Ideology?

I feel as though I am in an unfortunate position in life in that I am smart enough to see that the way that we live as a species from day to day and conduct our affairs, the way that we treat each other and ourselves is foolish and wrong.  However, I'm not smart or powerful enough to change or even make a large number of people aware of this condition.  Not that I suspect that awareness is a major concern.  I think that each of us who have well-meaning souls and hearts that care also have eyes to see and know deep down that much of what we do and believe is wrong.  However, most of us on this planet have been living with this feeling of wrongness for our whole lives.  We are unable to envision a different way of life or incapable of enacting an alternative even if we are clever or lucky enough to imagine a viable one.  As the noose of our increasingly global culture of consumerism and tech-worship grows ever tighter, we are losing some essential element of humanity.  A sense of wonder or connection to divinity or sense of...I don't know what.  Just that something is missing from nearly everyone's life, most people are well aware of it but no-one wants to discuss it or even acknowledge it and that no-one really knows what to do about it. 

We need a new hero, someone much smarter than I, to show us how to take another step in the right direction towards balance and enlightenment.  Or we need thousands, even millions of people just like me who are willing to all acknowledge the problem and work together to break the old, tired ways and find the next step together.  At some point in my life, years ago, I stopped believing in the future.  I stopped really believing that the future existed or that it was a place I would want to see.  I gave up on the future and lost all hope for humanity.  I lost that hope and I think that in many ways my life has suffered for it.  Now I'm hoping to hope again.  This age of humanity is all but over.  I want to hope for the new age!  Break down walls and obliterate ancient and cruel beliefs.  Have new ideas.  Find and embrace new truths.  Start trying to evolve into what's to come!  We must do this or die.  It is our choice.  Our hope.  Our lives and our world to save if we can!  The future begins now if we want it, and really, what have we got to lose?

Welcome to the Post-Intimate World

A few days ago I was (well, let's be honest), whining to a friend of mine about the lack of intimacy in my life and how lately I am starting to miss it.  I'm not talking about sex here (although yes, also lacking and also missed, thank-you-very-much) but more about that state you get into in a relationship where you can pretty much do or say any stupid, inconsequential thing that passes through your brain without worrying about it and you hear every little thought your significant other has in her (or his) head.  It's the time in a relationship, usually after you've been dating and living with each other for a while, where you can basically do anything you would do alone, but there's another person there too.  As much as I've been happy alone I'm starting to miss that level of intimacy with another human being.

To me, this level of intimacy is really the ideal state of being, but also one which is so rare and impossible that I wonder if most people EVER experience it for real.  I'm talking that John & Yoko level of inseparability in a relationship, where your names just seem to go together naturally.  When people see one of you they automatically look for the other and are confused if you both aren't present. 

Thinking about it, I'm not really sure if I've ever really experienced what I am describing here.  I've certainly come very close at least once.  I've also failed miserably at it on a few occasions, despite the forced closeness of shared living arrangements and whatnot.  It makes me wonder if the sort of relationship I want even truly exists in real life, or if it's just a myth perpetuated by media and popular culture.  Perhaps I've had to sit through too many rom-coms in my day and I'm just buying into crap.  I guess in my experience all I can say for sure is that the level of intimacy I want in my life can possibly exist, but is unsustainable over long periods of time.  Of course, this means that it isn't truly that level at all, so perhaps it doesn't actually exist.

Anyway, I've been very happy being single and solitary and haven't made a single serious attempt to change that situation in well over a year now.  I also have no plans to change that behaviour in the near future.  I AM, however,  starting to be concerned that I've lost faith in the possibility of EVER changing this situation.  I don't even know if that's a bad thing, but it does feel a little like another step down cynical lane.  One more brick in the metaphorical wall.  I honestly don't care too much about that, either, but since I've been trying so hard to be more self-analytical and aware of my own feelings on a larger scale, I thought I better address it.  So what have I decided?

At the end of the day I have stopped believing in the idea that I will ever be able to sustain a relationship with the level of intimacy that I desire and I am also unwilling to settle for anything less. A while back I got indignant when a friend implied that I'd still be single a year from now.  However thinking about it now, he was probably right.  Well, I'm okay with that.  I've come close to what I want once or twice and that's more chances than most people get.  I have to assume that the fault lies with me.  I am likely too strange and intolerable for any sort of sustainable relationship of ANY quality.  Although I guess I hope I am wrong.  Maybe I've just yet to meet the right girl.  All I can say is, if that IS the case than she better hurry up.  No one's getting any younger 'round here.

Now in HD! Tell your friends and neighbours...

Well it's been kind of a nothing week and this'll be kind of a nothing post.  The week seemed to pretty much just fly by, with me getting used to my schedule and trying desperately not to think too hard about smoking.  I've gone 11 days so far!  Nowadays I don't have the constant desire to smoke but when I DO get a craving, it's much stronger.  Fortunately such moments pass quickly.

Oh in case you haven't seen it yet, check out my thoughts about epic Kevin Smith film RED STATE over at Fruitless Pursuits.  I almost posted the review here since it's more serious than what I'd usually post on that web site but I figured I'd split the difference.  It's more topical for over there but has those religious and psychological implications I'd prefer to discuss here.  I guess I could have double posted but whatever.

