King of the Rain

I watched the rain
splash against the window of a moving train
and I think of you
and what all this
could possibly mean to me

I sit alone
trying to remember what
brought me to this moment in my life

I watch the rain
and wonder how I'll ever figure out
what to do next.

"And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There but for the grace of you go I"

This little set of words just came to me as I sat in the subway today driving through the open area between Warden and VP and saw the windows covered with rain and all the leaves coming out on the trees and really it's a very pretty area, at least if you're facing North. It really drove home a point for me. It's already almost May and 1/3 of the year is gone and it's Spring and just...wow. Where does the time go? Honestly as much as I was tired of Winter, my lust for snow and ice sated again, I am still not really in a Springtime state of mind. Well, that's not completely true. Better to say that I am erratically in a Springtime state of mind. I've been moody and weird for the last two weeks and I am not really sure why. Since my first day at the beach, it's like my two different "selfs" are fighting for dominance in my brain. I hope the happy, sunny one wins but that's not always the way.

The past has been giving me all sorts of buried treasures lately. In many ways the person I feel I am trying to become right now is the person whom I deserted back in 2001....He's returned and I couldn't be happier about it. Not that I want to regress, but I feel that I need to reconnect to who I was then to know where I can go now. On the other hand, thinking of the past for the last few weeks has brought up a lot of old memories and feelings likely best left buried. I suppose I'll have to deal with them now, instead of suppressing them. Damn. Well, perhaps better late than never.

I find it strangely appropriate that I haven't felt like myself since almost the beginning of the decade, and that I am finally coming back at very nearly the end. What will the next 8 months bring? Time will tell.

Speaking of my first beach trip, here are the lyrics to the song I wrote that day:

i woke up this morning
my hands were bleeding
my lips were cracking
my throat was raw
i couldn't see you
i was all alone again
i woke up this morning and you were gone

i woke up this morning
i couldn't feel you
i couldn't seem to find the will to carry on
but the sun was shining
and I knew I needed
i woke up this morning to find you gone

so i spent all day sitting by the shore
spent all day wondering what this life was for
if I didn't need you any more

i woke up this morning
i was finally free
looking for answers that i don't think i can see
when you can't see me
i woke up this morning and you were gone

Oddly, both this song and the poem at the beginning of this post have one thing in common. When I say "me" I am talking about myself. When I say "you" I am also talking about myself. OR I could be. It's a mystery. It's one interpretation.

See, even talking to myself I'm just a little confused right now.....