Monday, 23 February 2009

Had the strangest dream

I dreamt today that I was sitting in a train in the subway yard (which we don't really do) eating my lunch and that I bumped the brakes on and off. Suddenly a huge gust of wind took over the train and it jumped the tracks and starting careening wildly about the dreamscape of my mind. Bucking and rolling sideways, I narrowly avoided hitting a children's birthday party, a graduation, a governor's ball and some sort of garden party. Sadly, I did managed to ram several cars, however they were parked. Many of my co-workers saw what was going out and rushed over to check it out. One suggested I jump off the train, but another was like, "No, stay on it looks like fun!" and this is what I chose. Eventually the train started going around in circles in a large parking lot where it ran out of steam and finally settled down.

Afterwards, I walked back to the division to go talk to the bosses about this incident. As I went, I tried to see what time it was but my watch would show me everything except the time. I could see cartoons, kaleidoscopic images, a timer, various other watch-like functions, and even a function that made the watch grow to 5 times it's size, making it look like a watch that perhaps bugs bunny would wear. However, I could not determine the time of day, and was rather worried as I knew I had to go and drive another train at some point. I also realized at this point that I was not in uniform. I had my correct jacket but was otherwise dressed in sweat pants and a t-shirt. So I began to get quite worried about getting home to change clothes before coming back to work as well. First though, I had to go see the boss.

I got to the bosses office and it was in an open area with a big round table, a la king Arthur. Seated there were the big boss, his assistant, another supervisor and several random operators. I went to sit down and when I did a guy and girl who were obviously a couple sat down next to me. Actually the guy sat next to me and the girl sat on my lap and proceeded to speak to the guy without even acknowledging my presence. I thought I might speak up, but then the bosses started talking to me. They asked what happened and I replied that I had no idea. I had bumped the brakes for a second but there was no way that a train should react that way. All three nodded and then they got up to leave. I was like, "is that it?" and they replied that they would need to investigate the matter further and then they left.

So here I am alone at this round table with this random girl sitting on me. Sometime during my conversation her boyfriend had left so she suddenly deigned to notice my presence. She apologized for sitting on me but thought I wouldn't mind as she is very light. I basically said that I guess it didn't matter but that I had to get up now and leave to go get changed, so she got up and let me leave. Once again I tried to check the time but now my watch was doing crazy things, spinning and growing and shrinking at random and shooting out rainbow coloured lights. A co-worker noticed and asked where I had gotten the watch, as he thought it was cool. "I don't know," I replied, "it was a gift."

I decided to go to my car to get home and also check the time, but I couldn't find it in the confusion Instead I ended up wandering around and around the parking lot searching and hoping the runaway train hadn't crushed it, all the while getting more and more anxious about being able to change and return to work on time to get my next train.

That's where my dream ended. Classic rock woke me from my nap and it took me several minutes to realize that, as fantastical as that was, it was only a dream.

but what does it mean, exactly?

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Musings on Bread

How I feel pity
for that last lonely piece of bread
left to sit in the bag
in the back of the fridge

he'd always been different
he didn't fit in
he'd only ever glimpsed one other piece like him
(and she was so much farther up the social scale)
and now all the others are gone
they coupled up and left him.
How come they don't split up evenly?
why is he left alone
mouldering away
in the back of the fridge?

Oh silly piece of bread
it's no crime to be different
and the reason you are alone
is because all the others have been devoured.

Sunday, 15 February 2009

Halfway Through February

halfway through February
and i think about what I'll say
when next I see your face
your pretty smile
your snide looks and sarcastic comments
(if I ever see your face again)

is it wrong that I'm happier to be here alone?
is it strange that I don't want to know?
or are those just the things I tell myself when I want to forget?
("try to tell myself the things I try to tell myself to make myself forget...")

I used to feel that everything in my world would fall into place if I could just make it revolve around you
I used to think that the words "Love, Always" meant something
why must I be reminded every February, when life is always at it's lowest ebb?
I already know I made a mistake.
I did what I thought I had to do.
I was wrong and I am sorry.

halfway through February and sorry means even less than "Love, Always"

this is a letter to someone who will never read it
this is a message to myself
this is the last leaf in the breeze from an Autumn best forgotten
this is a cold world
it's halfway through February.

what did I expect?

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Could you tell me why you're leaving?

Okay so I had trouble sleeping again last night. Perhaps I got 5 hours but most likely less. I also couldn't sleep at nap time. Oh for those that don't know, I work a split shift, which means I wake up at 4:30 in the morning to start work at 6am and finish around 6pm, but with 2-4 hours in between which shall forever after be known as "nap time". Anyhow, being the insomniac that I am, I rarely get more than 6 hours of sleep before 4:30 so I try to come home and sleep another hour during my split...sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I don't sleep at all during the night or during nap time and just end up awake for days. It's very hit or miss. I'm not sure if it's no peace cause I'm wicked or no rest cause I'm good but at the end of the day it's two sides of the same coin.

SO. What was I saying. Oh, so I spent the evening tonight with very little sleep, watching the movie "Clerks." once again and drinking all of my friend Michael's whiskey (sorry dude. There will be another bottle here before I come home from work tomorrow night). I realized that first of all I have a lot more on my mind than I want to admit, and second of all that "Clerks." is a great movie and that I relate far to well to Dante Hicks, despite WANTING to be Randall.

So what is on my mind? It's hard to explain. I guess I've been thinking the most about my various relationships and the toll they've taken on my mental and emotional capacity.

Wow well that's analytical. What I have really been thinking about is how every girl I ever loved has left and I've never fully understood why. They all have reasons, but what changes? I always start out so strong, and in the end, I'm lucky if I'm not wished dead. I don't think I change....I do what I can, most would say too much, to try and keep people happy. I give a lot, and I am faithful and honest. Yet somehow, whatever I have to offer is never enough. I don't get it. At least I know I am not alone. I think there must be thousands, no, millions of people, men and women, who feel this same way. What it boils down to is "Why am I so easy to leave? How can you just stop loving someone?" or even more simply "What changed?"

Sadly, in my experience, no one can ever explain these things. I know I've had to dump a few girlfriends in the past, but I always had concrete reasons. But of all the times I've been dumped, I've never really gotten a good reason. Just that the feelings have changed. But why? How? Perhaps Shakespeare was right in "Hamlet"

Ophelia: "'Tis brief my lord."
Hamlet: "As woman's love."

Sums it up I guess. Anyway, I am just in downer Winter mode, and dwelling on the past too much today I guess.

Wait, wait. This is me apologizing for how I feel. Which brings us back to me being Dante. Why do I apologize to people that hurt me? Why do I accept responsibility and blame for things that aren't my fault? Why do I prefer drastic measures over rational ones? Am I even supposed to be here today?

Jay and Silent Bob do have it right. "There's a million fine looking women in the world, but they won't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you."

Funny movie too. Don't get that too often.

Clearly I'm just rambling on again. That's the problem with a stream of consciousness blog. A lot of it is just nonsense. Still, it's nice to have a time and a date and a summary of my mood to look back on. What was Mike thinking on February 10th at 9:25 pm? Now if I need to know, I can.

All I know is I'm too wildly emotional lately and too self destructive and while most of my life is going well there are a few black holes in the fabric of my existence and they are threatening to pull me in. Perhaps I should bite the bullet and seek counselling. I know my mom or someone is going to read this and tell me to turn to Jesus. I think maybe I just need people to understand. Someone to really understand without judging. Might as well ask for a dragon ride to the moon.