So Last Week...

Where are all the Canadians?

Last week marked the first time I neglected to post a weekly blog since December, 2010.  How can this be?  What could I possibly have been distracted by?

Two words - Team Canada.

I'm in good company.  The photograph above is a shot of HWY 401, the busiest highway in Canada, during the Team Canada Gold Medal game.  For true!

I could have posted something last week regardless.  I forgot all about it last Thursday and on Friday I had no time, what with the Canada/USA game to determine who got to play for the Gold, and the festivities that resulted as Canada, of course, won.

On Saturday I could have snuck in before the deadline with something.  Anything...But I didn't. 

I made a conscious decision not to bother.  Coming up this Spring I'll be gone for 2 weeks and I won't be able to post at that time.  And again I'll be incommunicado come June/July.  Plus probably for some time next January.  You may have noticed that I broke tradition this year by not writing a "mission statement" or any resolutions this January.  In other words, I made no promises.  Much like my writing for  Fruitless Pursuits, I would still like to contribute occasionally, but my priorities have shifted and a weekly column is no longer in the cards. 

It's more than just scheduling, however.  Lately, a lot of the times I feel like I am just calling in these posts.  I don't have much of anything to say and so I'm just posting for the sake of posting.  Just because I have momentum on my side. 

One of the original reasons for this blog was to give me a sense of continuity in my life...allow a way for me to look back and see how I was feeling and thinking on any given week in the distant murky past.  It's still an important consideration and of course I'm not thinking about abandoning it completely.

Maybe I can just relax a bit though?  Maybe I should only open my "mouth" when I actually have something to say? 

We are going to try that for a while and see how it goes.  Yeah.  So I'll be around....but maybe just not EVERY week....

Oh by the way...here are all the Canadians! 

Well of COURSE we won the hockey game...it's CANADA!

Go Canada 2014!

Was it only 4 years ago that I couldn't care less about hockey?  It must be...for back during the 2010 Olympics my friends bribed me to watch Team Canada play hockey with the judicious use of Chicken Wings and pitchers of BEER! 

Just that Christmas, my parents had also bought me NHL 10 for my Xbox 360...the first hockey game I'd played since good old NHL '94 back in the day.

The two events combined to make me a HOCKEY FAN!

Consequently, today's blog would be longer, but Team Canada is playing a game against Austria at noon and I want to make sure my laundry is put away before puck drop. 

Go Canada Go!

Oh, speaking of meaningless things...it's also Valentine's day.  Or as I like to remember it, the anniversary of the day that the judge officially granted my divorce!  In hindsight we all agree that the wedding was a mistake to begin with, but it still amuses me that so many celebrate with hearts, flowers, chocolate...and here I didn't think you cared!

Procrastination

I have to face the fact that I have nothing to say today. 

I've been sitting here procrastinating for about half an hour now.

It's okay.  It's February and it's been a long week.  What's to say? 

I think maybe I'll go have a nap.

Have a nice week! :)

Nuts

It's true that I'm a Nut.

It's also true that I have retreated lately into a shell.

Some might say "He just needs to come out of his shell more."

However I have noticed that Nuts which come out of shells around here are immediately devoured.

IT'S A TRAP!!!

Impressions.

1.  The sunlight streams like mercury, thin silver lines pouring through fast moving clouds.  It shines a spotlight down along the icy surface of Lake Ontario, changing colour and feel with each passing moment.

2.  In my dream I remember wrestling with him for the pistol.  A cheap, tacky looking thing, entirely chromed silver.  You could see how the shine was ruined where the serial number had been filed off. 

We grapple.  He has the gun in his hand but I have my hand over his.  I have been training for this for years, and am much stronger than he.  I force his hand to move, I force the barrel of the gun up to his face.  I make him look into the eye of his own gun. 

She lies in the corner on too many pills, unaware or else indifferent.  Her lips are blue.  

The police will never discover that I was there.  They will call this a suicide.  Who am I to disagree?  I am not worried.  It's not the first time I've dreamt of murder.

 3.  If I can finish this thought I can take my very last pain pill.  Wash all the redness away in a blur of cottony white.  Actually, I like the pills a lot less than I thought I would and am quite grateful about the fact.  It will be nice if next week can just go back to business-as-usual.

