Thursday, 23 February 2012

Meet the New Mood!

So I had a blog written up for this week and it was sort of interesting and whatnot but for some reason it just isn't fitting my mood today and thus instead I'm gonna just babble off of the top of my head for a bit.  Sorry about that.

It's been a sort of strange February for me this year.  Good, actually, but strange.  For one thing, I haven't been morbidly depressed all month!  I don't know if it's because the weather is less gloomy than in previous years, or if it's because I've been taking "New Mood" and it's helping my body produce serotonin at higher levels so I don't feel constantly depressed and insomniac or if it's a mental state of being.  If I had to guess, I'd say it's likely a combination of all 3.  Anyway it's nice to be happy in February for once, but it's strange.  Like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I keep expecting to wake up really bummed out one day and just have that mood stick for the next month or two...isn't that weird?

So the dream/short story of the last couple weeks was interesting, eh?  I am no expert in dream interpretation but I have a few clues.  Each of the 3 people in the dream were at one point closer to me than anyone else on the planet.  Now they're all gone...that's pretty self-explanatory.  Kitchens are supposed to be significant of a need for nurturing and also a plan for change or transformation.  The living room of course is just a metaphor for my personal or internal space, and perhaps indicative of a feeling of invasion or things being out of place.  However, the ending of the dream really was what made it interesting.  Going from inside to outside is always significant of change...particularly when you are going through such a strange, guarded set of doors.  It's a rough and difficult transition...however once outside I had accomplished something, traumatic as it might seem.  At the end of the day, I guess that was just my subconscious letting these people go on to their lives and showing me that I'm ready to move on as well.  Good for me!  If only I knew the next steps!

Well, we'll make it up as we go along the same as I always have.  At least I feel like I'm getting, if not smarter, at least a little less naive....I suppose it's about time....I'm only 35 years old!

So anyway that's where I am at right now.  I feel rather blank-slate like.  Although I do still feel like I need a few months to recharge...if I feel this good right now and it's still only February, Spring should be interesting indeed!

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Pleasant Nightmare? - Part II

The continuing story of my strange, strange dream from last week.  Read PART I first.  Names have been changed cause I don't need any grief....
I follow when he finally confronts me and I get to see his face.  It is my once-best friend Dave, from high school.  The same Dave who is now living with and has a child with my ex, Rosemary.  His face is wrecked, cracked and bleeding and covered in some sort of strange rash.  He looks very, very sick.  I immediately forget that he's not really supposed to associate with me and ask "Hey are you okay???  What's wrong?"

He sighs and looks at me in that inimitable "Dave" way and just says "It's allergies.  Something in this cupboard maybe?"  He's opened a cupboard in the kitchen.  "Oh well," he says, and closes the cupboard and walks a few steps and turns on the light.  I can see that the rash is slightly better.  I'm about the ask what he's doing here when I hear voices coming from the living room.  I recognize both voices.  One belongs to Cameron.  The other is my ex, Rosemary.  She's asking where I usually sit and then picking a place to sit.  She is, as per usual, not incredibly polite about it.  Dave says "fucking bitch" under his breath and looks much sicker again, almost like a zombie.  But only for a moment.  Then he sighs heavily, shrugs and walks into the living room.  I follow a moment later, still bewildered by this strange turn of events.

In the living room sit Cameron, Dave (beat me in and already seated!) and Rosemary.  Cameron is talking and I understand that she has invited them over and wants to visit with them before she leaves again.  They are small-talking.  I forget the exact words, although Rosemary is doing most of the talking and I recognize the tone of her "insincere" voice...the one she uses on co-workers and my family...the one that says that she really hates the person she's talking to but is trying to make them like her.  I wasn't really listening to what she had to say.  It wouldn't matter anyway.  Instead, I am staring at this surreal gathering, speechless and stunned.  At least momentarily, until something in my brain decides to snap for a second.  I walk a couple steps closer to my ex and exclaim, in an almost sing-song, fake-nice voice of my own, "Oh-hh Rosemary.  You're SUCH a bitch.  Get the fuck out of my house."

"What?" she replies, unbelieving.  Her face changes, takes on a note of challenge.  She thinks I am joking.

