Friday, 29 July 2011

Holy Something....

The other day I was thinking about the Bible and how it's really a bunch of notes that people found in the mud by a lake and decided to throw together in one book for erm...various reasons.  Some stuff they found got put in, some got left out, all of it got fancifully translated and I'm sure there were probably deaths involved in the process.  I mean, this is organized religion so I'm sure SOMEONE had to die.  I then started thinking about what sort of books would be in a bible written right now but pieced together from bubble-gum wrappers in a few thousand years.  In that spirit, and in order to save future theologians some time, I've started a list of books I think should be included in the "new" Holy Bible, to be published, oh, sometime in the 23rd or 24th century...

Right off the bat I'd like to get the same guy to do a few chapters.  My suggestion is George Carlin.  He wrote "Napalm &Silly Putty", "Brain Droppings" and "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?"  I figure that alone is enough to build a theology on, but just to mix it up a little let's throw in some Kevin Smith too, maybe "Silent Bob Speaks" or "My Boring-Ass Life".  That should fatten up the philosophy section of the new Bible.  Of course we need some good mythical stories involving giants and floods and whatnot as well, So I'm thinking we should also incorporate some fantasy novels.  Perhaps excerpts from George R.R. Martin's "Game Of Thrones"?  Clearly we can't put the whole thing in, no one will have the attention span, but just a chapter or two might add nicely to the mix. 

Anyway you get the idea....if I explain in paragraph why I want every one of these books in the new bible this blog will be 10,000 words so for the rest here's a quick list:

- "Hotel New Hampshire" by John Irving (Job-like story of suffering)
-"American Gods" by Neil Gaiman (add some, you know, Gods...)
-"The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test"  by Tom Wolfe (maybe to replace Solomon?)
-"Fight Club" by Chuck Palahniuk (Why not?)
-"Girlfriend in a Coma" by Douglas Coupland (relateable with some good end-times prophecies - could work as our Daniel)
-"Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley (more chilling prophecies!)

Well that should do it for story time, BUT we need a central figure a la Jesus to wrap all this around.  I haven't read them personally, but those Harry Potter books seem pretty popular so I'll put him up as the "messiah" of the new bible.  He has a similar story-arc.  Of course we might have to imply that he died and was resurrected.  Oh throw in "The Hellbound Heart" by Clive Barker too to scare people into behaving.  It's working so well, why stop?  

Of course we're also gonna need some random songs...hymns if you will....the original Bible has a few chapters of that.  I suggest transcribing maybe Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" and possibly some Beatles.  "White Album" springs to mind.  Of course if I was there I'd want to throw in songs from "August and Everything After" by Counting Crows too.  Why not?

I'd also include some biographies so it all looks official.  Maybe 2 different John Lennon biographies, one that paints him favorably and one that paints him as a mysoginistic ass?  That'll help people have something for theological debate.  I'd also include the biography of wrestler Mick Foley (gladiator!) and perhaps of actress Carrie Fisher.  We need a girl in here and again, some real life people to mix in with the fiction will only add to our credibility.

Finally, since this is the future I think we need a little mixed media.  Therefore I would like to submit the episode of South Park called "Super Best Friends" to add a tie in to present day gods.  Also, for our final, Revelation-like chapter, I can't think of anything better than graphic novel "The Watchmen" by Alan Moore.  Who watches the Watchmen?  Why, no one, my good man.

Now you know.  Anything you want to contribute?  We need to get about shredding them into non-sensical bits and pieces of books and burying them down by the lake to be discovered and redefined in the upcoming millenia!  The people of the future are counting on us for all their spiritual needs!!!  Or hey, make your own bible and then my people can fight a bloody millennium-spanning war with your people for dominance!  Good times!!!



    nope cant agree Mike..the Bible is true and i believe its God's word to us.

  2. Something from 'Rosanne Connor' would be nice....

  3. :D if you didn't get that tounges are firmly in cheeks during writing I think maybe you're taking this stuff too seriously, "Anonymous".

    And yeah, Rosanne Connor could DEFINITELY contribute :D