Ice Sculpture

I was walking along this morning through the ice and wind and sun and cloud and, as per usual, my mind wandered.  I keep thinking about tomorrow's wisdom tooth surgery...I'm not worried about it at all, but it seems so strange to me to think that part of my body will be removed and left behind. 

It made me think about what is really "me".  Obviously not my teeth.

I sat on a bench in the park and looked out over the abandoned baseball diamond.  It is absolutely coated in ice...you could strap on skates and go for a spin (or a flop, if you have my skill levels).  The sun came out from behind a cloud and lit the whole field up...it was so brilliant it hurt my eyes.  A whole new reason to call it a "diamond".

For some reason, my mind turned to the creation of sculpture...how an artist will tell you that the sculpture was always there, and that by chipping away at the stone, all they are doing is revealing it. 

In some ways, I feel like that is what my life is about.  Chipping away at everything that isn't me, until finally I reveal the core of myself...as close as I can make it...

On the other hand, the ice field, while beautiful, is not what's really there.  It's a facade, a shiny cold cover to conceal what really lies beneath. 

In what strikes me as something of a contradiction, I find that I can relate.

I wonder if, while I am trying to chip away at my fallacies and reveal my true self, I am also setting myself apart from humanity.  Creating space.  Protecting myself.  Building walls?  Am I also coated in ice, showing the form of a man but concealing whatever truth may lie beneath the shiny surface? 

Layers within layers within layers.

I am warmed to find, upon announcing my pending surgery, that I have a lot of people that care about me.  People that I tend to keep at arm's length these days.  I tend to keep all people at arm's length these days.

Maybe the two thoughts are not a contradiction.  Perhaps I'll chip away at the rock underneath the ice until I find my true self and then the sun will come out and the ice facade will melt and I will be left, cold and naked and revealed...as raw and green and new as the first blades of spring grass...

Until some baseball team comes along and tramples me and we start the whole process anew.

Toronto the GOOD.

 

This morning I woke up early and took the subway all the way to Leslie Station to visit a dental surgeon and schedule an appointment to have my wisdom teeth removed! 

I touched on needing to do this in an earlier blog - I just thought it was noteworthy that I am actually going through with it!  My appointment is next Friday...

Anyway that isn't the main point of today's blog...after the dentist this morning I decided to head downtown to walk around and maybe buy myself a late birthday present or two...so I took the train down to Ossington Station and then walked from there all the way back to Yonge and Bloor.  On the way I stopped for breakfast and then at various little comic book stores and whatnot...

As I walked along Queen I spent quite some time watching the folks skate about in front of City Hall and it really made me start thinking about this city.  I often get irritated by the people of Toronto because we all so frequently exhibit what I think is just a bad attitude.  Hockey fans in T.O. might recognize it as Blue & White disease, but it doesn't JUST apply to the Leafs!  It's that mix of entitlement and lazy apathy and impatience and dissatisfaction that we Torontonians so often exhibit and it drives me nuts, ESPECIALLY since I often find myself with this very affliction.  It's nothing but negativity, plain and simple.

Well, I did not feel that way this morning!  From watching the ice skating in front of our awesome and ridiculous city hall, to shopping and people-watching while walking along Yonge street, I was filled with happiness and a real sense of pride in my city!

You know, I was born here in Toronto 37 years ago.  I have been employed by the T.T.C. in this city for nearly a decade, and I've made this city my home for over 27 years.  I was literally BRED to be a Torontonian...I have family ties going back at least 8 generations here.  Yet just today I remembered something that it's all too easy to forget in the daily grind of life in T-Dot.  Toronto is a GOOD PLACE to be.  We have a nice city here, and sometimes it's good to just walk around and notice it.  Feel some pride in the place!  It's clean and nice and beautiful and the people are mostly friendly and helpful.  

I am really happy to be here in Toronto!  From now on I'm going to try and make sure that it shows!

THIRTY-SEVEN?!?

Today is my 37th birthday.  Mike v.5.2.

Wow.  It's hard to believe.  I'm not really sure how I feel about that.

37 years old. 

