, at whatever pace I choose, then I am happy. Hopefully I won't lose interest until I finish for once. Time will tell. Thanks for the support from those who are interested in what I have to write! It is a huge motivational factor for me to think that someone other than I might care about it....

So that's the first week of July for you. Happy birthday Canada and America! Now everyone back to work!

burnt

crispy life
crispy things
burnt the toast
burnt my skin
your flesh
too hot to touch
never be
this way again
fire hydrant
flame retardant
make me smile
& hurt myself
your eyes
so ablaze
burnt a hole
into my brain

where are all the heroes
that have come to save the day?

fire crackers
fire starters
too much heat
for me to stand
no one knows
big disappointment
tie me up
& start again

never saw a hero who
might come to save the day.

De-Blogged

So I know I haven't blogged much lately and I'm not making my writing quota and all that, although I may be more or less on target for June. Whatever. In this case, I have an excuse...

Yesterday, rather than do my semi-usual Sunday blog, I sat down and started writing what I am hoping I can turn into a book. I don't know if it's too early to say anything yet or whatever, but I was really inspired last year with everyone's participation in NaNoWriMo and thought to myself "You know, it doesn't seem that hard! I could do that!"

Anyway, my problem has always been that, while I think my writing skills are on par with most writers, my inspiration levels are very low. Write a song, and essay or a short story? No problem! Try and write something that goes past 3000 words? HARD AS HELL! Maybe it's my attention span or whatever, but I just have a hard time coming to terms with that much writing. That being said, I finally decided that looking at writing this way just sabotages my efforts. I also tend to hurt myself by wanting to have an entire novel planned in my head before word one goes on paper. While some writers actually do this, I think it's too forbidding. Makes it seem like work, which it shouldn't be. I write to entertain myself, so why shouldn't I just start? If I write myself into a corner, who cares?

So like I said, after reading what various people did last year for the aforementioned NaNoWriMo I was fairly inspired. The thought of 30,000 words is intimidating but the thought of 1000 words a day is not. And I don't even have to be that good. I am setting myself a target of 500 words a day over 2 months. So far I'm already past that, but of course it's only been 2 days, so whatever.

I also have help in that I have a volunteer that will let me read her what I've written and seems interested in forcing me to continue if I lose motivation. If anyone can do it, she can.

Flattery last night when she heard what I wrote on the first day....and I quote "Wow you can actually write like that?"

She meant it in a good way! Hmmm...at least, that's how I'll take it!

Anyway so if this blog doesn't get updated that often, it's because my writing energies are getting sucked into this new universe I'm creating. Perhaps when I've got a few thousand more words under my belt I'll post an excerpt. Wish me luck!

Shiny Monsters

Feel the need to cut off all my dead parts
dead nails
...............dead skin
dead hair
...............dead heart
to grow all new parts just for you
and be the man I wanted to

Need something bad to say about you
to make me feel I'm good enough too
something I can pick apart
so I won't have to grow a new heart

pretty girl still lies in my bed
crazy thoughts still run through my head
"I think I'm dumb or maybe just happy"
Now I understand what he said

Commitment to a greater cause
ignore their foolish natural laws
fight them 'till we fall apart
or glue together shattered hearts
a happy cancer to feast on
a growing gift to dwell upon
I'll be whatever I need to
I'll wear a mask so I'll keep you

but you don't ask it
happy love
you don't need change to rise above
you'll just see through
my quick disguise
and know me when I try to hide

So what can I conspire to do
except perhaps to tell it true
and live the way I wanted to
and hope that it's enough for you

I never thought I might be good enough for you

laughing mobster
steal my breath
happy monster
chew my death
lick the blood
off of my heart
shiny monster
never part

do anything so I can think I'm good enough for you.

June Babbles On

So June is here....Today I wore a sweater and a jacket and the wind coming in felt more like October. What's up with that?

Anyway, I don't have much to say today, but I feel bad that I only completed 50% of my target blogs for the month of May and thus I better get June off to a better start! Unfortunately, I really have little idea of what to talk about right now.

Well, how about some quotes from the month of May....try and figure out who said what. If I paraphrase, well....too bad....

"My day was....ultimately...lazy!"

"Index finger, middle finger, ring finger, pinkie finger....Index finger, middle finger...what? Shhhh....shutup!!! ring finger, middle finger...."

"Thanks tips!"

"You gotta watch Religulous...and take notes!"

"I knew you were watching Dogma as soon as I came in because I saw Alan Rickman's fake crotch"


Okay enough of that....I actually had considered talking about religion, having watched both Dogma and Religulous in the last month, and perhaps I still will, but I just don't have the energy right now. I spent most of the evening clearing out my bedroom and living room because they're spraying my apartment for bed bugs tomorrow. I was kind of suprised. I always thought bed bugs were just things made up for fantasy novels, or perhaps that they used to exist in olden times but have long since been extinct. Well, apparently not. Ain't life grand?

