Sunday, 20 April 2008

Butterfly in Reverse?

There's nothing like dismantling my entire life to encourage me to re-examine my priorities. Nothing else seems to make me consider so thoughtfully just who I am and what I want to be. It's a strange and thoughtful feeling, but I think I've learned some things about myself. I became comfortable in my ever-changing body a long, long time ago. Now I feel that I'm finally becoming comfortable in my own mind. Unencumbered, I can finally realize just exactly who I am.

So have I changed due to this process? I don't think it's exactly a change. Rather, it's like stripping away layers of paint and guck and goo and finding what's been underneath all along. Perhaps it's beautiful and perhaps it's ugly. Perhaps it's a treasure and perhaps it's only trash. Whatever the case, it's mine and I will own it. I will be it. I will be who I am.

Some might consider me a butterfly in reverse....turning back into a caterpillar. That may be true, but if so, it is only to grow a different way. Who says a caterpillar must turn into a butterfly? I want to be a Dragon, a Tiger, a Wolf or perhaps just a man.

I have found, though, that to fully realize myself I need other people along. To contrast, to compare, to interact and to learn with. A life fully realized yet lived alone is no life at all. Too much self-examination leads only to self-absorption. Too much consideration leads only to emptiness. So thank you, friends, for being with me and around me. I apologize if I seem distracted or confused. If I seem to be acting out of character, please forgive me. I am only learning to grow.

So now I will go and play my guitar and eat some chicken and live my life on this lazy Sunday and maybe one day I'll find the truth.

I am only who I can be. This is all I want.

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