I'm not doing anything today.  I had some plans, but for the last week I've been fighting off a wickedly tenacious virus and even as I type this I still feel dizzy and sluggish and not-quite-here.  Usually once I start taking anti-biotics I start to feel better within 48 hours, but in this case it's been 96 hours and...wellll.....

Although I have to admit I feel better so far today than I did yesterday....and yesterday was better than the days before it.  Hopefully tomorrow I'll be fine, because either way Saturday it's back-to-work and enough of this lying around!

SO...37.

This has been a strange year for me.  I've never had a year where I've felt more in-between.  All of 2013 was about trying to deal with the emotional fall-out of what came before and trying to gather my resources and prepare my universe for whatever happens next.  Very little actually HAPPENED to me in 2013.

I spent a lot of time in my apartment and as a result I made my apartment a much nicer place to spend a lot of time in.

I spent a lot of time both up North at the cottage and here in the city sitting by myself next to a lake with a guitar.

I spent alot of time alone and a lot of time just walking around, thinking about myself, my life, who I am and what I want...annnd I came up with as many questions as I did answers.  Mostly I learned that I really like spending time by myself, even if it's lonely.

But what about the future?  What will 2014 hold?  What of...37?

I think that there are big changes coming in the future.  Not just in my life, but in the whole world.  It seems like things are ripe for change and though no-one really knows what that change will be, there's an air of quiet expectation.  Things are going to be different in the future...

Better?  Worse?  I dunno.  But different.

37.  Who woulda thought?

Christmas Contagion and a Happy New Year!

A bumpy Christmas for many this year, with ice storms and power outages making life difficult.  I was lucky enough not to be affected by any of that!  Sadly though, I have received the gift of sickness for Christmas.  Even worse, I gave the same gift to both my parents.  It's the gift that keeps on giving...

Oh well looks like 2014 will be welcomed, not with a whimper, nor with a bang...but instead with a hearty sneeze!

Regardless, I can't complain.  I've been pretty blessed this year.  Despite barely being able to lift my poor aching head right now, I still must admit that things are looking up!

Happy New Year everyone!

WinterJack.

If you meet up with some friends this Holiday Season, and you happen to bring along a bottle of festive Jack Daniel's WinterJack whiskey, you may decide that it's cool to drink the whole 26er since, "Hey!  It's only 15% alcohol so no big deal, right?"

Well, it's not really that big a deal.  And it is tasty and delicious. Still, it may hamper your desire to blog the following morning.

Although you may get together the energy to discuss it, briefly, by early afternoon...

OR just watch videos on Youtube!


Merry Christmas Everybody!!

Weekends in December...

Yesterday I woke up, got groceries, put in the laundry, vacuumed, dusted and mopped the whole apartment, cleaned the bathroom, took out the garbage and the recycling, did some light Christmas shopping and the had a Dentist Appointment.  Oh and all before the Leafs game, of course...

Today after this blog I am  heading downtown to (hopefully) FINISH my Christmas shopping, then back here to wrap and put up the tree and also I need to head to the the pharmacy and post office if possible.

Days off in December are EXHAUSTING!  What happened to sitting quietly and reading comics?  That's what JANUARY-MARCH is for!

Oh well, It makes me feel useful!  Better get going before my motivation wears off....

Blink.

I can't be the only person who thinks that the Double Double and the Frozen Raspberry Lemonade from Tim Hortons are complimentary tastes, can I?

Not much time to be demented today.  Not much time for blogging at all lately, it seems.  What's up with that?  What a good question...

Oh well, 'tis the season.  In lieu of being meaningful, I will attempt to be entertaining:

WISDOM.

Yesterday I visited the dentist for the first time in...oh....far too many years....

The good news?  No cavities!

The bad news?  Tartar buildup so bad that they couldn't scrape every tooth in one sitting!  They cleaned up the bottoms but I've got to go back in 2 weeks to get the top set done...

The WORSE news?  Wisdom teeth.  IMPACTED Wisdom teeth.

I used to think that Wisdom teeth were called that because they didn't grow in until you were older, and presumably wiser.  However, NOW I know the TRUTH! 