Oh well, all in all it's been a good month. Although good months leave me little to talk about it would seem! Perhaps I can find a happy medium for June....

Oh that reminds me....Why did 3 of the 4 summer movies I wanted to see come out in May? I saw them all....Wolverine, Star Trek and Terminator: Salvation. Star Trek was by far the best, which is shocking as it was the one I was least interested in. The others were cool too, though...I don't know why everyone was complaining about them. Anyway, the problem is that now I only really want to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen for the rest of the summer, and it isn't even super-hot-escape-to-the-theater weather yet! What's up with that? Is May the new July?

Okay, so I'm babbling. Whatever...I'll analyze something or write a weird poem or something next time. Maybe. Have a nice June!


Oh one final note...apparently it was 42 years ago today that Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band was released. Go listen to it right now!

Reevaluation: Level 1

So shockingly enough I've been doing a lot of thinking about my circumstances lately. I know, I know, that's so unlike me. Anyway, I've come to a few conclusions, the specifics of which I can't really get into right now. However, I will mention a few highlights.

1. I tend to overanalyze situations far too frequently. I mean we all know that I'm just going to go with my gut in the end, despite how crazy or self destructive that impulse is, so why all the wasted grey matter? Perhaps it's because I have too much time in a meditative state on the train. What else am I going to do with the ghost in the machine while my body goes through the motions of keeping the city mobile? In any case, putting some thought into my actions is certainly not a bad thing, but lately it's getting ridiculous...particularly since all that thought has little relation to my decisions or reactions. If anything, it only helps me to justify the action I was going to take anyway.

2. I'm at my best when I'm feeling just a little lost or troubled. I think I feed on my own complications far too voraciously. At some point I have to wonder if I subconsciously sabotage myself just so that I'll have more fodder for the creativity furnace. I feel more at peace when I'm dealing with drama and I write and just in general think better when I am writing or thinking about pain. It doesn't have to be my own either. I want to watch you bleed, too, even as I try my best to help you lick your wounds. My darkest or most melancholy thoughts always come to the surface when I'm writing, and this serves the dual purpose of both creating interest or conflict in my writing and purging me of those feelings. Once they are expressed, they are dealt with. I think. Although not always...some feelings need to be expressed over and over and over and over. Some will never ever be dealt with. What can ya do?

Curiously, the misery that was the last bit of my marriage did not produce these same results. That was more of a numbing experience than anything else. I wonder what's up with that?

3. I don't really know what I want. I think I do, but I don't. Nearly every time I decide I want something all of the sudden other possibilities come into play that make me reconsider. Then it becomes a decision between chasing this new dragon or sticking with the old one. At least I rarely regret my decisions once made. It just strikes me as odd...so often I go from a drought to a downpour with so little in between. The fluidity of this desert life. Inconsistency of thought and emotion...it's a mad world, and I rule it with an iron heart. Actually, I don't. Rereading the above, I have to say that often the choice is no choice at all. My actions are dictated beforehand, not by fate or destiny, but simply because being who I am, I have no other option than to choose one path over the other. Birds must sing, brides must cry, clowns must drink too much, and I have to do what I have to do. It's hard to explain this without going into examples that I'd rather not examine, but basically my personality, my "self", dictates my behaviour despite my own sometimes-better instincts.

4. There are some relationships that I thought were dealt with and clearly defined and that I now know are not. I won't get into specifics here but it is interesting. Actually, now that I consider it further, how can any relationship or even simple interaction with any other human being EVER be clearly defined? We're all flitting from idea to idea and feeling to feeling like flies on a bloated body. Put two people in the same room and you have near infinite potential. Wars, religions, mass suicides and surprise birthday parties may all be planned. Add a third person and you may cause Armageddon. Or you may have a few drinks and watch Star Wars for the 473 time. Certainly seems more likely. However, the possibility of anything happening is right there in that room. That's probably why our so-called "leaders" make sure that we're all numb and sated on TV and sex and religion and drugs and commercialism. Helps make it easier to maintain the status quo.

So where am I going with all these lovely new insights? No where really. Change may be in the wind, but it will be at a time and a place of my choosing. And it will likely happen so gradually that you'll never even notice. Or not...historically speaking it could go either way. In the meantime, here we have a lovely little look into Mike's thoughts, or should I say Stryder's dementia? Enjoy!

M'Aidez! aka "With a Little Help From My Friends"

Ok, well technically it's not May Day, but rather May the second, but as the little worm in the Labryinth says, "that's close enough!"

