Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Reaching Out...

First, an excerpt of what happens when I begin to hate.  I wrote this little bit last week when humanity had sickened me in a variety of ways in only a few hours.... 

Sometimes I feel as though I've spent half my life trying to move out of earshot of these ridiculous fools and the intrepid, moronic bile that spews from their bloated, greasy lips. 

When I was a child, other children literally thought that I was an alien being because of how very, very different I was from them.  How I wish that this was the truth.  I would delight in the knowledge that I was not a member of this dark and demented species. 

This is how I felt, at least for one night last week.  However, it's not how I want to feel about people.  I've lived in this city for most of my life.  I was born here, My first words were here, I had my first kiss, my first love, my first apartment and my first heartbreak within these borders.  All day every day I make a living moving the people of Toronto from place to place, interacting with the multitudes.  I don't want to hate these people and I don't want to stop caring about Toronto or what happens here.

Despite this, lately I've had a few close friends independently mention to me that I've gotten pretty dark.  Too negative and too cynical.  I can blame some of that on my current situation in life, but not all, I think.  It scares me cause the weather's still nice and the sun's still shining on me.  If I'm already this bad, what will February bring??  What has caused me to grow so cold in the last couple of months?  What can I do to stop it?

I came to the conclusion that, as much as I like to brag about my independence, and as much as I truly feel that I am both self-sufficient and in many ways better off alone, my main problem is loneliness.  Not that I am without companions!  I feel well loved and have many great friends that care about me!  Rather, I feel like I am missing out on that one truly intimate connection that everyone wants and a few lucky people have.  I feel isolated even in the midst of millions of people, many of whom are friends!  This isolation is leading to bitterness and negativity.  A common complaint for a writer, I suppose, but one that is slowly and steadily making me less and less inclined to enjoy my fellow humans.

Well, I can't do anything about wanting to establish a (for lack of a more realistic term) soulmate.  If it's gonna happen, it will.  I have my doubts.  What I can do something about is feeling isolated in the midst of crowds.  I just have to meet these people and make them my friends!  Get to know them, their interests and cares!  Once I know a person, I can forgive all manner of faults and fallacies!

Simple right?  Not in one of the largest cities in North America.  It's too much.  I don't know where to start.  So I've decided to leave it to random chance.  I've started leaving little "calling-cards" inconspicuously around the city of Toronto.  I got the idea from a girl who gave me one of her own (for her tumblr blog ).  Mine are little folded pieces of paper, hand-written.  Each one has a peace sign and my eclipsed moon symbols, as well as some questions marks on it.  Folded inside is a random obscure quote, the words "Stryder's Dementia" and my twitter address (@StryderWolfe).  In this way I will reach out to the city in a tiny way.  If anyone finds one of these, I hope they check out the site and message me!  If they find and keep one to return to me, I'll buy them a drink!  Uh...19+ of course.  Come on, Toronto!  Prove to me that you are worth caring about!!!  Don't let me fall down a dark hole of my own imagining.  You can do it!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment