ALONE.

"Nobody Loves Me

Everybody Hates Me

Going to the Garden 

To Eat Some Worms..."

Come Saturday, my "impromptu houseguest" situation is finally going to be resolved and my life can go back to the way it was back in October of last year.  "La Vie Solitaire" returns!  I am both overjoyed and miserable. 

All of my life I have been alone.  I'm an only child.  A latch-key kid who rarely spent more than an hour or two a week with either parent as a child (at least that I recall).  I also moved constantly in my early years, changing homes, schools, towns, cities, even countries.  I quickly learned that forming any sort of meaningful attachment to anyone was a complete waste of time since I'd just be leaving soon anyway.  It was better for everyone if we all just kept a nice, cool distance.  That way, no one got hurt!

Come high school of course things changed.  My life had achieved a modicum of stability and I began to form the sort of lasting relationships that I'd avoided since I was 5 or 6.  For a few years this worked out fairly well, even to the point that I fought to stay here in Toronto and keep those relationships when I really should have left.  I was just too scared of ending up alone again.  The decisions of a 17 year old...what can ya do?

In any case, by staying instead of going I learned a very valuable life lesson:  EVERYONE IS ALWAYS LEAVING.  If I don't leave, eventually you will.  It IS inevitable. 

It took me from 1977 until 2011 to accept this simple fact and decide, as I did back when I was 6 or so, that I am meant to be alone and I ought to be happy about it. 

Don't get me wrong, when I say everyone is always leaving, there's no judgment involved.  I'm not bemoaning my lot or criticizing the ones who've come before.  Their actions are rarely malicious and almost always make sense.  I'm just not the most important person in anybody's life.  No one is sticking around just for me.  Nor should they!  I'd probably just leave them, anyway. 

It's true.  I just haven't entirely figured out how to be happy about it, yet.  I'm learning, though!

Infection Detection

Been sick all week.  Found out on Wednesday when I finally went to the doctor it's bronchitis.  Got tons of lovely antibiotics and on the mend!

Of course it doesn't do much for my artistic abilities.  Hard to be witty or good with words when one is sitting like a lump, motionless, in a zombie-like daze.  At least I have no compulsion to eat human brains.  I might try one once as a delicacy or something, mind you, but I don't need to attack the living or anything.  More Hannibal Lecter than Night of the Living Dead.  Have I said too much?

Anyway just don't expect too much this week, that's all.  I haven't exactly accomplished a lot.  Mainly I just keep trying to breathe.

Ahh well, back to work on Monday if all goes according to plan and should be fully 100% by this time next week!  Actually after all the antibiotics I've been taking, perhaps healthier than ever!!!  See ya then!

Decisions, Decisions....

I've been thinking a lot about the way that people make decisions lately.  Why do humans do the things we do?  A lot of it seems pretty dumb and self-destructive.  Usually pretty obviously so, too.  So what makes us decide that something is a good idea?

Typically, I find it very easy to make decisions.  Most of the choices I've had to deal with in life have been self-evident to me, even if they've made almost NO sense to anyone else.  In hindsight a lot of my decisions have maybe been pretty bad, but for the most part I'd make the same choices in the same situation if I had to do it again.  Any given decision I've made in the past was what made the most sense to me at the time and had the best chance of achieving my agenda given the information in my possession at the time of the choice.  As a matter of fact, I can only think of two choices I've made that I would change, and if I changed the first one it would eradicate the circumstances surrounding the second.  Of course, my agenda isn't always clear to everyone.  Occasionally people think I am trying to achieve something that I am not.  It's hard for me to explain how my brain functions.  My goals are often fairly abstract.  But I digress...

My interest today is in the decision-making process.  I wonder how most people go about making decisions?  I suspect most, myself included, would claim to weigh the pros and cons, judge what they are trying to achieve and what it might cost, perhaps get the opinions of some trusted advisers, and eventually, carefully and analytically, after worrying and stressing for some time, after trying to peer into the future and glean some hint of what path is most beneficial to them, finally decide what to do.  

I also suspect that most people, myself included, are fooling themselves when they claim that the above is their decision making process.  I am starting to think, more and more, that this is simply the rationalization process.  I suspect most people know exactly what their decision is, or at least what they WANT it to be, in the first couple of seconds after being presented with a choice.  All of the analysis and stress and sleepless nights are simply a way for your brain to talk (or perhaps trick) itself into believing that the choice you want is really truly the RIGHT choice.  Your brain wants you to believe that this choice, made subconsciously and instantaneously, is really for the best...it's the smartest choice...definitely not a huge mistake.

