What do I want??

 I'm so jealous of people who feel that they have a calling in their life.  Particularly if they've pursued that calling and are now making a living by it.  Even more so if said calling is STILL not "work" to them even after they've been doing it for a while!

I've never really KNOWN what I want to be.  My mom asked me once when I was sixteen or seventeen "What do you want to do when you grow up?" and my answer was something like, "I dunno, hang out with my girlfriend and play guitar?" or something along those lines. 

Well, I still play lots of guitar, although I've never made a dime at it, or even tried to, and that particular girlfriend has more or less refused to talk to me for over a decade now, so obviously it's about time I reassessed the situation...

Perhaps it's a little too late, now that I have a career that pays well, offers job security and has a good pension.  I'd be an idiot to leave that behind in this day and age to chase some whimsy, even if I COULD determine what I actually want to do. 

So what I need is to figure out something to do that's more fulfilling that what I'm doing now, and that I can do while still keeping my job with the T.T.C. as well. 

You're going to say "Gee, Mike, you WRITE constantly!  Why don't you do that??"  I can hear you now...

That's a great question...one that I usually brush off with some excuse like "I don't have the inspiration to write more than these little Internet articles," or "I just don't have the time and energy to invest in a large-scale project."

Excuses, indeed!  Both of the above statements are true, BUT also pretty weak.  I WOULD like to write, but every time I start a large project I abandon it.  Why?  I can think of two reasons:

1.  I am lazy.  I'd rather watch TV or something.
2.  I am afraid of failure.  I don't want to invest a ton of time and effort into writing a 500 page novel only to realize on page 485 that it SUCKS! 

These are both lousy reasons not to do something!  I know from personal experience over the last couple of years that my laziness is easily combated by just a little willpower and adherence to a routine.  I also am completely sure that just because I don't know if something will work out or not, that is NO REASON not to try it.  Even if it fails horrendously, failure is only training for success!  What else am I doing, anyway?  Watching reruns of Modern Family and eating chocolate?  Ok, that IS fun.  However, if I actually get off my ass and accomplish something, that's even MORE fun!  Also, reruns of Modern Family will always be there, and I can eat chocolate and still type one handed!  Any other excuses, brain?  Hah...I thought not...

Huh.  So maybe I DO KNOW what I want.  Interesting!  However, will I act on it?  If I don't, I'll have to live with my own hypocrisy.  I hate that. 

Well, stay tuned!  Perhaps this is the start of something...larger.

R.I.P. Jerry Nelson (July 10, 1934 - August 23, 2012)

Love you man!  My full tribute at Fruitless Pursuits.  Jerry Nelson.  Wow.

The Walkin' Dude.

My work schedule back in April combined with the onset of Spring weather conspired to get me out for frequent short walks sans destination for the first time in quite a while this year, and although both Springtime and that particular schedule have long since departed, I've kept going for walks whenever time and temperature have permitted.  It's relaxing and free and gives me a lot of time to just be in my head and contemplate my next metaphorical steps, as I'm taking my next literal ones...

Anyway, it amazed me when I first started this new little habit that I could find these quiet, quaint little tree-lined suburban back-streets directly off of Bloor/Danforth, one of the largest streets in Toronto, the fourth largest city in North America and largest in all of Canada!  Little neighbourhoods where people care about what their lawns and houses look like, the noise of traffic and humanity is muted until it's next-to-nothing and where everything gives off, at least the illusion of, peace and tranquility.  Right in my own back-yard, so to speak! 

I guess I never noticed before, or perhaps I was just never at a place in my life where I'd stop to care about this sort of thing...it's interesting to me because as I literally am stopping to smell the occasional flower along the way, it's giving me all the time I need to just appreciate the world we live in...not just the big amazing things, but the small, fragile and mundane bits of civilization that maybe get taken too much for granted.

Or maybe I'm just turning into an old man who likes to take walks.  Either way.  I think I'll go for one right now!  See ya!