For you see, the Dentist explained to me what would happen when they remove my Wisdom teeth.  How they'll knock me unconscious and cut into my mouth...how they'll need to use a bone saw to cut through my teeth, shattering them into pieces while still inside my jaw...thus allowing them to pry out the shattered, sawed up remains of these silly, sideways teeth.  How the bones inside my face will then hopefully heal up and fill in the missing spaces over the next days and weeks...

The Dentist also explained what would happen if I choose NOT to have the teeth removed.  How they are growing sideways, moving and pressuring my other teeth, grinding into my healthier, more well behaved molars on the sides, destroying both themselves and the useful, cooperative teeth.  He explained how there is an excellent chance that this will cause injury and infection in my mouth.  How the putrid swelling will begin once the infection sinks in, causing the teeth to start rotting in my head...he described the way that PUS will start to build up in the gaps within my jaw and cheeks...how they may have to drill holes up through my face to drain the pus pockets caused by the disgusting, infected Wisdom teeth that I didn't have removed in time!

There's only about a 50-60% chance that the pus thing will happen.  The grinding into healthy teeth until problems arise?  Already started, and very likely to continue, causing more problems the longer it goes on....

SO...the WISDOM comes, not because these teeth grow as you get older, but because these teeth provide you with the opportunity to make the WISE choice!  Do I suffer the certain pain and torment of having them removed?  OR do I take my chances and possibly suffer the much, much worse fate from leaving them the way they are?  There *is* a small chance that everything will just stay the way it is and be fine and I needn't suffer at all if I take no action... 

Too bad that is a fool's hope....I think the WISE choice is obvious.  Have the teeth removed!  I can even get paid time off work for it! 

Still....I don't wanna!!! 

OF COURSE I'm going to do it anyway.  I'm hoping to get an appointment for January.  I'm trying to find WISDOM.

Here's a secret...I have already been FOOLISH.  I've known about this problem for YEARS AND YEARS!  The last time I went to the Dentist he told me about all of this.  He gave me the number to call the surgeon and make the consultation appointment and to get the ball started. 

I.............well........I "lost" the information he gave me and then avoided going to the dentist at ALL for YEARS.  Until yesterday...

Co-incidence?  I think not....

But I finally went.  Perhaps this is a good sign?

Encouraging Diabolical Tendencies

The other day my buddy brought me a box of action figures from the late 80's.  His parents wanted that crap out of their basement and he immediately thought of me!  Within the box I found a few Transformers and both the Batmobile and the Batwing from Tim Burton's Batman '89.  Also various action figures...including one of Superman that I used to have back in the day!

The Superman figure made me smile when I saw it again.  I got a lot of amusement out of it as a child, for you see, this figure has a special action feature.  Contained within the chest of the figure is a weak magnet.  Also included with the figure was a child-sized plastic ring with a green "gem"...a Kryptonite ring!  Just like the one Lex Luthor wears!  Obviously, the ring ALSO has a weak magnet within...and when you hold the ring up to Superman, the two magnets push against each other.  In effect, Superman is REPELLED by KRYTPONITE!  Cool!  The power of magnetism, finally useful!

Now, obviously I relate to Superman.  I wear the T-Shirt, I buy the comics, I even have my own Superman outfit.  However this action figure encouraged me as a child to play, not the hero, but rather the VILLAIN!  And so play the villain I did!  I often pretended that I was Lex Luthor...attacking Superman with Kryptonite...somehow changed into a giant through...you know, technology or something.  And it's fun to play the villain!  Externalize all of the heroics and let yourself eventually be "defeated" by an army of brave little toys...

I thought of it again when I saw the most recent issue of Superman Unchained:

Lex Luthor...holding a Superman action figure...just like me when I was 10!  Diabolical!

Winter Beard and Batman Toque...

I knew I had to keep shaving throughout October to keep my Halloween "Super"...but with the start of November, the mood has shifted!  The Sun has set on Metropolis and Winter is coming!

And along with Winter?  Long, dark nights...

Long dark nights that require a protector...a shadow to strike fear into the hearts of evildoers...A Dark Knight!

Move over Superman!  Clearly I have Batman on the brain!  My plans today include playing several hours of BATMAN: Arkham Origins and possibly taking a break to reorganize my Batmobile collection.

