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Ok so I feel like I need to express myself tonight but as I sit here with burning chlorine eyes and a brain full of idea fragments and whiskey, I just can't seem to articulate what I wish to say. What is my brain trying to tell me? Why do I feel this uneasy need to communicate with the outside world and yet have no clear idea of what I wish to say? It's the story of my life. Too many ideas is just as bad as none at all.
One more cigarette later and maybe I can communicate.
Brain (that's my friend and the drummer of my band-that-was) left a little while ago, but not before we watched a freaky movie involving John Lennon's killer which sparked a discussion on the state of the world we live in. Turns out it's not going as well as we had hoped.
Before Brian arrived my ex-nephew and current friend Michael was here, and we discussed how people do whatever they want, whatever their gut instincts say they should do, and only come up with rationalizations and excuses to justify their actions after the fact.
Are these two conversations related? I think they may be. I am certainly guilty if that is so.
So the world is going to hell and perhaps I am responsible due to my nature. Perhaps we are all responsible due to human nature. In this case, it may have been inevitable. Having seen the problem, what do we do about it? My guess is that we do nothing. Sit back and enjoy the ride. Like the song says, "it's a mad mad world."
Is this what I needed to say? I don't think so. I think my only real problem tonight is that I want.
What do I want?
I want.....
....someone to understand me for me.
I want....
....someone to acknowledge that I am a strange, strange man, without judging this condition.
I want....
....someone to love me, not despite my oddities or behaviour, but because of them.
I want....
....someone to finally know me, to know everything I am. Know why I can dance through the living room singing a happy song one minute and be exhausted and depressed the next.
I want....
I want....
I want.....
....to never be lonely. But sometimes that's just as fucked up as you can be.
I sound selfish tonight. Maybe I am. I guess we all are sometimes. I guess I just feel alone tonight.
Someday someone will know me. Someday I'll know myself. I will believe.
There's nothing like dismantling my entire life to encourage me to re-examine my priorities. Nothing else seems to make me consider so thoughtfully just who I am and what I want to be. It's a strange and thoughtful feeling, but I think I've learned some things about myself. I became comfortable in my ever-changing body a long, long time ago. Now I feel that I'm finally becoming comfortable in my own mind. Unencumbered, I can finally realize just exactly who I am.
So have I changed due to this process? I don't think it's exactly a change. Rather, it's like stripping away layers of paint and guck and goo and finding what's been underneath all along. Perhaps it's beautiful and perhaps it's ugly. Perhaps it's a treasure and perhaps it's only trash. Whatever the case, it's mine and I will own it. I will be it. I will be who I am.
Some might consider me a butterfly in reverse....turning back into a caterpillar. That may be true, but if so, it is only to grow again...in a different way. Who says a caterpillar must turn into a butterfly? I want to be a Dragon, a Tiger, a Wolf or perhaps just a man.
I have found, though, that to fully realize myself I need other people along. To contrast, to compare, to interact and to learn with. A life fully realized yet lived alone is no life at all. Too much self-examination leads only to self-absorption. Too much consideration leads only to emptiness. So thank you, friends, for being with me and around me. I apologize if I seem distracted or confused. If I seem to be acting out of character, please forgive me. I am only learning to grow.
So now I will go and play my guitar and eat some chicken and live my life on this lazy Sunday and maybe one day I'll find the truth.
I am only who I can be. This is all I want.
Having read over my last post, dated at the beginning of the year, the first thing that pops into my head is "be careful what you wish for." However, that's not really right, as I wanted change and boy do I have it in spades. Honestly, I can't complain. The wait is almost over....
So what's new in 2008 so far?
A couple of things have changed....for one, I am no longer working the mind-numbingly boring crashgate job at TTC that had so depressed me throughout the winter months. Instead, they put me back on sick benefits to wait patiently for a subway operator training class to open up. While I am loathe to lose a little income due to my placement back on benefits, I can't say I miss working the gate. Hellish job. However, I'm not really set up to deal with too much free time either, so I wish they'd hurry up and put me into a training class. Apparently it'll happen sooner than later, and I will know more after a meeting on the 14th.
Of course this is a minor change compared to the big news. As of March 31st, I am officially no longer married. My wife has more or less moved out and we're going our separate ways, with a divorce pending before the end of the year. In some ways it is sad, but in others it is long overdue. I can admit to a sort of sweet melancholy about the situation, but I am hardly heart broken. Life moves on. I don't think that we were ever properly suited for each other and as much as I'll always care for her, most of my hindsight screams out "what were we thinking???"
I guess we were just too different. My dad said of me and my (ex) wife "When I looked at the two of you, it was like looking at the Lion and the Lamb." Apparently I am the lamb. However in this case I guess I was a little bit lion after all, since my actions finally brought about the end. Some people will probably be tempted to say "Wolf in Sheep's clothing" and that suits me too. I am whatever you say I am....
As the song says, "If it's all going to end then it might as well be my fault."
Well, of course due to this momentous change, I'll also be moving into my own apartment come June so that's another big step....new place to live, new job and single. Not a bad start for only 1/4 of 2008. It's a brave new world....now let's make the most of it.