Why Am I Here??

 And as he awoke, the moment passed.  Dreams dissolved into sunlight and dust, but the seed of a feeling had been planted.  Now he was left to ponder the twin sensations of wonder and apprehension.  What could it mean?

I have no idea...

So I'm a little ashamed to admit that I'm 35 years old and still don't know what's going on here.  I have no purpose, no higher calling.  I feel like my life is essentially the same as that of an ant.  I do repetitive tasks in a predictable fashion.  I am a cog in a giant machine, and were I to vanish today, I'd be replaced tomorrow and it wouldn't matter.  There is nothing that I do, either personally or professionally, that couldn't easily be done as well or better by someone else.  Some people are one in a million.  I am 563,827 in a million.

Wholly unremarkable.

And yet I feel so unique, and special even!  Entitlement?  Arrogance?

I'm the only one with MY specific point of view, at least.  I bet I'm the only person in the world who saw a Groundhog's attention captured earlier as he stared up in wonder at a Monarch Butterfly flitting about just inches from his face. 

Neither Groundhog nor Butterfly are particularly remarkable either.  However, that moment made them special, in my memory at least.  Perhaps I just need to find my next moment.  Or perhaps I just need to try harder to build on the moments that maybe lately I just let pass me by.  Hmmmm.

Momentum...

I'm always trying hard to be better today than I was yesterday...a little stronger, a little smarter, a little kinder, more patient, just...better.

Sometimes I feel like I get a really good streak going where I'm feeling and living better...I keep making smart choices and stay on my path and I really feel good about myself!  Those are the times when I have momentum on my side...

Then of course, being (grudgingly) human, I screw it all up by making a stupid choice or three...drinking too much or overindulging in other things or being too lazy to exercise or just not giving myself enough time FOR myself...and of course then I feel like crap...I've lost momentum.

It's so much easier to KEEP doing something than it is to START doing something...especially when that something happens to be good for you.  I don't know why that is.  Why should it be so easy to do the things that make me feel bad and so hard to do the things that make me feel good?  There's a part of my mind that tries to talk me out of doing the right things...the part that wants me to stay fat, stupid and lazy...even knowing full well, from bitter experience, that I WILL be miserable...

Well, I just have to keep up the momentum...even in light of missteps...it gets easier every day!  I can't let myself be interrupted.  I can't let myself become lazy.  I've heard it only takes 30 days to reprogram the human mind with a new habit or behaviour.  It's not much time at all!  All the time it takes to build just a little momentum....

Intellectualizing Emotions

Not feeling super motivated to write Stryder's Dementia this week.  My head's been in a weird place for a while...not a bad place necessarily, but I think my decision making abilities have hit some sort of snag.  I guess I just either don't know or won't quite admit to myself what I really want..

Stupid human emotions and needs.  I much prefer the cold hard logic of rationality to the wishy-washy foolishness of emotion, and yet as a human, so many of my decisions are based on how I "feel" about things...considering feelings are arbitrary uncontrolled reactions which are constantly in motion, it's the least solid foundation to base any decision on...

This is why when we used to play games as children I always wanted to be Spock.  Not a choice that made me a particularly popular child.

I suppose it's all fun and games when your thoughts and feelings are working in harmony.  Sadly, my intellect tells me to go one way and my emotions tell me to go the other a little too frequently lately.  It's a hazard when I'm just trying to keep my life as simple as I can...

I have a feeling that if I was a multimillionaire type, I'd be a hermit and a complete eccentric...far more Howard Hughes than Bruce Wayne...considering my strategy for dealing with any emotional issue is usually to withdraw completely.

Oh well I'm sure I'm overly concerned...I really put too much thought into things that seem to come naturally to everyone else.

OR maybe my head is just slow from too much humidity and WAY too much BEER this week.  Neither are legendary great influences on my life, nor are either particularly enjoyable to me these days.  Let's not do THAT again, right?

I'm over it...please September get here soon...I need the Fall...