So clearly I'm busy and ought to get to the point...which is simply that it's late fall and I wanted to show off my Batman toque.  Bought it at FanExpo but it entered "active service" today!  Also, I'm growing a beard:

Winter! 

On any Thursday in November...

Yesterday I woke up early.  I had a shower and checked my email and then I wandered out into the city.  I took the subway to Bay street and had breakfast.  Then I hopped back on the train and went to Ossington for a haircut.

After the haircut I walked back to Bathurst to visit the record store.  I bought the albums Who's Next by the Who and a big double album - August and Everything After: Live at Town Hall by Counting Crows. 

I came home and ran a bath...lit some candles and put the Counting Crows album on the turntable.  The first track is a medley of the songs "Round Here" and "Raining in Baltimore", already two of my favourite songs, with an addition to the ending...a new verse about a girl trapped an island...

 
"So she sends a boat out on the sea - with a little note for me
 it says:

Why are all the girls so hungry?
So why are all the girls so hungry?
& why are all the boys so lonely?
& why can't anybody see me?  
Why?"

And I thought about it a lot and surely it's meant as a metaphor but I wonder...if all the girls in the world got together and conspired to each gain 15 pounds...the skinniest girl would still be the skinniest girl and the fattest girl would still be the fattest girl and all the girls might be a little less hungry and maybe a little nicer because of it....and maybe none of us would need to be quite as lonely as we are.

Of course it would never work...too many girls would cheat.

Too bad.  Speaking for myself, I'd much rather spend my time with a girl who is full and chubby and happy than a girl who is hungry and skinny and angry.  

I guess I just don't understand society.

But it doesn't matter...since of course it's not meant to be taken literally...

The NEW Adventures of Superman!

In a blur of motion, faster than a speeding bullet, SUPERMAN arrives!

"With my super-senses I heard loud noises and high-pitched squeals coming from this apartment!  I'd better investigate!"

"Have no  fear, Superman is here!!"

"I've found some sort of strange, alien technology!  I think it might be the key to saving the day...let me examine it more closely with my x-ray vision!"

"What could it be?  What is it for?"

 "Great Scott!  I think I've discovered the answer!!"

"It acts as some sort of hypnotic prison for hot girls!  These two ladies won't cause any more trouble tonight!"

"This looks like a job for SUPERMAN!!!"

"Up, up and away!!!" 

*With thanks to Jeff, Doris and Joy!

Gauze.

Pain.

I know pain.  I've been through it all before.  I've been cut, bruised, broken and beaten.  I've had my bones broken.  I've torn my flesh in a thousand places.  I've felt chunks of my body ripped away with dirty pieces of broken glass, with rusty nails and splintered wood, with barbed wire and shiny but dull blades.  I've had my shoulder, my knee, my hip, several ribs and the fingers on both hands dislocated, torn violently out of their sockets and shoved mercilessly back into place.  I've had my back sprained in violent collision and forced myself back into usefulness through years of excruciating physiotherapy.  I've damaged the interior, cushioning bits in many of my joints, so that I can feel the bones scrape together when I move...the stabbing pain that accompanies my every breath.  I've torn the fabric of my lungs and been left struggling to breathe as they began to fill with my blood.  I've been burned by dozens of cigarettes, by fires and boiling liquid...I've been immersed in ice water and rushed to the hospital as my skin began to blister and redden.  I've fractured my skull and battered my brain over and over again.  I've tattooed myself and sat out in the sun for days, watching my skin take on a sick but cheerful glow.  I've been beaten and put down by the fists of someone I loved.  I've awoken on the side of the road with a limp and a bloody lip and several cuts and bruises and no idea of how I got there.  I've fallen from the tops of many, many high places.  I've picked embedded rocks and gravel from too much of my soft pink flesh. Blood like streams pouring off of my body, pooling in my shoes to make a soft squishing noise with every step I take.

I know something about pain.  I cannot recall the last time that my body did not hurt.

And none of that, not one bit, has ever hurt me as much, has ever caused me as much pain as a woman...

I sometimes feel (these days) as though I'm living my life wrapped in gauze.  As if I'm so emotionally detached and unavailable that nothing really touches me any more.  I can practically see the cool white view through my soft cottony bliss.  The calming light, the chance to rest. 