Not a lot to say today, except ask and ye shall receive:

"This Morning (And You Were Gone)"

Doris and I recorded this last night...song I wrote and of course you all know the words since you all read my last blog

Right? Right!

We also recorded another version of this song and lots of other fun stuff, covers and improv, with what is quickly becoming our new band! I'm sure now and then this stuff will show up on the net so stay tuned! Another jam session is slated for next Thursday!

Can you tell I'm psyched? Nice!

King of the Rain

I watched the rain
splash against the window of a moving train
and I think of you
and what all this
could possibly mean to me

I sit alone
trying to remember what
brought me to this moment in my life

I watch the rain
and wonder how I'll ever figure out
what to do next.

"And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There but for the grace of you go I"

This little set of words just came to me as I sat in the subway today driving through the open area between Warden and VP and saw the windows covered with rain and all the leaves coming out on the trees and really it's a very pretty area, at least if you're facing North. It really drove home a point for me. It's already almost May and 1/3 of the year is gone and it's Spring and just...wow. Where does the time go? Honestly as much as I was tired of Winter, my lust for snow and ice sated again, I am still not really in a Springtime state of mind. Well, that's not completely true. Better to say that I am erratically in a Springtime state of mind. I've been moody and weird for the last two weeks and I am not really sure why. Since my first day at the beach, it's like my two different "selfs" are fighting for dominance in my brain. I hope the happy, sunny one wins but that's not always the way.

The past has been giving me all sorts of buried treasures lately. In many ways the person I feel I am trying to become right now is the person whom I deserted back in 2001....He's returned and I couldn't be happier about it. Not that I want to regress, but I feel that I need to reconnect to who I was then to know where I can go now. On the other hand, thinking of the past for the last few weeks has brought up a lot of old memories and feelings likely best left buried. I suppose I'll have to deal with them now, instead of suppressing them. Damn. Well, perhaps better late than never.

I find it strangely appropriate that I haven't felt like myself since almost the beginning of the decade, and that I am finally coming back at very nearly the end. What will the next 8 months bring? Time will tell.

Speaking of my first beach trip, here are the lyrics to the song I wrote that day:

i woke up this morning
my hands were bleeding
my lips were cracking
my throat was raw
i couldn't see you
i was all alone again
i woke up this morning and you were gone

i woke up this morning
i couldn't feel you
i couldn't seem to find the will to carry on
but the sun was shining
and I knew I needed
i woke up this morning to find you gone

so i spent all day sitting by the shore
spent all day wondering what this life was for
if I didn't need you any more

i woke up this morning
i was finally free
looking for answers that i don't think i can see
when you can't see me
i woke up this morning and you were gone

Oddly, both this song and the poem at the beginning of this post have one thing in common. When I say "me" I am talking about myself. When I say "you" I am also talking about myself. OR I could be. It's a mystery. It's one interpretation.

See, even talking to myself I'm just a little confused right now.....

On Another Sunday Morning in April

A shaft of sunlight fell across my
still dreaming face
and lay there
like a warm, caressing hand

I close my eyes to view
a suddenly red world of skin and blood
flowing, glowing
lit from without

and for a moment, I thought I saw you
that it was your hand so warm on my face
that it was your light shining so brightly on my interior world
lighting up my insides
making every pulse
every heart-beat
glow

For just a moment, I thought it was you at last.

Heavier Than Heaven

So I've been contemplating suicide recently....

Nobody panic. It's not like that, not for myself. I would never do away with myself. I've got too much interest in what happens next. Plus I've seen first-hand the crushing emotional backlash the people left behind have to deal with. Couldn't do it, so don't worry.

Won't say I haven't thought about it though. I think everyone born in my generation has considered it once or twice at least. Probably they think of it in every generation, but I haven't really discussed it with anyone born earlier than 1970.

Anyhow, what I should say is that I have been contemplating the idea of suicide in general lately, but of course my opening sentence has a much nicer kick to it, don't you think? There are actually several reasons the subject has been on my mind. The first is that I just recently finished reading a biography of Kurt Cobain entitled "Heavier Than Heaven." Great book, very interesting read. I haven't researched it much to see if it is completely accurate but whether it is or not, it is definitely worth reading.

Now, Kurt Cobain killed himself. Man, that screwed up a lot of people. I remember living through all the angst-ridden teenagers depressed about his suicide. I actually didn't even care at the time. Wasn't a big Nirvana fan when Kurt was actually alive. Sure, I had a few albums I'd dubbed off of my friend's CDs, but I wasn't huge into it. Later on, maybe 3 or 4 years after the fact, suddenly I started listening to Nirvana constantly, and they became one of my favourite bands for years. I know, I missed the boat on that one...