"I mean it."  I say, nothing jocular in my voice now. "Get the fuck out.  NOW."  Rarely in dreams or in real life does my voice carry such authority and power behind it.  I am clearly deadly serious.  She looks at me like she is about to get into it, but instead just stands up to leave.  Dave and Cameron both also stand.

"Strydes..." Cameron begins, looking angry and embarrassed.  I ignore her and turn to Dave.  "Dave...sorry." I say.  We share a look.  My look tried to tell him to stay.  His look told me he couldn't.  For a moment I soften and my memory flashes to the last conversation I ever had with Rosemary on the telephone, after which I vowed never to speak to her again without official reason.  I remember how Dave didn't believe what had transpired between she and I when I explained my rationale to him. My resolve grows strong once more.

Cameron, meanwhile, looks pissed off and is leaving with her company.  Rosemary's already out the door.  Dave follows.

A couple of heartbeats later, I too follow them to the front door.  The front door to this apartment is a strange device, more like the airlock of a spaceship from a movie.  I have no problems opening it, however, and rush out onto a perfectly manicured front lawn with a nice black-top driveway on a small street in suburbia, with lots of little blue and pink houses and a car in every garage.  It looks like the neighbourhood in Edward Scissorhands...almost as though it is made from Lego instead of actual brick and mortar.  All of the doors are airlocks, but I have no problems breathing and feel no ill effects from the environment.  There seems to be no reason for it.  It is a bright, sunny day around noon or one in the afternoon.  Birds are singing and a light breeze is blowing, making the perfectly cut grass move.  It is NOT very February-like at all.  Time has become sluggish and I see everything in slow motion.  Dave, Rosemary and Cameron are not there, even though they had left only moments before me.

I fall haphazardly, painfully to my knees on the black tar driveway.  It is as if I have lost all control of my body.  My arms stretch out to my sides, Christ-like, as far as they can reach.  I tilt back my head and scream.  There are no words to this scream, just a guttural, gut-wrenching noise.  This is the loudest scream I've ever produced.  Louder than the screams I used to scream for my heavy metal band in the 90's, louder than I've ever been, even with a 1000 watt PA system to back me up.  I scream until I think I will black out, staring into the bright, sunny sky.  Fluffy clouds drift past and I scream.  Finally, just before I think I may pass out, I stop.

I take a deep breath.  I tilt my head back and I scream a second time...even louder than the first!!  So loud I think that my eardrums might start to bleed.  No other sound exists in the universe while I scream.  I scream out all the frustration, the sadness, the pointless loss.  I scream for all the tragedy in my life, in ALL of our lives.  I never fully understood the meaning of the words "primal scream" until I heard what this sounds like coming through my own two lips.  Finally, I can scream no longer and my head wilts on my shoulders.  I am alone, kneeling in a perfect but somehow insidiously wrong suburban nightmare.  I hear music.  My alarm clock has gone off.  I awake.

So what do you suppose it means??

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Pleasant Nightmare? - Part I

So I'm home for break and I had a nap.  I had this crazy dream and I wanted to write it down before I forget it.  Even though the logic and architecture are perfectly dream-like, I had no idea that it wasn't real until I awoke.   Names have been changed to better reflect pieces of my subconscious....Remember, it's only a dream....

I am living in a different apartment.  It is almost futuristic in some ways but also very normal in others.  the TV and the computer are mine for sure, as is the computer chair and the end tables.  The couches and chairs in the living room are ones I have never seen before, and the layout to the room is different than in my current apartment, although the computer, sitting area and couch are in relatively the same position as they are in real life.  They are also relative to my current kitchen, although there is a doorway to open and close to go into the kitchen, unlike in my current apartment.

I am sitting and watching TV, about to watch the next episode of a show called Gossip Girl, when in walks Cameron, back from Alberta.  Even though she's never been to this place, I know she's only been gone a week and she just uses her spare key and comes in.

"Hi!"  I say, "You're back!!  Why are you here?"  Taking this unusual event in stride.

"For my birthday," she says, "I came back to visit and to get the things I left behind!"  I know that her birthday is not until November and that it is now February, but I accept this argument without comment.  Instead, I ask her how long she is staying?

"Only a couple of days.  Hey are you watching Gossip Girl?"

"I am!   Oh my God did you see last week's episode???  I couldn't believe what happened!!!  That's cool you can watch it with me!"

