In-Between...

"I belong in the service of the queen

I belong anywhere but in-between..."

In so many ways right now, I feel like I am waiting for something.  Waiting for the end of the year to finally be out of debt.  Waiting for the right mix of inspiration and motivation to take all of this writing to the next level.  Waiting for the next big thing to drop into my life and shake up the status quo...waiting....waiting for someone to peform with?

Hey.  Jude.  Stop waiting for someone to perform with....

I just feel like I'm ready to take another step.  I spent 2011 nursing the wounds of the previous decade and I spent 2012 trying to strengthen and improve myself...trying to learn who I am when I'm all alone and what I want to do with myself in absence of anyone or anything else defining me.  

In the face of near infinite choice, it's become ridiculously difficult to choose...

Of course, even squeaky voiced Canadian Geddy Lee knows "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice!"

Hmmm

I'm rambling, I know...

I'm probably over-thinking things too frequently lately, as well.  Eventually thought must make way for action, or else what's the point of it all?  

Eventually!  

I'm missing some piece of the puzzle still.  It'll come.  For now, I'll have to wait just a little longer in-between....

Prioritizing Change.

 I often find it difficult to decide what I want to do with my day.  I have so little free time, I actually get anxious trying to prioritize what I need to do and what I want to do and trying to schedule it all in.  Then, since I am pretty anti-social (mainly due to my work schedule), I also want to make an effort to see a lot of people in the short time that I have off each week.  Some people I really like I just haven't seen in months, purely based on scheduling!  Just the other day, someone asked "When's a good time to call you?"  And I was like..."Geesh...never, really.  Text me and I'll call you back."  As I've been fond of saying lately, at least this year, it's like I've been living in another dimension! 

The dimension you are trying to travel to is currently unavailable.  Please try again, later....

Anyway, this is all well and good...first world problems, I suppose...the fact that I have so much interesting stuff to do and so many people who I want to see is NOT something I am complaining about!!!  No sir!  I just need to search my brain for the ability to schedule more efficiently.

I think I may also have to cut some of my little projects to make more time for what's REALLY important.  For example, I spend lots of time writing things like this very blog post, or my comic book article at Fruitless Pursuits.  I really enjoy both of these things, but it occurs to me that had I been working on writing something larger than a weekly article, I'd have a more serious work on my hands at this point. 

Similarly, while I was happy to finish the recent video game Fall of Cybertron (Fun but short!  Great if you're a Transformers fan!!)  I probably could have done something more constructive with that time.  

Not that I SHOULD be doing anything more constructive, necessarily.  I am just trying to figure out what the exact RIGHT amount of activities to have on my plate should be, and what activities I really WANT on said metaphorical plate.  Need to tweak some things.  Perhaps this is just a sneak peek at the beginnings of my new goals for 2013!  It's about that time to start thinking about them...

Fear vs. Will

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

-Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear. (Frank Herbert, DUNE)

I had never really considered it before, but DC Comics has had it right all along...Fear IS the opposite of Willpower.  Nothing can shut down an idea so quickly and so fatally as fear.  I noticed it just the other day...as I was doing some exercises I suddenly felt a twinge in my back and got worried.  What if I had hurt myself?  What if I threw out my back or damaged something and screwed everything up?  Wouldn't it be better not to take the chance and go back to just sitting around eating chips instead of trying to stay in shape and maybe pushing too hard and hurting myself??

So dumb!!!  I've been doing the same exercises for over 8 months now!  Nothing bad has happened because of them...on the contrary, I'm much leaner, stronger and healthier than I've ever been!  Not only that, back spasms and sore muscles have been a reality of my existence on a nearly permanent basis since my car accident back in 2006!  Why I'd A: Be surprised about it or B: Start to worry that exercising caused it is beyond me.  

Nonetheless, that tiny twinge of Fear nearly broke months and months of Will.   Luckily, my willpower proved stronger than my fears...in that case!  However I have to wonder what times I might have lost...what other accomplishments, what opportunities, bigger or smaller, might have slipped through my fingers because I was too scared to reach out and take hold?  I know, as a human being, I really can accomplish almost anything based on hard work and, yes, WILLPOWER!  

Fear is stupid.  Don't let it stop you from doing anything that you want to do.

(PS:  My back is fine...I slipped a rib out of place..happens ALL THE TIME and the Chiro fixes it in about 5 seconds if it doesn't go back by itself before then.  No worries!)

3rd Quarter Round-up 2012

Happy October everybody!  So far, no poltergeists or zombies, but it's still only the fourth!  Let's not lose hope...

So 2012 is 3/4 of the way done!  Yikes!  It seems like I was just writing about the 1st quarter!  Or the 2nd...it's not just a cliche, time really does seem to speed up the older one gets...

Anyway, let's see if I'm still managing to keep up with any of my self-afflicted obligations this far into 2012!  I wrote them down originally all the way back in January

1.  My number one priority this year - be OUT OF DEBT before 2013!

Still right on track here.  I've been giving them extra every month since Victoria Day and should be done with my December payment, unless I've somehow made a grievous mathematical error!

2.  Maintain my weight in the 135-155 range, while actually building a little muscle and tone.

Weighed myself before I sat down and I'm 148 pounds.  One pound up from 3 months ago!  Although every time I've stepped on the scale in the last three months I've basically been within 2 pounds of 150...my exercise routine and eating habits have settled down to making me 150 pounds, give or take, I guess.  Works for me!  I've been doing exercises 4 days a week, 2 days on, 1 day off, 2 days on, 2 days off and I'm probably the strongest and healthiest I've ever been!  I only use 15 pound weights, but with enough repetition...

Not only that, but all of this physical activity is strangely addicting.  Even if I don't want to work out cause I'm lazy or whatever, I do it anyway or else I'm grumpy and irritable.  Once it's done, I feel great, even if I felt like crap going in.  Exercise!  Who knew? 

3. Memorize one song a month, chords and lyrics, throughout 2012. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Yeah...no.  I thought of a third song but every time I pick up the guitar I inevitably end up warming up with some songs I already know and then working on new stuff I'm writing or the couple of new songs I'm playing.  Like I said, I did add ONE more song, but it's not memorized yet.  So just no...the only success in this is that it DID (and still does) make me pick up my guitar more frequently...

4.  Write lots! 

I'm writing a TON...to the point that I haven't got the time to write as much as I have to say!  Still haven't found my "project" yet though.  Well, I sort of have, but I just don't know.  I have to put my nose to the grindstone and really get serious about this, sooner rather than later....Regardless, this requirement is not specific enough for me to scold myself m so I'm gonna say I win!! 

5. Schedule one half day a month to really clean my apartment and keep it looking nice. 

My apartment has been cleaner and nicer this year than it has been in the many past years I've lived here.  People have even occasionally complimented me on it.  However, it's been sliding the last few months.  I keep going up north or going outside in the nice weather or having people call me and...long story short, I clean UNLESS something better comes along.  Which happens quite a lot.  So to sum up, I've lived to the spirit of this requirement, but not necessarily to the letter.  In either case, I do like my living space to be clean, and for the most part it is...I'm not going to complain too much!  I'm just going to tackle the bedroom...one of these days...

I guess that's about it for another 3 months!  I had a nice Summer, all things considered...I walked a lot, I thought about things, and sometimes I took action.  I read a lot of comics and went to some conventions and got some new toys and did my job and saw some movies and just...generally life is good!  Way to go, 2012!  See ya in the epilogue!