La Vie Solitaire

So currently my number one gripe in life is that I'm going through it alone.  Haven't had a girlfriend since last September and haven't really gone out on any dates or even been more than passingly interested in doing so.  I just haven't met anyone who's interested me enough to pursue, and it's frequently gotten me down.  

As long-time readers will know, I've always considered myself a "relationship guy".  Since I started dating at 16, I really haven't spent more than 3 years of that time single, and never more than a few months in a row.  I think I may have spent 8 or 9 months in a row once before.  So I've been in a relationship for at least 15 years out of the last 18.  Suddenly I'm not in one and have no prospects for same and it's thrown me for a loop.  Until last week that is.

Last week, while I was on vacation, I realized a few things.  First off, I realized that I was having a great time on vacation and that there was no way I could have had the week I had with a girlfriend tagging along.  I doubt the Cleveland trip would have happened and I certainly couldn't buy myself a new TV without undertaking a lot of exhausting conversations about whether or not I could afford it or if I wanted it or whatever.  Then I started to think about it further and realized that every day I have everything exactly the way I want it.  I watch what I want on TV.  If I want to go out I go and if I want to stay in I stay.  If I feel like shaving off my beard I don't have to ask permission.  Same thing if I want to grow it back.  No one bugs me if I get up in the middle of the night and make noise or accuses me of being anti-social if I wander off half-way through a movie and start playing guitar instead.  I can play hockey on Xbox whenever I want.  Hell, if I wanted to I could go play hockey in REAL LIFE (not that I would...it's a recipe for disaster).  Anyway my point is I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, without having to discuss it in committee.  It's actually a pretty good trade off for a few measly feelings of loneliness.  It's something I've never experienced in life.  There's always been some woman there questioning all my activities and trying to control my free time.

There's a quote from the movie Fight Club that goes "We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need."  I think that sums up my feelings.  In the past I've always felt like I needed some girl to tell me if I'm doing things right, to validate my lifestyle or boost my self-esteem or something.  Now I realize that not only do I not need that, but that I'm pretty damn happy without it.  I'm not saying I'm suddenly going to become anti-relationship and if I meet someone that really interests me then I'm sure I'll reconsider, but with this new-found perspective I don't consider myself a "relationship guy" any more.  I'm done worrying about it and spending my time and money trying to attract someone just because I think I'm supposed to.  It's ridiculous.  I think I'll be a free man instead.  This solitary life ain't so bad.