A few days ago I was (well, let's be honest), whining to a friend of mine about the lack of intimacy in my life and how lately I am starting to miss it. I'm not talking about sex here (although yes, also lacking and also missed, thank-you-very-much) but more about that state you get into in a relationship where you can pretty much do or say any stupid, inconsequential thing that passes through your brain without worrying about it and you hear every little thought your significant other has in her (or his) head. It's the time in a relationship, usually after you've been dating and living with each other for a while, where you can basically do anything you would do alone, but there's another person there too. As much as I've been happy alone I'm starting to miss that level of intimacy with another human being.
To me, this level of intimacy is really the ideal state of being, but also one which is so rare and impossible that I wonder if most people EVER experience it for real. I'm talking that John & Yoko level of inseparability in a relationship, where your names just seem to go together naturally. When people see one of you they automatically look for the other and are confused if you both aren't present.
Thinking about it, I'm not really sure if I've ever really experienced what I am describing here. I've certainly come very close at least once. I've also failed miserably at it on a few occasions, despite the forced closeness of shared living arrangements and whatnot. It makes me wonder if the sort of relationship I want even truly exists in real life, or if it's just a myth perpetuated by media and popular culture. Perhaps I've had to sit through too many rom-coms in my day and I'm just buying into crap. I guess in my experience all I can say for sure is that the level of intimacy I want in my life can possibly exist, but is unsustainable over long periods of time. Of course, this means that it isn't truly that level at all, so perhaps it doesn't actually exist.
Anyway, I've been very happy being single and solitary and haven't made a single serious attempt to change that situation in well over a year now. I also have no plans to change that behaviour in the near future. I AM, however, starting to be concerned that I've lost faith in the possibility of EVER changing this situation. I don't even know if that's a bad thing, but it does feel a little like another step down cynical lane. One more brick in the metaphorical wall. I honestly don't care too much about that, either, but since I've been trying so hard to be more self-analytical and aware of my own feelings on a larger scale, I thought I better address it. So what have I decided?
At the end of the day I have stopped believing in the idea that I will ever be able to sustain a relationship with the level of intimacy that I desire and I am also unwilling to settle for anything less. A while back I got indignant when a friend implied that I'd still be single a year from now. However thinking about it now, he was probably right. Well, I'm okay with that. I've come close to what I want once or twice and that's more chances than most people get. I have to assume that the fault lies with me. I am likely too strange and intolerable for any sort of sustainable relationship of ANY quality. Although I guess I hope I am wrong. Maybe I've just yet to meet the right girl. All I can say is, if that IS the case than she better hurry up. No one's getting any younger 'round here.
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