Cameron introduced me to the show Gossip Girl and last week after she moved back to Alberta was only the second time that I ever watched the show without her.  In real life she's incredibly enthusiastic about the show, to the point that she is legitimately upset when a season ends or a rerun is shown.  In my dream, this seems to be the case as well, as she is initially very excited.  We sit down to watch the show, which was on pause.  I guess some time passes (you know how dreams are) because when I turn to ask Cameron something about the plot, she's not sitting next to me any more!  I look around and see her instead playing on the computer, at a strange angle where you can't really even see the television.

"What are you doing don't you want to watch?"  I ask.  "You love this show!"

"Yeah I'll watch, I just had to talk to someone," she replies.  Then she tries to manoeuvre the computer monitor and her chair so that she can also see the TV better.  "Go ahead and press play I can see" she says.

"What?!?!  No no you need to come over here and watch.   This is probably the last time we'll EVER get to watch Gossip Girl together!  Come on!  I'll just pause it until you're done," I reply, and do just that.  Then I go into the kitchen and make a drink.

When I return to the living room, Cameron is not on the computer anymore.  I sit down for a moment when in my peripheral I see a tall, dark haired man in my house.  He is facing away from me and I can only see his back.  I go "Hey!  Who are you?  What are you doing here?" as I stand up and try to see who he is.  He continues to try to turn away from me so that I can't see his face, obviously purposely, and walks into the kitchen.

Stay tuned for part II, next week....

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Reinventing Spirituality...

I was listening to "The Joe Rogan Experience" podcast (#179 w/ Duncan Trussell) and they brought up an idea that I just found fascinating.  Basically, the idea goes like this:

What would we as humans make of God or spirituality or the supernatural right now, without any previous information about any religion, but with the scientific knowledge that we now possess about the universe we live in?

Say, for example, that all copies of the Bible, the Koran, etc were all lost hundreds of years ago and we have no prior knowledge of anyone's ideas about God or what happens when we die.  What truths would we just sense?  Would we re-invent a sentient God?  Heaven and Hell?  Or would we go in the other direction and completely spurn the notion of anything that couldn't be proven with empirical evidence?  Could everyone agree on one thing or would we re-start the horrible, divisive and nonsensical violence that seems to be the inevitable result of people having strongly held religious beliefs?  

Could anyone say in this day and age that their way that they JUST MADE UP is the only right way, given to us by God and if we don't follow it we are doomed to unending and unimaginable agony?  However, if we DO follow it, we will be rewarded forever and never die?  Would anyone believe that?  Why did anyone EVER believe that?!?

For myself, I think I would become an agnostic, basically.  I would be completely positive that there is more to life than what I can see and prove.  I would be fairly certain that some part of human consciousness will live on past the expiration of the body.  This I would base on the science of our "sea of atoms".  Nothing is ever just GONE...all things transform.  For example, ice doesn't melt and disappear forever, it simply changes states to water and then vapour.  Since energy and matter are the same thing, and everything is made up of everything else, we all live on in some form.  Whether we still retain our individuality is another question, one which I have no answer for.  I'd never come up with clouds, harps, fire and brimstone, an old man sitting behind pearly gates in the sky judging us and his enemy that used to be his buddy but now hates him and so tries to trick people with uh...stuff.  Not that it isn't all possible, but it sure wouldn't ever occur to *me*.

At the end of the day, there are countless ways one could speculate.  MUCH, much smarter people than myself could come up with all sorts of fascinating theories.  The only thing that I can be sure of is that I would never say that I was sure of anything!  I'd never hold a belief!  Just like in the movie "Dogma" I'd just have a GOOD IDEA.

There are things in this world worth fighting for, and even dying for!  Protecting those weaker than yourself, preserving life, preserving human rights, free will, justice, the higher ideals!  Religion doesn't make this list.  All you zealots out there who think God wants you to hate your fellow man, knock it off!  Why should we believe that people that lived thousands of years ago, who thought the Earth was the centre of the universe, who thought it was great to treat women and other races as subhuman slaves, who lived every day in violence, filth and disease...why should *I* believe that these people know more about the nature of God or spirituality or the afterlife than those of us who live now?  Not only that, but if you don't believe what I believe, I'm supposed to convert you or kill you?  Doesn't that seem ridiculous?

I'm just saying...and I know not even really for the first time...what WOULD we come up with if we could do it all now?