"Low"

I got an email from Spin Magazine this week featuring an excellent article celebrating 20 Years of the band Cracker and their album "Kerosene Hat"!  Oh and of course the hit song, "Low".

Has it been 20 years already?  I actually associate both song and album more with 1994, personally.  That was the year I turned 17 and also the first year that I had my own place.  I used to sit around for hours with my very first roommate and listen to "Kerosene Hat" daily.  My very first girlfriend was there all the time too.  Those two started seeing each other behind my back and formed my very first love triangle!!

Of course those events occurred almost immediately after (what my 17 year old mind considered to be) the complete abandonment of my family, teaching me my very first lessons in real life: 

Never trust anyone stupid enough to love you and remember that everyone is always leaving.

Of course, mostly I don't feel that way anymore.

Do I?

"I'll be with you girl

Like being low

Hey, hey, hey

Like being stone..."

What a great album...Yeah I know it's all about the Heroin.  It doesn't matter...if shoe fits, wear it!

Say Something Nice...

Everybody knows I'm a guy with a lot of hobbies and interests.  Like any geek, my interest in something or other will get peaked and, for at least a while, become extremely consuming...whether it be the Maple Leafs or Batman, Transformers or guitar, or whatever!  The interest becomes my focus for a while until I feel like I know everything I want to about it or that I've worn it out or, in some cases, (in the words of Optimus Prime) "It never ends."

Why do I mention this?  No real reason, but I've been noticing lately that no matter what I develop an interest in, there's a long line of people waiting to dump all over it.  Maybe it's just because it's January and everybody's either getting sick or recovering from being sick and it's cold and grey...I don't know.  The part that bugs me is that the people waiting to dump on the things I enjoy are SUPPOSED to be FANS of same.

Maybe I just spend too much time on the Internet.  I just get annoyed that the so-called supporters of, say, the Maple Leafs, are often the first people to bash them.  Same with comics...everyone's just waiting to rip them to shreds as soon as they're released...movies...no sooner is J.J. Abrams announced as the director of the next Star Wars movie than people are bemoaning the announcement, even though he did a GOOD job with the recent Star Trek movie, and is generally thought well of as a director. 

So why is everyone so negative?  What does it accomplish?  Let's all try to focus more on the positive...look on the bright side, for once, will ya?  You know, if you can't say something nice...

That's right...I'm being negative about negativity.  Ta-da!

The Human Condition.

Withing 12 hours of last week's regression to depression, (Mood Swing) I started feeling some cold symptoms pushing in...it's nice to have a convenient biological excuse for my random mood swings.  Effect, meet Cause!

So this week I'm just recovering from an annoying little virus.  One which has been mild enough that it hasn't stopped me from living my life...I still went to work, still saw people, still did chores, etc...but severe enough to make said life more-or-less unenjoyable.  

Isn't it messed up how we're all just slaves to this weird meat body?  The smallest things (literally microscopic!) can cause these insane, drastically life-altering changes in our very beings!  Sucks.  No wonder I used to dream of becoming a creature of pure energy, bursting forth from my rotting old flesh sack as if it were simply a cocoon...spreading wings made of lightning and flying out into the greater universe and away from all the petty distractions and needs of an all-too-brief biological existence. 

Huh...and once again, religion is invented...

It's called the "Human Condition".  No one ever said it was pleasant.  At least it comes with the occasional perk.  Beings of pure energy have no idea how great Bacon tastes!

Mood Swing

There's one thing that I just hate about my life.  No matter how well things are going for me...no matter how many goals I've accomplished...no matter how nice and sunny it is outside...no matter how healthy I'm being...no matter WHAT. 

Some days I just have this feeling of crushing isolation and loneliness and misery.

Like a dark shroud hanging a funereal pall over every thought, every experience.  Some malevolent emotional backlash, doing it's best to crush my spirit into the ground like the dirty, tar-stained cigarette butt that I'm sure it resembles by now.