So, here it is, January 4th, 2008. Christmas, New Year's and my Birthday are all good and over with and a new day has dawned. Time to look back and see what happened in 2007.
So, what DID happen in 2007?? In a lot of ways, to me at least, 2007 seemed like the year of the wait. I know this isn't exactly true, but because of my work situation it sure seems like it. I've been waiting since last February to find out what permanent position I'm going to be getting within the T.T.C. since I can't drive a bus any more, and so far I have heard nothing. Instead, they've given me a job that's basically to sit in one spot and collect change. Apparently I'm a panhandler in training. Eventually the powers that be will have to officially make me a collector or a subway driver or something, but so far, I've yet to hear what their plans might be. I think they're waiting it out too, hoping I'll get fed up and either return to bus driving or quit the company. So far, it's been a big stalemate, but hey, as long as I've got a steady paycheque I guess I can't complain too much.
So anyway, let's think of what happened this year of note. First off, last January I was unable to work at all and weighed about 60 poounds more than I do now since all I was doing was sitting on my couch taking drugs for months to try and heal up my back. Since then, at least I managed to get back to work in some capacity and drop all that extra weight. My back and knee still hurt constantly, but at least it's better than it was and I can move and do stuff. I couldn't even pick up a 10 pound object from the floor when 2007 began, and now I'm almost as capable as I ever was, albeit in a lot more pain. So in my eyes that is an improvement.
In April my wife and I decided to get a cat. Well, rather she decided to get a cat and I decided not to argue too much. Although he was a huge pain in the ass at first I eventually started to like having him around. We named him Ramble after the Led Zeppelin song "Ramble On" and he's usually good for a laugh.
I attended my first Transformers convention this year and met Michael Bell, voice of Prowl, Duke and various other beloved cartoon characters from the 80's. That might not mean much to most but it was a good day for me. Of course 2 things since then have diminished my love of transformers a great deal. The first was the live action movie. While it was interesting, it didn't make me more of a fan by any means.
The second has to do with another thing that happened which I'll get to in a minute
Perhaps the most life-altering thing to happen to me in 2007 was meeting a teenage girl name Jessica who jumped into my life and sort of got herself adopted into my family before we'd turned around twice. I never thought I'd be a "parent" and now all the sudden my wife and I have ourselves a teenager! Well of course she's not really adopted, but she's a part of our crew. Why we still talkin' about this? Jessica rules!
In a somewhat related incident that I won't get into here, I also lost a friend that has been in and out of my life over the last ten years. I couldn't put up with his behaviour any more, as it was increasingly erratic and troublesome. He started becoming more and more, well, evil...for lack of a better word. It was no suprise, and he's been down the road he's taking a lot of times in the past, but at least I'm finally quit of watching his destructive behaviour. I'd walked out on him several times in the past and always felt bad about it previously, even though his behaviour was unconscienceable. This time, however, he got fed up with me "interfering" with his plots and decided himself that I was no longer welcome around him. It was a huge relief for me and I've now washed my hands of him forever. It's a fairly major change, but one that was quite easy for me to accept. My only regret is that he still has several people I care about under his sway who are hurting themselves by associating with him. When we were friends I could keep an eye on them and counter some of his bad influence. Now I cannot. I just hope that they figure it out for themselves eventually and aren't too damaged by following him on his path. I know that sounds melodramatic but one only has to look at the history of his previous obsessions to see that it is not. Those who do not learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them, often at great cost.
Oh, incidentally, he was also my transformers buddy and thus my love of transformers is severly diminished since our falling out. I just want to distance myself from him as much as possible. I'm sure in time I'll get over it.
Also in 2007, for the second time in my 4 year marriage I was actually becoming very worried that things were going to fall apart. Cristal (my wife) and I were drifting apart like mad over last winter and spring, even into the summertime. We started having problems for two reasons. One was my moodiness, due to the whole constant pain and drug use and inability to do many of the things I was used to doing. I started regressing into myself a lot and that drove a wedge between us. The second reason was that my wife got more and more wrapped up in her career and her interests and suddenly I was not as included as I thought I should be. It made for several weeks where we hardly saw or spoke to each other, although we were usually always civil and friendly when we did speak. It was just sort of living with a stranger...a roommate or something.
Well, luckily we reconnected at least somewhat come late summer and fall and things are looking up, although we don't have the same dynamic that we used to. I guess all relationships change over time and that's something I will just have to deal with over the course of my life. In any case, I think we're good now. There's no lack of love, just lack of things in common, and that can be overcome by shared experiences...
All in all, it's been one of those years. Some good, some bad, and a lot of frustration. I'm not the sort of person who likes to sit around and wait for change when things are out of my control...I prefer to make change. In this case however, I really have to wait or give up. For now, I'll wait and be hopeful that the new year will bring change, particularly in my work life. All I can do is carry on like the wayward son that I am.
In brief - some good:
Gained a new and excellent friend
Rekindled my love of playing guitar
joined the 21st century with an iPod of my very own
lost 60 pounds
some bad:
lost a friend (but made a great trade)
did the most unfufilling job imaginable for most of the year
struggled to make ends meet far too often
had a rocky relationship for a good part of the year
And that's about all the thought I care to put into 2007. Bring on the new year. I can take it.