The main thing I remember about the night Kurt blew his head off is that I got into a huge fight with my dad. I was 17 at the time and was at my girlfriend's house with several friends. We'd rented some movies and were just hanging out drinking a bit when we started watching the MuchMusic news and heard about the suicide. Saw Courtney reading the suicide note. All very interesting with a lovely "morbid fascination" vibe that we all got off on. None of us were crying buckets about his death, though. In the middle of this, the phone rings and shockingly, it is my dad calling. I take the phone into my girlfriend's bedroom and my father and I proceed to get into a huge shouting match on the phone. Apparently I was to come straight home because Kurt Cobain had shot himself and I owned some of his albums so now I might also commit myself to an early grave. As if. I was so mad about this call that I was literally yelling into the phone, but of course, in the end, being a still-dutiful son (for a few more months, but we'll get into that another time) I returned home to bum away my night in my room being depressed. Honestly, just the effect my parents were worried about..instead of having fun with my friends I moped about by myself. A self fulfilling prophecy on their part.

Interesting side note on this story....My girlfriend's brother walked by her bedroom while I was on the phone and pretty much figured that we were in the middle of a messy break-up, due to all of the yelling. Imagine his surprise when he walked into the living room and saw her sitting there still. Who was Mike shouting at? It apparently blew his mind a bit.

So getting back to the book, "Heavier Than Heaven" was an excellent read because finally you get to learn something more about the man and maybe glimpse why he did what he did. It was hard to know Kurt through his music and interviews and such...he was a larger than life figure and lied about a lot of things to the press. And of course his lyrics were purposely vague and muddled....very artistically written but hard to garner much information from without knowing some back story. Perhaps that is what made them so universal and beloved. Who can say?

My favourite part about the whole story was the love between Kurt and Courtney. Granted, very untraditional, but there was a real relationship there and some ideas that I'd love to implement in any future relationships I might one day have. For example, the two of them took turns reading each other to sleep at nights...I would LOVE this. They also both seemed completely enchanted with their daughter. Both would give anything for her and it seems like Kurt really gave his life for her in the end. A life-long self-loathing and self-abusing person, with deep abandonment issues, poor Kurt decided that his life was wretched due to his increasingly bad stomach pains and his junkie ways, and that his daughter would be better off without him. A stupid, stupid conclusion, but I think that's why he did it. Trying to make the world a better place for his daughter by removing himself from it. Sigh.

Well, read the book if you get a chance. You'll learn a lot. I laughed, I cried, I got far less sleep than I should. I was even inspired to borrow some of Kurt's writing technique for my most recent effort.

Kurt's death isn't the only factor in my recent contemplation of suicide. A few days after I finished reading the book, I discovered that a co-worker of mine had hit a 17 year old boy with a subway train. The kid had a suicide note in his pocket and had decided that death by subway train was preferable to living in a world where his girlfriend had broken up with him, apparently. Sad. At 17, to give it all up like that? Wow. It shook me as well since the subway driver was a guy I worked with for at least 12 weeks and I could just as easily have been driving that train. People don't think about who they might affect when they jump in front of a train like that....but then I guess by the time you are committed to suicide you are in such a selfish place that you wouldn't care any more. Still, it's not a good time. I don't want to see your head turn into hamburger in front of my eyes....go kill yourself somewhere private, asshole. Or better yet, grow some balls and live!

Anyway, that didn't really truly get to me either. It simply made me stop and go "hmmmmmm." The thing that really drove me into deep thought about this topic happened yesterday afternoon. I was driving my train over the Bloor Viaduct (for you non-Torontonians that's a big bridge over a valley). Just minding my own business, going about my day as per usual. Suddenly, about 150m in front of me right in the middle of the bridge I see a person.

"I don't remember seeing a blue light for track patrol on the bridge," I thought to myself.

I slowed the train and blew the horn and waited for the appropriate flashlight or flag signals from the person at track level to tell me to proceed. These signals did not come. Instead, the person started walking towards me. Having not received the appropriate signals I brought the train to a stop and waited, opening my driver's window to look out at this guy. He was quite close to me when I realized that he did not have any of the appropriate gear and that his hoodie was only half pulled on, leaving one arm hanging at a strange angle. Clearly, this was not an employee, but rather an "unauthorized person at track level."

I watched the man approach through my window, looking at details so I could make a description. White guy, average height, skinny, glasses, right arm not in his hoodie and hanging oddly, black baseball cap, left hand cut and bleeding. I stuck my head out the window and strangely I thought for a second that I knew this man. There was a strange feeling of kinship here. I spoke to him, but I didn't yell or use my "Driver Authority Voice" as I normally would. I just looked at this person and asked, "Hey what are you doing down here?" as calmly as I might ask a friend I wasn't expecting to see.