Today's a lovely, bright beautiful day and I don't have to work.  In a little while I'm to spend time with my friends and smile and have a fun afternoon and evening.  In the meantime, I'm being useful and comfortable and everything is fine!  So how come I feel like everyone I've ever known or loved is a million miles away and I'm dying by degrees here alone in some ash-choked, desolate and forgotten valley?  Why have I been fighting back tears all morning?  Why do I have the (thankfully controllable) urge to lash out at any stranger who dares to approach?  Why do I feel this way?  I'm 36 years old...shouldn't I have grown out of moodiness for no reason by now?  Is it a brain-injury thing?  Too many concussions in the past = dark days in the future?  I don't know.  I wish I did.

At least as I get older I can recognize my feelings and know that this black mood is fleeting...even if it sometimes feels like it will always be this way...even if my heart bleeds and begs me to just give up...give in to the inevitable.  I will not go...

For every valley there is a peak...the wheel's always turning.  In my head I know it.

Still...how I hate these moods. 

We All Wanna Change the World...

Well, it's 2013!  Now what? 

Long-time readers will know that over the last couple of years, I set down my long term goals for the year in writing here on this blog and then follow-through with them (or not) throughout the year.  In this way, I avoid making silly resolutions that I give up on immediately.  It's been working out pretty well for me!

When it came time to think about what I want to do in 2013, I really came up shorter than normal.  I feel like I've almost got my life together now...there's not too much left that I care to change.  Of course, "Stay the course big guy" doesn't make for the most fascinating writing, now, does it?

With that in mind, here's a few things I'd like to accomplish this year: 

1.  Have a minimum of $5000.00 in a separate savings account by the end of the year. 

Considering that this is only a fraction of the amount of cash I had to pay to get out of debt in 2012, I think it's a reasonable goal.  My only obstacle is that now that I don't have to pay off debt, I want to upgrade some furniture and whatnot.  That's gonna cost me!  Regardless,  I think it's important to finally start saving.  A nest egg!  Crazy...

2.  Maintain a healthy lifestyle!  

This encompasses continuing my exercise plan and maintaining my current weight, as per last year, but takes it just a little further.  For example, I have been putting off going to the Dentist, getting my wisdom teeth out, finding a permanent General Practitioner and getting regular check-ups rather than just going to the walk-in when I have a specific problem, etc.  This is unacceptable.  I have learned that procrastination in these matters often leads to much larger issues...the last thing I need is to accomplish all my goals but then get tripped up by totally avoidable health issues!

3.  Try a few "new" interests.

Over the last year or so, I have become interested in trying a few different things but have not acted upon  these interests due to lack of time or money or simply motivation.  This list includes: 

-Seeing a Psychiatrist
-Joining a Yoga class
-Taking a course in Philosophy
-Learning some form of Self-Defence
-Taking a few Guitar lessons

Now I am totally NOT planning on doing all of these things.  Scheduling alone means that I cannot do all 4 simultaneously.  However, I want to at least TRY some of them, and maybe switch it up if I get bored.  Or I may not try anything on the above list, but find something ELSE new as the opportunity arises.  I just want to expand both my knowledge and my skill set as I age.  No-one creative should ever be satisfied simply resting on their laurels...

4.  Start trying to put more of my writing energies into a "big picture" project.

This is where things get tricky.  It occurred to me (I think I even mentioned it previously) that I write all these little posts and if I'd been writing one big thing, I'd be done by now.  However, I don't want to quit Stryder's Dementia OR Fruitless Pursuits.  A Conundrum!  How do I resolve it?  I haven't fully decided yet, but it may well be that something will have to give.  Either way, I'd like to have something more substantial to show, writing-wise, by the end of 2013.

5.  Be flexible and don't be afraid to experiment.

This is less a goal than simply a reminder to myself...to be willing to make changes...to be willing to try new ideas and also be willing to give up on old ideas and patterns that maybe aren't working for me any longer.  Also to be able to TELL when it's time to start something and when it's time to quit something.  Not to mention I need to do this without letting myself get stretched too thin.  It's a juggling act, for sure! 

Mainly I just want to be happy!  I want to try things that I think will make me happy, and I want to stop doing things that don't make me happy any longer.  I also need the wisdom to tell these types of things apart!  Habit is NOT a good enough reason to keep doing anything...

So there we go!  Not quite the black-and-white TO-DO list that I put forth in 2012, but as I evolve, so do my goals.  I'll be very curious where 2013 ends up taking us ALL!  I hope you are too!