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well you lucky people, here I am, 2 months later, back in the saddle again. Yeah, that's right, Mike's been drinking and he's all alone again, so time to start pouring out my heart. Not that there's anything in there. Well, I take that back. Clearly there is something in there...and that something is....survey says: PAIN!
Bah....I'm gonna be whiny and morbid again, I can tell. I don't really even feel that way...just bored more than anything....still waiting...still going through the motions....still trying to stay upbeat in the face of adversity....and still only letting my darker feelings flow through the keyboard. God forbid I vocalize them. I'll just post them up here where I know people can comfortably ignore them.
Don't you just love the anonymity of the keyboard? I can say anything here and it's like I never said it at all because I didn't, really. I typed it. It's so easy to forget and ignore the written word....it doesn't bring people down, or ruin an evening or change much of anything. It just makes the person getting shit out feel a little better that he expressed himself somehow.
BLAH! I'm sooo moody lately. Tuesday morning I woke up in a great mood. Today I could barely manage to get myself out of bed. 2 days can change everything. Tomorrow will probably be different again.
Man, I get a lot of flack from my 2 readers about being too depressing when I write this stuff. As if it's all I go through in life. Really, I'm a pretty happy guy from day to day. I mean, I laugh and play along just like everybody else. I'm anti-suicide and try to keep to the status quo. Try to be a good boy and give them what they want....
Anyway, when I sit at the computer the darker side comes out and I guess it's pretty depressing. I probably sound like some loser emo kid as I click away. I don't know why that is. Anyway, it's just a fragment of who I am and not my entire being. I though you should know that.
Fragments:
- The other day I had a dream where I literally beat two people to death with my bare hands. It was quite liberating
- Everyone seems to think I'm crazy because of the way I am living right now but no one questions the alternatives or stops to wonder what other choice I had?
- My best friend is quitting smoking right now and I hope that he was mad last night because of the resultant chemical deficiency and not due to something I said or did
- I want to think I am funny but sometimes I wonder "what if I am not?"
- We had a conversation the other night and dying in your sleep was brought up. I don't want to. You only die once, and I think I'd like to be fully conscious.
- TV is really just flickering lights and sounds. How did it become our new religion? Opiate of the masses indeed. I guess the internet takes second place. Like Islam or Buddhism or something.
- I bet I could be labled racist or something for the previous fragment.
- Shoot I forgot to go to the dry cleaners and pick up those shorts
- Have you ever tried to decide what would be hardest to quit? Booze or Smokes or Coffee? I don't think I could really quit any right at the moment, but overall, I think coffee would be hardest. And yet it is the MOST socially acceptable. Of course, I may be wrong. I've never successfully quit any of these things.
- Youtube is the equivalent of dying your hair green or wearing a funny hat. It's basically just saying "LOOK at me!!! Pay attention to ME!!!" People who didn't get enough attention from their parents or loved ones as children are trying to make up for it now.
- Blogging is for people (like me) who feel like they got enough or even too much attention but that no one really understood what they were all about. I'd rather have one person say "yeah I get it" than 50,000 hits that just go "yaeh, so what?"
- I just got a text message and now I have to go. Good Bye and God Bless
Ok so I feel like I need to express myself tonight but as I sit here with burning chlorine eyes and a brain full of idea fragments and whiskey, I just can't seem to articulate what I wish to say. What is my brain trying to tell me? Why do I feel this uneasy need to communicate with the outside world and yet have no clear idea of what I wish to say? It's the story of my life. Too many ideas is just as bad as none at all.
One more cigarette later and maybe I can communicate.
Brain (that's my friend and the drummer of my band-that-was) left a little while ago, but not before we watched a freaky movie involving John Lennon's killer which sparked a discussion on the state of the world we live in. Turns out it's not going as well as we had hoped.
Before Brian arrived my ex-nephew and current friend Michael was here, and we discussed how people do whatever they want, whatever their gut instincts say they should do, and only come up with rationalizations and excuses to justify their actions after the fact.
Are these two conversations related? I think they may be. I am certainly guilty if that is so.
