Thursday, 27 October 2011

Street View

So just this last weekend, a friend of mine had her birthday and graciously invited me to the party, to be held at a club downtown.  Since I almost never have Saturday/Sunday off days, I haven't really GONE downtown on a Saturday night in years, so of course, I accepted!  In some ways, as an experiment of sorts. 

So the club we went to (a place called Crocodile Rock) is, I guess, geared towards my age group of 30-somethings. This was nice since I didn't feel like I was abnormally old or out of place as soon as I walked in (which DID happen the last time I went clubbing and realized I was probably at least 5 years older than anyone else there).  However, the place confused me somewhat because I didn't really see the point of it.  I understand in theory you are supposed to go to these places to meet women or get laid or something, but it doesn't work that way for me.  ESPECIALLY at my age I am certainly going to want to have a few conversations before proceeding to the bedroom.  Clubbing seems to work against that, as you can't hear a word anyone is saying and are encouraged to move about as much as possible.  It seemed like everyone there was enjoying themselves but I just don't get it.  It was flattering that several women um...made eyes at me?  I guess.  One even winked!  It was cute.  Still, I began to feel pretty alienated if truth be told - always seem most alone in a big crowd.  I sometime wonder if I am missing some personality element that allows a person to engage in socialization in this manner.

In a lot of ways, it actually reminded me of going to church.  It's similar in that they are both places that I go where everyone I see seems super-engaged in what is happening and enthusiastic while I feel nothing like what they are obviously feeling.  I just don't receive the same message or stimuli or whatever it is that everyone else feels. Doesn't mean I don't like it or get anything out of it, just that what I perceive is not what everyone else seems to.

Anyway this is not to say that I didn't have any fun.  I'm really glad I went!  It was a good time and very interesting to me for a variety of reasons.  I treat these situation where I don't fit in as if I am an alien life form and am just investigating this culture to further the knowledge of my own race.  "I'm a stranger here, on this place called Earth..." Like that.  Once I'd learned all I could from my outsider point-of-view, I took off for a bit and went for a walk downtown.  Lots of energy in the streets downtown on a Saturday night post-midnight.  Made me wish that I lived nearer that area so I could do that walk more often without a long subway ride first.  Of course there's likely several catches that I haven't really considered yet. 

On my walk I went to a pub and had a pint, helped out a few lost people and then met a girl who was sitting on a doorstep playing a ukulele.  She didn't want money or anything, she was just hanging out doing her thing.  Her name was Mary and she let me try her ukulele for a bit and then played me "Hello, I Love You" by the Doors.  I sang along and we nearly got all the words right.  It was a great moment for me.  So thanks Mary the ukulele girl - you win Saturday Night!

Friday, 21 October 2011

It's All Related

Little Miss may be coming home soon.  
Got the text last night and told her she can stay 
As long as she needs.  
What else could I do?

It's all related.

Too stressed out.  
I wanted a cigarette soooo badly last night.  

It's all related.

Almost cried several times today.  
choked back sobs, A single tear.

It's all related.

I learned to play Sullivan Street on guitar today.

It's all related.

I'm on day two of a three day system purge.  
Totally straight-edge and barely any food.

It's all related.

Last Tuesday would have been 
My eighth wedding anniversary.

It's all related.

I keep trying to remember

It's all related.

I forced myself to eat lunch today and I am 
almost positive that I'm about to vomit it back up.

It's all related.

I just almost cried again while writing this
Maybe this is getting too personal, even for me.

It's all related.

Occasionally at work I weep openly.
Tears silently stream down my cheeks.
Sometimes people notice but no-one ever says anything.

It's all related.

When I was a child, I fell in a river.
I only held on by a little tuft of grass.
If no-one had come, I would have drowned, but
I never cried out for help.

It's all related.

I do feel better for writing it all down.
It's almost everything I need.

Yeah.  It's all related.

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Subconscious Malfeasance - Outta Control!

Some days, for no reason whatsoever, I just wake up sad.  Perhaps it's due to a half-remembered dream, perhaps some chemical imbalance, or perhaps it's just a reaction to waking up yet again under the same old sky, but sometimes the world is a pretty bleak place first thing in the morning.  I guess this is a very common human condition.  We have lots of ways to describe it.  Woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Got a case of the doldrums.  Not a morning person.  In fact, I imagine that at least half the population is more likely to sigh than smile when they first open their eyes on a new day.  Can this really be the human condition?  Why am I bummed out that I have to go live my life?  I like my life, don't I?