Is it any wonder I'd wish to protect myself as the days tick by into years?  Of course not.  All that amazes me is that lately I can feel the gauze begin to unravel.  Like a lady caught in the Twilight Zone, doctors are pondering my rate of healing, doctors are unwinding my soft gauzy cocoon.  What will be underneath?  A monster?  A human?  A beautiful creature in a terrible world?

The gauze grows thin and the light grows brighter.  Of course it will take time.  Lots and lots of time.  I'm well insulated.  Bright red spots stain the snowy white.  Time.

Gauze.

One Week in October.

I love October.  Those that follow my comic book musings over at Fruitless Pursuits will already know that I've been lucky enough to have this week off work.  Today's my last day of freedom...back to work tomorrow!  Anyway, in lieu of a proper blog for the week, here's some random pics I've taken as I wandered about Ontario.  Enjoy!

 

The Medium and the Music....

 

So the other day I was randomly thinking about all of the different formats I've listened to music on over the years.  I don't really have a favourite, but each one offers something a little different than the others.  I hope that progress doesn't completely homogenize and thus destroy that variety, although I am afraid it already has.  If so, that's too bad, as I think the options are too valuable in some way to just give up.  In that spirit, here are a few thoughts on each format:

The Record Album:
 I like records.  Records are full of joy and whimsy and are highly visually entertaining.  They also remind me of my childhood which can be nice.  I also like the large format Album artwork and the addition of "record noise"...the pops and hisses and strange resonances that come along with records.

The 8-Track:
 8-Tracks fall into that weird groove of time where I am familiar with them but when I was too young to really know what they were...I don't have much to say about them except that they seem mysterious to me, and possibly a little dangerous.  In that "don't get into that guy's van no matter HOW much candy he offers you" sort of way.  My main experience with them was during a 3 day road trip in my dad's old car, so I also always feel a sense of transition associated with the format.  Which is, I suppose, quite appropriate...
 
The Cassette Tape:
 Cassettes have real character.  Much more durable and easier to transport than records, but still occasionally finicky.  You sometimes need to know just how to treat them to make them shine.  Who hasn't had to hand-spool a cassette to stop it from sticking and/or playing slow?  And of course there is the ever-popular huge spool of unraveled tape that you have to somehow get back into that little plastic case!  Got a pencil?  BIC pens work wonders, too.  I think all that unspooled tape is very pretty glinting in long ribbons on the side of the road on a hot summer day.  Of course the sound quality isn't exactly the best, but hey!  It could be worse! And then there are Micro-Cassettes.  Sometimes they're just tiny, you know...because!  Also the cassette gets preferential treatment for inspiring my favourite Transformer, Soundwave!  Where would the Decepticon army be without their own micro-cassette playing ally?

The Compact Disc:
  Compact Discs are beautiful!  Shiny and modern and wondrous.  How many people had one hung from the rear-view mirror of their cars at one point?  Or used them in an art project?  I remember just staring at the first one I ever bought (Guns N' Roses - Appetite For Destruction).  I didn't even own a CD player yet...I just bought the CD...they were that seductive!  This is the main format of my teens and twenties and probably the one that I'm the most attached to.  Each Compact Disc was like some shiny magic treasure of possibility!  Music made solid, like a thought frozen in time.  Beautiful and clean.

The Digital Format:
 And finally we get to all the 1's and 0's.  MP3's are...well...I sure can carry a lot of them in my pocket!  I really enjoy being able to shuffle every song I've ever heard on iTunes just to see what happens.  Having digital music is infinitely practical and useful.  It's great being able to carry so much music in a tiny magic rectangle in my pocket...it literally makes me feel special somehow.  Still, I have to ask...where's the fun??  The whimsy?  The digital format is certainly the most dull, boring way to present and listen to music, even if is is the most practical.  Perhaps that is okay, though, as finally the focus is fully on what you are hearing, rather than the medium through which it is delivered.  Despite it being the least interesting musical delivery system, I must admit it is the one that I am using right now!  Progress!  Right?  Maybe?

I don't know.  I just hope that no format ever "wins" to the point that the others become unavailable.  I'm "Pro-Options"!