So the world is going to hell and perhaps I am responsible due to my nature. Perhaps we are all responsible due to human nature. In this case, it may have been inevitable. Having seen the problem, what do we do about it? My guess is that we do nothing. Sit back and enjoy the ride. Like the song says, "it's a mad mad world."
Is this what I needed to say? I don't think so. I think my only real problem tonight is that I want.
What do I want?
I want.....
....someone to understand me for me.
I want....
....someone to acknowledge that I am a strange, strange man, without judging this condition.
I want....
....someone to love me, not despite my oddities or behaviour, but because of them.
I want....
....someone to finally know me, to know everything I am. Know why I can dance through the living room singing a happy song one minute and be exhausted and depressed the next.
I want....
I want....
I want.....
....to never be lonely. But sometimes that's just as fucked up as you can be.
I sound selfish tonight. Maybe I am. I guess we all are sometimes. I guess I just feel alone tonight.
Someday someone will know me. Someday I'll know myself. I will believe.
There's nothing like dismantling my entire life to encourage me to re-examine my priorities. Nothing else seems to make me consider so thoughtfully just who I am and what I want to be. It's a strange and thoughtful feeling, but I think I've learned some things about myself. I became comfortable in my ever-changing body a long, long time ago. Now I feel that I'm finally becoming comfortable in my own mind. Unencumbered, I can finally realize just exactly who I am.
So have I changed due to this process? I don't think it's exactly a change. Rather, it's like stripping away layers of paint and guck and goo and finding what's been underneath all along. Perhaps it's beautiful and perhaps it's ugly. Perhaps it's a treasure and perhaps it's only trash. Whatever the case, it's mine and I will own it. I will be it. I will be who I am.
Some might consider me a butterfly in reverse....turning back into a caterpillar. That may be true, but if so, it is only to grow again...in a different way. Who says a caterpillar must turn into a butterfly? I want to be a Dragon, a Tiger, a Wolf or perhaps just a man.
I have found, though, that to fully realize myself I need other people along. To contrast, to compare, to interact and to learn with. A life fully realized yet lived alone is no life at all. Too much self-examination leads only to self-absorption. Too much consideration leads only to emptiness. So thank you, friends, for being with me and around me. I apologize if I seem distracted or confused. If I seem to be acting out of character, please forgive me. I am only learning to grow.
So now I will go and play my guitar and eat some chicken and live my life on this lazy Sunday and maybe one day I'll find the truth.
I am only who I can be. This is all I want.
Having read over my last post, dated at the beginning of the year, the first thing that pops into my head is "be careful what you wish for." However, that's not really right, as I wanted change and boy do I have it in spades. Honestly, I can't complain. The wait is almost over....
So what's new in 2008 so far?
A couple of things have changed....for one, I am no longer working the mind-numbingly boring crashgate job at TTC that had so depressed me throughout the winter months. Instead, they put me back on sick benefits to wait patiently for a subway operator training class to open up. While I am loathe to lose a little income due to my placement back on benefits, I can't say I miss working the gate. Hellish job. However, I'm not really set up to deal with too much free time either, so I wish they'd hurry up and put me into a training class. Apparently it'll happen sooner than later, and I will know more after a meeting on the 14th.
Of course this is a minor change compared to the big news. As of March 31st, I am officially no longer married. My wife has more or less moved out and we're going our separate ways, with a divorce pending before the end of the year. In some ways it is sad, but in others it is long overdue. I can admit to a sort of sweet melancholy about the situation, but I am hardly heart broken. Life moves on. I don't think that we were ever properly suited for each other and as much as I'll always care for her, most of my hindsight screams out "what were we thinking???"
I guess we were just too different. My dad said of me and my (ex) wife "When I looked at the two of you, it was like looking at the Lion and the Lamb." Apparently I am the lamb. However in this case I guess I was a little bit lion after all, since my actions finally brought about the end. Some people will probably be tempted to say "Wolf in Sheep's clothing" and that suits me too. I am whatever you say I am....
As the song says, "If it's all going to end then it might as well be my fault."
Well, of course due to this momentous change, I'll also be moving into my own apartment come June so that's another big step....new place to live, new job and single. Not a bad start for only 1/4 of 2008. It's a brave new world....now let's make the most of it.