He looked up at me with one of the most haunted gazes I have seen in my life. Glassy eyes, tears that have yet to fall. A look that seemed alien but one that I could relate to as all-too-human and all-too-familiar. I guess it's a look that is hiding somewhere inside all of us. This is why I felt I knew him. In a way it was like gazing in a mirror.

"I couldn't do it." was all he said. I was held in his gaze and couldn't respond until he looked away and walked past my window. There was no doubt to what he meant.

"Well, that's good," I replied. But I was quiet and I doubt he heard me. He had already passed, receding off the bridge and into the darkness of the tunnel, vanishing from sight.

I of course called transit control and they shut down power and made sure an ambulance was there when the man emerged into Castle Frank subway station. I guess I saved him from being electrocuted or hit by a train at least. He had dislocated his shoulder and the ambulance people dealt with that as well. I wish I could have done more.


"I couldn't do it."


I'm glad, sir. Somehow I doubt you'll ever read this, but if you do....I feel for you. I hope you get the help you need and deserve. I'm sure you have your reasons for almost doing it, but just know, you're not alone.

So that is why I have been contemplating suicide lately. "Heavier than heaven" indeed.....

Recovering the satellites...

so I'm here waiting for plans to form and I decided to blog and I have two different things I want to blog about but instead of either of them I just stood on the balconey and looked out at my ever-changing view.

the moon is almost perfectly full tonight and it's reflecting on the lake like some kind of dream. The tiniest ripples cascade the circle of the moon into a billion points of silver and it's so beautiful I think I might just cry.

It's erased all the thought from my mind and all I want to do is stare at it out the computer window. How can this world be so bleak and grey one moment and so fantastical the next? I don't understand existence at all. What can all of this mean? If the medium is the message than what is the world trying to say?

Am I a throw-back? How come I can stare for hours at such a sight when so many people shrug and blow it off? I know, it'll be back tomorrow and every month for my entire life, but is continuity any reason for a lack of amazement? Am I the only person who sees this? Did television and the internet and the clog of a trillion electric lights remove any sense of amazement we as a species can find in natural light and natural beauty?

Perhaps I am just obsessed with water and light. Perhaps I must stop to consider that maybe the problem is me.

I can't get over how wondrous that view is. I'll appreciate it all alone if I must.


"She sees shooting stars and comet tails
She's got heaven in her eyes
She says I don't need to be an angel
But I'm nothing if I'm not this high
But we only stay in orbit
For a moment of time "

stream of consciousness has it's revenge!

I am poison wrapped in skin
alcohol phenomenon
taste the sweetness of my sin

make you feel the way I do
reluctant martyr speaking true
will be a martyr just for you

prison sentence got off light
where to find the will to fight
all my will's tied up in insight

tell me what this life is for
lay me down on mud-drenched floor
bury me behind closed doors

kill me sweetly deep blue eyes
looks to burn and paralyse
free me from my bleak disguise

show me love and blooming trees
show me heaven; on our knees
kneeling to our fantasies

illusion makes me want to cry
it never seems in short supply
on naked thought I strive to spy

i'll make you my reluctant muse
sharing moon-drenched clouded views
hand in hand we'll be abused

what am I but dust and skin
trying hard to let you in
without the knowledge to begin

poison........................resource
fatal............................habit
treacherous................family
unstoppable...............heartbeat

i love you
i want you
i need you
cannot find the words to say
i need you
i want you
i love you
befriend the words to my cliché

in a thousand years it never matters anyway

Excerpts from the Beach

So I woke up this morning in a very contemplative mood and looked out the window and saw the sunshine and knew that today was the day. I had to go to my beach and reclaim my lost self, or at least ponder existence for a few hours. So I packed up my acoustic guitar, my iPod, a biography of Kurt Cobain, a bottle of rye and diet and a brand new, untouched notebook and off I went. It was great. I wrote a huge journal and I wrote a new song. Some of this writing I thought might be worth sharing so as i sit here and listen to Leonard Cohen and sip bourbon, I'll type out a few excerpts from the journal (possibly edited for clarity or artistic license):

"Here I am at the beach....once again looking for answers.

What draws me to this place time and again? I was thinking about this as I took my tightrope walk (where the ocean meets the land) once more. I think it's several things.

First, I love that all four elements come together in such a powerful and natural way, uncontrived and obvious - unmistakable. The force behind this soothes me....I can listen to the waves, feel the wind in my hair and experience the sand and rocks under my feet, the sun beaming down from heaven, now a caress, by and by a hammer's fall. I am molded into a new entity as I step along the edge of the world. Or perhaps I am just returned to myself. The ultimate reset button.