Which of course it may or may not be.  There's no way to know for sure until you try it.  Odds are, in the big scheme of things, it won't matter much one way or the other.  It'll likely just move you further down the path you were going along anyway. 

I don't know if the above is true or not.  Are our decisions based on logic and thought, or are they really just instinctual?  I'm not sure, but I'm leaning towards instinctual.  Every other creature on this planet acts to it's nature...we must as well!  Just consider the scorpion.  Then if this is true, doesn't it mean that most of our actions are preordained, not because of some mystical destiny or fate, but rather just because being who we are we couldn't possibly have made any other decision anyway?  Preordained due to the laws of probability and human nature.  Even though we bear the trappings of free will, we really have very little control over what we decide.  Whatever choice we make is based on our own nature and rests atop all of the other choices we've made in our lives.  It makes our actions practically inevitable.  Fait accompli!

Having said that, I still don't know if it's true.  Maybe it's true unless we struggle to rise above it and seize control of ourselves?  An interesting idea...I'll think about it.  In either case, whether this idea is true or whether it's just a strange idea, I still strongly believe in personal responsibility and accountability.  Does that make me a hypocrite?  If so, I can't help it...it's in my nature!!

Resolute 2012!!

Well, now that the new year is in full swing, let's see what my goals are...as long time readers know, I made 5 simple goals last year that I actually more-or-less stuck to and that really helped me feel like I accomplished something in 2011.  I hope to capture that same magic twice by saying I'll do something this year, and then doing it!  But what shall I do??  Let's see....

1.  My number one priority this year - be OUT OF DEBT before 2013!  Based on the payments I made last year and the amount that I still owe, this is a completely reasonable and manageable goal.  I may have to tighten my belt slightly, but it CAN AND SHOULD be done.  Stay tuned to find out if it will!

2.  Last year I lost about 40 pounds.  In the last 5 years I have lost about 150 pounds.  Sadly, a lot of that is muscle mass.  This year I would like to maintain my weight in the 135-155 range, while actually building a little muscle and tone.  Not training to be Batman, just a little tone.  In this spirit, I have decided to start on a weekly exercise schedule - nothing even close to strenuous - just something I can do that's positive and physical at least once a week to help myself feel better and stronger.  I am a very lazy person, but I don't think this is too much to ask of myself.  If I manage to exercise once a week for the year I'll consider this fulfilled!

3.  Last year I wanted to learn how to play some more difficult songs on the guitar, and so I did!  This year, I want to memorize some of those songs.  When I play now, I use a songbook...I want to be able to play more songs right off the top of my head.  In that spirit, I've decided to memorize one song a month, chords and lyrics, throughout 2012.  Maybe I'll even record the song-of-the-month for Youtube.  This month's song is Mary Jane's Last Dance by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.  I'll let you know how it goes.

4.  Writing - I am doing quite well keeping up with this blog and also with Fruitless Pursuits!  I want to continue to maintain that for sure...at least one article a week for Stryder's Dementia and at least 2 a month for Fruitless Pursuits (one a week as long as I keep up my current weekly comic book article)!  I also would like to work more on developing story ideas for some longer fiction that I've been working on and also I'd like to work a bit on songwriting.  Unfortunately, I know better than to try to force those...I need to be in the right state of mind or what I come up with is crap.  Nevertheless, I think it can be done!!

That reminds me - I have a great story idea for a Graphic Novel.  Sadly, I can't draw at all.  If you're an artist looking for a writer, please let me know!

5.  Finally, I have decided that my living environment has a tremendous impact on my emotional well-being and that I let it get too dirty and cluttered too often!  Thus, at the VERY MINIMUM, I need to schedule one half day a month to really clean my apartment and keep it looking nice.  I am sick and tired of being apologetic when someone who's not over often comes by.  Not that my place is ever really dirty, but I always feel like it could be a little cleaner.  Perhaps once I pay of my debt I can pay someone to do this one for me?

All right well that's all I got right now.  Mostly these are a natural continuation of last year's goals and I think that's a good thing!  I also still want to be more adventurous and open to trying new things, just like last year, but I decided that this is a goal not quite measurable enough to post for the year.  It's too open to interpretation!  Let's just keep open and fun and see what the new year brings! 

Happy 2012 everybody!  Remember the words of Mahatma Gandhi - "Be the change you want to see in the World!"