Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Could you tell me why you're leaving?

Okay so I had trouble sleeping again last night. Perhaps I got 5 hours but most likely less. I also couldn't sleep at nap time. Oh for those that don't know, I work a split shift, which means I wake up at 4:30 in the morning to start work at 6am and finish around 6pm, but with 2-4 hours in between which shall forever after be known as "nap time". Anyhow, being the insomniac that I am, I rarely get more than 6 hours of sleep before 4:30 so I try to come home and sleep another hour during my split...sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I don't sleep at all during the night or during nap time and just end up awake for days. It's very hit or miss. I'm not sure if it's no peace cause I'm wicked or no rest cause I'm good but at the end of the day it's two sides of the same coin.

SO. What was I saying. Oh, so I spent the evening tonight with very little sleep, watching the movie "Clerks." once again and drinking all of my friend Michael's whiskey (sorry dude. There will be another bottle here before I come home from work tomorrow night). I realized that first of all I have a lot more on my mind than I want to admit, and second of all that "Clerks." is a great movie and that I relate far to well to Dante Hicks, despite WANTING to be Randall.

So what is on my mind? It's hard to explain. I guess I've been thinking the most about my various relationships and the toll they've taken on my mental and emotional capacity.

Wow well that's analytical. What I have really been thinking about is how every girl I ever loved has left and I've never fully understood why. They all have reasons, but what changes? I always start out so strong, and in the end, I'm lucky if I'm not wished dead. I don't think I change....I do what I can, most would say too much, to try and keep people happy. I give a lot, and I am faithful and honest. Yet somehow, whatever I have to offer is never enough. I don't get it. At least I know I am not alone. I think there must be thousands, no, millions of people, men and women, who feel this same way. What it boils down to is "Why am I so easy to leave? How can you just stop loving someone?" or even more simply "What changed?"

Sadly, in my experience, no one can ever explain these things. I know I've had to dump a few girlfriends in the past, but I always had concrete reasons. But of all the times I've been dumped, I've never really gotten a good reason. Just that the feelings have changed. But why? How? Perhaps Shakespeare was right in "Hamlet"

Ophelia: "'Tis brief my lord."
Hamlet: "As woman's love."

Sums it up I guess. Anyway, I am just in downer Winter mode, and dwelling on the past too much today I guess.

Wait, wait. This is me apologizing for how I feel. Which brings us back to me being Dante. Why do I apologize to people that hurt me? Why do I accept responsibility and blame for things that aren't my fault? Why do I prefer drastic measures over rational ones? Am I even supposed to be here today?

Jay and Silent Bob do have it right. "There's a million fine looking women in the world, but they won't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you."

Funny movie though...smart too. Don't get that too often.

Clearly I'm just rambling on again. That's the problem with a stream of consciousness blog. A lot of it is just nonsense. Still, it's nice to have a time and a date and a summary of my mood to look back on. What was Mike thinking on February 10th at 9:25 pm? Now if I need to know, I can.

All I know is I'm too wildly emotional lately and too self destructive and while most of my life is going well there are a few black holes in the fabric of my existence and they are threatening to pull me in. Perhaps I should bite the bullet and seek counselling. I know my mom or someone is going to read this and tell me to turn to Jesus. I think maybe I just need people to understand. Someone to really understand without judging. Might as well ask for a dragon ride to the moon.


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