That brings me to the second reason i love the beach...the many possibilities for metaphor. As I walk along I feel I walk the edge - between the known and the unknown, the past and the future, life and whatever comes next. I can look out on eternity... To gaze at something so much bigger than me, than us, than all of us - older than civilization, older than time, unknowable and uncontrollable...the seas had to part to reveal the land....i can't help but love the seductive combination of serenity and chaos that is as deep as a soul and just as unfathomable.

The lake IS seductive...powerful and sexy and with a strength I don't understand. I can relate to the siren's song, even if I don't know how to answer it's call. Mysterious. "

There is a lot more to the journal, but you get the idea...once I finished my writing I smoked a cigarette and pulled out the guitar...nothing like playing with the sound of waves crashing on rocks as percussion....I almost immediately started playing a new riff and the next thing I knew I had a song. I haven't decided yet if it's a good song, but it was just what I needed to do today. I am finally feeling like myself again, after all these years...perhaps for the first time since 2002 I feel like I am becoming me again...maybe it's just a trickle of water inside me right now, but I feel the water rising, and soon the dam might just burst. If you're standing near me, you may be splashed....we can only hope

the little boy that sits on the mountain with his cowboy hat is me. He's still there inside after all....i was worried he was gone for good....

To begin with...

Our thoughts flitted around like hummingbirds in a meadow
frenetic
filled with life and sound
a kind of music
the too-quick beats of tiny, fragile hearts
a haze of red and blue
green
never settling on a single subject,
but sampling them all

love
trust
sadness
death
the search for higher meaning
or something less defined

why should we have just one conversation
when we can taste everything?

Had the strangest dream

I dreamt today that I was sitting in a train in the subway yard (which we don't really do) eating my lunch and that I bumped the brakes on and off. Suddenly a huge gust of wind took over the train and it jumped the tracks and starting careening wildly about the dreamscape of my mind. Bucking and rolling sideways, I narrowly avoided hitting a children's birthday party, a graduation, a governor's ball and some sort of garden party. Sadly, I did managed to ram several cars, however they were parked. Many of my co-workers saw what was going out and rushed over to check it out. One suggested I jump off the train, but another was like, "No, stay on it looks like fun!" and this is what I chose. Eventually the train started going around in circles in a large parking lot where it ran out of steam and finally settled down.

Afterwards, I walked back to the division to go talk to the bosses about this incident. As I went, I tried to see what time it was but my watch would show me everything except the time. I could see cartoons, kaleidoscopic images, a timer, various other watch-like functions, and even a function that made the watch grow to 5 times it's size, making it look like a watch that perhaps bugs bunny would wear. However, I could not determine the time of day, and was rather worried as I knew I had to go and drive another train at some point. I also realized at this point that I was not in uniform. I had my correct jacket but was otherwise dressed in sweat pants and a t-shirt. So I began to get quite worried about getting home to change clothes before coming back to work as well. First though, I had to go see the boss.

I got to the bosses office and it was in an open area with a big round table, a la king Arthur. Seated there were the big boss, his assistant, another supervisor and several random operators. I went to sit down and when I did a guy and girl who were obviously a couple sat down next to me. Actually the guy sat next to me and the girl sat on my lap and proceeded to speak to the guy without even acknowledging my presence. I thought I might speak up, but then the bosses started talking to me. They asked what happened and I replied that I had no idea. I had bumped the brakes for a second but there was no way that a train should react that way. All three nodded and then they got up to leave. I was like, "is that it?" and they replied that they would need to investigate the matter further and then they left.

So here I am alone at this round table with this random girl sitting on me. Sometime during my conversation her boyfriend had left so she suddenly deigned to notice my presence. She apologized for sitting on me but thought I wouldn't mind as she is very light. I basically said that I guess it didn't matter but that I had to get up now and leave to go get changed, so she got up and let me leave. Once again I tried to check the time but now my watch was doing crazy things, spinning and growing and shrinking at random and shooting out rainbow coloured lights. A co-worker noticed and asked where I had gotten the watch, as he thought it was cool. "I don't know," I replied, "it was a gift."

I decided to go to my car to get home and also check the time, but I couldn't find it in the confusion Instead I ended up wandering around and around the parking lot searching and hoping the runaway train hadn't crushed it, all the while getting more and more anxious about being able to change and return to work on time to get my next train.

That's where my dream ended. Classic rock woke me from my nap and it took me several minutes to realize that, as fantastical as that was, it was only a dream.

but what does it mean, exactly?

Musings on Bread

How I feel pity
for that last lonely piece of bread
left to sit in the bag
in the back of the fridge

he'd always been different
he didn't fit in
he'd only ever glimpsed one other piece like him
(and she was so much farther up the social scale)
and now all the others are gone
they coupled up and left him.
How come they don't split up evenly?
why is he left alone
mouldering away
in the back of the fridge?

