Thursday, 24 February 2011

Open Letter to a Girl...


So it's been 10 years. I'm not really sure where to start. I always seem to think about you a lot this time of year. February isn't my best month. Cold and dark and filled with unpleasant reminders of the mistakes I've made and the regrets I've stacked haphazardly in the corner like some old pile of used paperbacks. This year I've decided to deal with the whole mess by self-imposed hermitage, isolating myself for most of the time to avoid moping or putting on that over-hyper, false "cheerfulness" around anyone I really care about. I still get out on weekends though, so it's all good, right?

Anyway, this isn't supposed to be about me and my pathetic little problems. Rather, it's at least some of the things I'd say to you if I ever got the chance again. After 10 years I've more or less given up on you ever forgiving me or even acknowledging my presence for a few hours, so here I am at my last option to communicate. Just write it down and put it out there for the world to judge for itself.

Really all I want is to say that I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for the way we left things and the way that I treated you back in 2001. There were a lot of misunderstandings and a huge failure on my part to communicate my feelings well, or to properly understand yours. You were planning to leave the country yet again, albeit temporarily, and I was just scared that it meant that you were planning to leave me too. Of course I should have just explained that to you and maybe gotten a little reassurance that things would work out all right. Instead I started pushing you away, trying to protect myself from the shock of you being gone. And then, once you were pushed enough to go, I just imploded, making stupid decision after stupid decision. Ending up in a loveless marriage and even less friendly divorce. Basically just shattering my life to such an extent that I'm still picking up the pieces to this day. All because I was frightened to be vulnerable and scared to lose you.

I wish that you had seen through my foolish game. You didn't really do anything wrong. I just wanted reassurance that you'd love me no matter what. Sadly I went about trying to get it in an immature and thoughtless way. For that, I will always be remorseful. I was wrong and I am sorry.

It's always been really hard for me to really feel loved, or even worthy of being loved, despite ample evidence that I am. Insecurities. I had them then and I still do now. I don't know why. I could blame my upbringing, or my crazy religious guilt and self-loathing, or maybe the hell that I went through in grade school. I'm sure it's all of these things and more. At the end of the day there are no easy answers. Just my logical mind telling me not to be stupid while my emotions get the best of me anyway and send me cowering back into the corners of my mind.

I want you to know that out of everyone I've known you've had the most profound effect on my life. You're the only person no longer in my life that I still think about on a weekly or even daily basis. So much of what I do and who I am is still to this day filtered through your eyes, your sensibilities. When we first met, I was only a 15 year old kid, but by the time we parted ways you'd either taught or learned with me everything about being an adult. A young, foolish and immature adult perhaps, but someone with the skills to at least get by. Everything we went through forced us to grow. For that I am eternally grateful.

Not that you deserve a pedestal or anything. I think you'd agree that your halo is just as tarnished as mine. We both betrayed each other too many times, in too many ways. Knowing this, I understand why you won't see me or even acknowledge a message now. I don't agree with your decision, but I understand.

Well, darlin', I hope you have a good year and a good decade and a good life I guess. I'd love to hear from you, even if it's just to rage against me, although of course I don't expect I will. I've never, even at my most hurt, ever wished you anything but happiness and love. If you ever need me for anything, any time, just contact me and I'll help however I can, no strings attached. I've come to realize over the years that I haven't truly loved nearly as many people as I had thought, but that the ones I really loved I have never stopped loving. You've got to be the first name on that list. So I'll sign off on this the way that you signed of on so many little notes and letters over the years...

Love Always,


Sunday, 13 February 2011

New Recruits!

So today I wanted to come up with a new blog and continue delving into the mysteries of the universe, trying to answer the unanswerable, and generally making sense of this vast comedy we call life. However, I couldn't think of anything to write about. So instead I went downtown to hunt for toys.

Result? Seven new Transformers!

I then thought maybe I should analyze my enjoyment of buying children's toys well into my 30's and what I could possibly be getting from the expenditure. But to hell with that! Sometimes I just want to turn a little toy car into a little toy robot, or vice versa. Is that so wrong?

Autobots! Transform and Roll Out!!!

PS: Having opened all of the transformers I was sad to note that Jazz is missing an arm! Email has been sent to Silver Snail in Toronto...let's see what they can do for me...

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Catfish & the Nature of Deceit Part II

Well it's been a week or so and I've thought a bit about deceit and relationships and the internet and at the end of the day I can't come up with a simple, black and white answer to the questions posed in my previous blog, here.

I guess in regards to the movie Catfish, I'm inclined to side with Nev. He clearly is missing something essential in his life to become so involved in an online relationship and I feel it's cruel to toy with his heart in the way that Angela did. Although her story is tragic, Angela should not have spread that misery. I suppose that, had the relationship been confined to a purely online existence, it wouldn't cause such a conundrum to me. However, once it moved into the realm of telephone calls and potential meetings, once it became "real" and involved real feelings, that relationship had gone too far to be forgivable.

I couldn't feel any anger or hatred for Angela though. Her reasons are obvious and I can only sympathize. It's just that, as I said, misery sucks and shouldn't be spread around, regardless of how much it loves company.

I consider the very few big secrets that I've held in my life, and how they have informed my actions and thus events, even when left undiscovered. How secrets and lies can alter a person's behavior and how hard it becomes eventually to separate fact from fiction. It's simply not worth the trouble. I'd personally rather be alone and miserable and myself than live out something that isn't fully honest, even if it brings me happiness of a sort. Whatever mistakes I've made, it has been better to admit them and move on, regardless of the consequences.

Not that I can't relate. Unfortunately I find myself currently alone and, if not miserable, certainly frequently unhappy. Since I'm unable to find anyone interested in who I really am, at least right now, I suppose it would be easy to make up an online persona who is more capable of making the sort of connection I am lacking. I'm sure, however, that just as in Angela's case, that connection would be fleeting and without foundation, ultimately causing more grief. Better to just live with who I am, even if no one else can.

I suppose this means that I prize honesty above happiness. I wonder if that's the right choice?