I find myself wondering a lot lately about how much things have changed in the recent past.  It seems like there's so much stuff ALL-NEW every day in our modern world, and I wonder sometimes if there are as many new moods and feelings in the world as there are new technologies and ways of life?  Did people two hundred years ago worry that they may be abnormal for being grumpy when they first woke up?  Or were they just happy that none of their teeth fell out overnight?  I really wish that there was a way to look back into the past in a verifiable fashion and see these things for ourselves.  Not necessarily time travel, but a way to look back in time without interfering in the events that transpired and to really understand the human story.  I read a lot, but history is written by the victors and it's just not the same as seeing the truth from an unbiased perspective.  If we understood how we got to this place, perhaps we could see where we are meant to go?  That's one thing I really appreciate about the modern world and one reason I really appreciate this ability to blog.  In the future, 100 years from now or whenever, people will be able to look back and see in great, fine detail exactly what people all around the world were both doing and thinking about in the early 21st century.  In a way, every word that we type into blogs, twitter posts, facebook updates, etc...will define us to future generations.  That doesn't even count the millions and millions of online videos.  I'm not alone in using the internet in the same way that hunter-gatherers used cave walls.  To stand up proudly and exclaim "I WAS HERE!"

Could that be all that is necessary?  I may never have the answers I seek and may never know why I wake up in a bad mood most days, but at least by recording that it happens someone someday might figure it all out.  Maybe the internet is just one big subconscious for an as-yet unborn life form, and my blog posts will haunt it's dreams and cause it to wake up grumpy, too.  Justification at last!!

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Third Quarter Round-Up

It's that time once again!  The future keeps creeping into the past and another quarter has come and gone and we're three-fourths of the way through 2011!  Sure seemed to go by quickly.  It seems like just yesterday that the year was only half-way done.  So how's our progress with 2011 going?  Let's take a look.

Oh first of all why not check out the milestones of 2011 here and here. 

Now then on to quarter 3... 

1. Lose at least 10 pounds (shouldn't be hard in a whole year. I'm 185 now. What will I be at the end of 2011?

Well as of today I am 149 pounds.  36 pounds less than what I started with but only 7 pounds less than I was 3 months ago.  The lowest I've been this quarter was 147 pounds and that was when I quit smoking.  Then I shot right back up to 155 and have been slowly dropping that back off for the last few weeks.  Anything around 150 is pretty good though.  I still think 140 would be better.  Want to lose the last little love handles and whatnot, but my belly IS pretty flat now.  I suppose I should start worrying about tone....naaaah.

2. Make a more significant effort to free myself of debt (minimum payments are not enough!)

I paid off another $3850 this quarter.  I'm still $1000 less than I wanted to be by this time, but I've paid off $10,550 so far this year.  Considering my original payment plan called for only $6750 to be paid by this time, I'd say I'm doing quite well!  I have unfortunately dropped my bank account a little further than I wanted to doing this however. I have to watch my impulsive spending just a little more.  I suppose not buying cigarettes will help out with this immensely.

3. Write more (at least get 2 blogs a month in) 

Not only have I written at LEAST one blog a week here at Stryder's Dementia, I also have been writing articles over at Fruitless Pursuits for a while now!  If anything I think I may be overexposed but I like it!  You can, of course, see a list of ALL my Fruitless Pursuits articles right HERE 

4. Learn some more difficult songs on guitar (sometimes 3 chords is NOT enough!) 

Yesterday I was trying to figure out a good way to play "Amy Hit the Atmosphere" on an acoustic guitar.  It's originally a piano waltz so it's a little strange.  Does that count?  I could ALWAYS be doing better in this category but it's hard to find a time when I'm motivated and when I won't get in trouble for making a lot of noise.  Excuses, excuses.  At least I'm trying! 

5. Be more adventurous. (I'm going to NYC this September. With or without company.) 

Obviously I never went to NYC in September.   This makes me sad, but I think it was for the best this year with my lack of extra cash and whatnot.  Maybe next year.  As far as general adventurousness goes...hmmm.  Nope, not even a little bit.  I mostly hide in my apartment every day.  If I'm not working odds are AMAZINGLY good that I am here in my little box in the sky.  Perhaps I should do more about this.  Sigh.

Sadly there's not much else to report for summer of 2011.  It seems like it swirled by in a vortex of video games and train driving for the most part.  I blinked and missed most of it.  Well, now we're on to fall, my favourite and moodiest time of year.  Just in the last week I've thought that everything in life was perfect at least a half dozen times and I've also felt like I'd be better off dead at least half a dozen times.  Like I said, moody!  I love the melodrama of the Autumn months....

Oh and seeing as it seems like tradition now, I have included a girl both pretty and famous at the top of this post!  Enjoy!  Next stop, 2012!!!