Oh silly piece of bread
it's no crime to be different
and the reason you are alone
is because all the others have been devoured.

Halfway Through February

halfway through February
and i think about what I'll say
when next I see your face
your pretty smile
your snide looks and sarcastic comments
(if I ever see your face again)

is it wrong that I'm happier to be here alone?
is it strange that I don't want to know?
or are those just the things I tell myself when I want to forget?
("try to tell myself the things I try to tell myself to make myself forget...")

I used to feel that everything in my world would fall into place if I could just make it revolve around you
I used to think that the words "Love, Always" meant something
why must I be reminded every February, when life is always at it's lowest ebb?
I already know I made a mistake.
I did what I thought I had to do.
I was wrong and I am sorry.

halfway through February and sorry means even less than "Love, Always"

this is a letter to someone who will never read it
this is a message to myself
this is the last leaf in the breeze from an Autumn best forgotten
this is a cold world
it's halfway through February.

what did I expect?

Could you tell me why you're leaving?

Okay so I had trouble sleeping again last night. Perhaps I got 5 hours but most likely less. I also couldn't sleep at nap time. Oh for those that don't know, I work a split shift, which means I wake up at 4:30 in the morning to start work at 6am and finish around 6pm, but with 2-4 hours in between which shall forever after be known as "nap time". Anyhow, being the insomniac that I am, I rarely get more than 6 hours of sleep before 4:30 so I try to come home and sleep another hour during my split...sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I don't sleep at all during the night or during nap time and just end up awake for days. It's very hit or miss. I'm not sure if it's no peace cause I'm wicked or no rest cause I'm good but at the end of the day it's two sides of the same coin.

SO. What was I saying. Oh, so I spent the evening tonight with very little sleep, watching the movie "Clerks." once again and drinking all of my friend Michael's whiskey (sorry dude. There will be another bottle here before I come home from work tomorrow night). I realized that first of all I have a lot more on my mind than I want to admit, and second of all that "Clerks." is a great movie and that I relate far to well to Dante Hicks, despite WANTING to be Randall.

So what is on my mind? It's hard to explain. I guess I've been thinking the most about my various relationships and the toll they've taken on my mental and emotional capacity.

Wow well that's analytical. What I have really been thinking about is how every girl I ever loved has left and I've never fully understood why. They all have reasons, but what changes? I always start out so strong, and in the end, I'm lucky if I'm not wished dead. I don't think I change....I do what I can, most would say too much, to try and keep people happy. I give a lot, and I am faithful and honest. Yet somehow, whatever I have to offer is never enough. I don't get it. At least I know I am not alone. I think there must be thousands, no, millions of people, men and women, who feel this same way. What it boils down to is "Why am I so easy to leave? How can you just stop loving someone?" or even more simply "What changed?"

Sadly, in my experience, no one can ever explain these things. I know I've had to dump a few girlfriends in the past, but I always had concrete reasons. But of all the times I've been dumped, I've never really gotten a good reason. Just that the feelings have changed. But why? How? Perhaps Shakespeare was right in "Hamlet"

Ophelia: "'Tis brief my lord."
Hamlet: "As woman's love."

Sums it up I guess. Anyway, I am just in downer Winter mode, and dwelling on the past too much today I guess.

Wait, wait. This is me apologizing for how I feel. Which brings us back to me being Dante. Why do I apologize to people that hurt me? Why do I accept responsibility and blame for things that aren't my fault? Why do I prefer drastic measures over rational ones? Am I even supposed to be here today?

Jay and Silent Bob do have it right. "There's a million fine looking women in the world, but they won't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you."

Funny movie though...smart too. Don't get that too often.

Clearly I'm just rambling on again. That's the problem with a stream of consciousness blog. A lot of it is just nonsense. Still, it's nice to have a time and a date and a summary of my mood to look back on. What was Mike thinking on February 10th at 9:25 pm? Now if I need to know, I can.

All I know is I'm too wildly emotional lately and too self destructive and while most of my life is going well there are a few black holes in the fabric of my existence and they are threatening to pull me in. Perhaps I should bite the bullet and seek counselling. I know my mom or someone is going to read this and tell me to turn to Jesus. I think maybe I just need people to understand. Someone to really understand without judging. Might as well ask for a dragon ride to the moon.

hmmph.

Is it time to go to the beach yet?

So I'm driving the train around today wearing two coats and gloves and long underwear and my silly fuzzy hat and for some reason I just started fantasizing about the beach and summertime and how I can't wait for it to be warm enough to go down there again. If you didn't know, I used to go there pretty much every week all summer long until it just got a wee bit too chilly....ANYWAY, so I'm thinking this and suddenly parts of a song just start playing in my head...I can't remember all the words cause I was driving the train and couldn't write it all down but I thought I'd share while I can still remember some. Oh, it'd be sung in a psuedo-country kinda way...all major chords...think "Hot Dog" by Zeppelin or I dunno...half the songs Great Big Sea ever sang...

City Beach

I saw this girl on the beach down in the city
I asked her name cause she looked so very pretty
she smiled at me but said I had a lot to learn
she said "my name, sir, is none of your concern!"

She didn't want me to know her name
and lord it's just a crying shame
but I still love my beach girl in the city
cause she just looks so very pretty

I love the way she walks
I love the way she talks
I love it when she smiles at me
and I just can't wait to see
so i keep trying with my beach girl in the city
she just keeps looking so very fucking pretty
i've started seeing her everywhere I turn
but still her name, she says, is none of my concern!

Anyway, this could keep going on and on and I think I might have to pick up the guitar and mess around with it a bit but for now this'll help me remember. So when's beach weather coming anyway? I guess it's another 6 or 8 weeks at least....

The Great December Beard-Off

So at the best of times I'm not exactly what you'd call "prompt" with my facial hair grooming. I only shave the shaveable areas about once a week and trim the rest maybe every other week if you're lucky. I know I look better when it's all neat and properly trimmed but I just can't be bothered. Plus it leaves the bathroom all covered with little hairs and then I have to clean it up and all in all it's just a lot of work. Anyway, back in October I got really lazy about it and my beard got longer than usual. It made me start to wonder just how long it would get? SOOOO after trimming sometime in November I decided that was it. No more beard care until the end of the year. Curiosity and laziness are a dangerous combination, and it's not like I have to look pretty for an office job or anything anyway....

So this is the result:
It's hard to tell here but the sideburns in particular were driving me crazy...they stick straight out about an inch from the side of my head...oh and I do admit to cheating a little as I shaved my cheeks and also trimmed just the soul patch, cause it was just too crazy to live....

I was a little disappointed in that the hair started curling around on itself instead of growing straight down, so I didn't gain much in length but I had a lot of fullness. A bird could have comfortably nested, I'm sure...

Anyway, so the morning of New Year's Eve, I'd had enough:


Ta Da! Much better, and actually a little shorter than I like. Notice how you can't even SEE the sideburns now. Oh and it turns out I DO have a neck after all...

Oh and this is only a small portion of the hair that I had on my face. Picture about 3 times this much and that's what I actually had to clean up.



Oh the insanity.....

Ugh!

Can I be any whinier? This is what happens when you stay up all night thinking. Blech.

Oh well, I suppose we're all allowed to mope a little on our birthdays.

But seriously, I had fun yesterday and thanks to everyone who came out and it was cool.

Welcome to 2009! One year left.....

January 3rd, 4:30 am - The day after

Well....

I am 32. Just had a nice little birthday party and had most of my loved ones come over and give me, if not a gift, at least a hug. Which I prefer really. Although both are nice.

I was going to do the clichéd list of stuff I liked/disliked about 2008.

I was going to finish my Christmas gifts post and do a birthday one as well.

I love all the other gifts I got and thanks everyone. I'm not doing that blog though.

The Slash poster is still my favourite. It's not shocking. But everyone was great and everything I got was amazing. Love you all and thanks so much.

So....

yeah, it is....or was....my birthday today....the 2nd. 32 years old and it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm completely insomniac tonight and lonely and...


....i don't know.

whining again I guess.

and I know that insomniac is a noun and not an adjective. I don't care, but I am aware of it. Just so you know.

I am so close now to being just where I want to be. I don't know why I am just depressed as hell tonight.

Ugh. People are going to read this and worry about me. That's sweet, but also troublesome. I guess I could just write all this in my notebook instead. No one ever has to read it. For some reason I want it to be public though, even if I don't want to deal with the consequences, such as they are....

I guess I'm just angry about getting older and losing opportunities and not knowing how I'll end up. I know I'll end up okay, got a good job and I'll have all that I need and I have good friends and family but I'm scared that in the most important ways I am failing.

A friend of mine used to get down about his life sometimes and say "I shoulda been changing diapers by now." I guess I know just what he means.

Not that I need to have kids right away or anything....just I'd like to see a little progress or something. Instead it just feels like it's one step forward, two steps back...

I'm trying to be really honest here

I'm still holding back

but I am getting there.

And I am sure I'm just being morbid right now. It's 4:56 am now and well, you know how that goes. Always darkest before the dawn.

I don't know if I have said what I wanted to. I never do.

Love you guys though. Sorry for...well....everything....

goodnight. Or good morning.

"Seems like the daylight is coming and no one is watching but me...."