In other news, I went ahead and bought that Blu-Ray player I was talking about.  I got the Counting Crows disc as well, although I had to wait a few days to find it.  Great disc.  I've watched the concert twice now, and the sound and video quality are superb.  Next best thing to being there!  If you're a fan, I definitely recommend it.

I also purchased the following Blu-Ray's as there was a big sale on when I went to get my player.  What do you suppose these titles say about me?

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Serenity
Memento
The Big Lebowski
Shaun of the Dead
Across the Universe

Three of these movies I previously owned on DVD and still couldn't refuse!  Oh and be careful watching the Big Lebowski.  It may inspire you to drink White Russians, which although tasty contain a LOT of booze and may leave you very unexpectedly hungover the next day.  I'm just sayin'.

Oh and of course, today is the day that Star Wars - The Complete Saga is released!  You may wonder why I am still sitting here typing this blog when I could be on my way to the store?  That is an excelllent point.  See you next week!

Smoking Cessation - Day 3.

Thurs 9:40 am.  Welcome to day 3 of quitting smoking!  The last day I'm going to blog about, thank goodness!  So far, I've successfully managed 2 days without a cigarette and am fully intent on continuing this trend.  Things are all right.  I slept okay last night and woke up in a decent mood this morning.  I am not absolutely dying to smoke, although I do have a tension headache all ready.  Still, I suspect that today will be better than yesterday, as yesterday was better than the day before.  Today I have actual stuff to do as well, so perhaps it will help to have something else to focus on.  I`m off to the chiropractor and then the comic books store!

Thurs 10:31 am.  OK so I haven`t left for the chiro yet or anything.  My appointment isn`t until 11:30.  I just had a shower and stuff and it took FORevER.  I am still feeling slow and slightly incompetent today.  Again, MUCH better than yesterday though.  I was mad too cause I weighed myself and I`ve gained like, 7 pounds over the last few days.  Blech.  Oh well it`ll go away when I`m back on a routine next week.  However in honour of feeling fat now, I will walk to the chiro and then comic book store instead of driving like a sucker!  Take that!

Thurs 1:55 pm.  Ok well that was a long walk!  Three and a half hours later I`m back from the chiro and comic book store, very successfully I may add.  Picked up Frank Miller's "The Dark Knight Strikes Again" as well as a few of the new DC relaunch titles, which I doubt will be as good as Miller's work.  Haven't been dying for a smoke the whole time, unlike yesterday....I have cravings about once every 10 or 15 minutes that just cross my mind and then wander out again.  Not nearly as hard to focus on other things today. Hey, I'm actually motivated to do stuff!  So that's good.  This whole quitting thing isn't so impossible after all.  At least so far....

Thurs 4:34 pm.  Just won game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals.  Leafs vs Flames.  Still playing NHL 10.  Think I'll switch to Lego Batman next.  Who needs cigarettes when Xbox exists?

Fri 12:16 am.  I see I have forgotten all about this blog.  Oh well I'll post now.  Didn't smoke yet!  Have a good night...

Smoking Cessation - Day 2

Wed - 9:52 am.  Good day and welcome to day 2 of quitting smoking.  Day one, of course, can be found here.  So far day two is going rather well.  I've been up for about an hour.  I slept in a LOT cause why not.  At this stage, ever hour counts.  I'm still jonesing for a cigarette pretty badly but don't feel like utter crap or anything.  More than anything I'm just a little dizzy and easily distracted.  Also feel short of breath all the time.  Odd, as you'd think it would be the opposite and that not inhaling smoke would help me breath more easily.  Anyhow, we'll see how it goes throughout the day.

Wed - 11:55 am.  Well in about 5 minutes I'll be half-way through my 3 days.  3 days is important to quitting smoking because that is how long it takes for the actual physical withdrawal symptoms to run their course (on average of course).  Psychological addiction  may NEVER fully abate, but does tone down.  However the actual physical symptoms are what make the initial 3 days something of a living hell.  Although right at the moment I can't complain too much.  I may be suffering somewhat, but no one's came over to put a hot red poker in my eye or anything.  I think I'll live, is what I'm getting at.  My main problem right at the moment is severe lack of focus.  Laundry has become a massive chore as I just stare at things willing my brain to remember what I was supposed to be doing with them.  (You know, detergent, laundry room key.  Not rocket science!)  Ah well, half-way is here.  I am fairly confident now that I'll make it straight through. 

Wed - 12:55 pm.  Laundry is taking forever and I just had to re-write two reviews for Fruitless Pursuits that were randomly deleted the first time.  Stupid Yahoo.  Actually it's my own fault since I've left the window open all morning and kept coming back to it time and again instead of just sitting and doing it all at once like a normal person.  Lack of nicotine = lack of focus!!!  Maybe I need some Ritalin to see me through!

Wed 4:13 pm.  Still so far so good.  Lazy and uninspired day but at least I'm not smoking.  Not suffering too much either although I feel like I could manage my time a little better.  Got some serious couch-lock going on.  Oh well what can ya do.

Wed 6:17 pm.  Well once again I've come to the end of another day without smoking.  I don't know how much more there is to say about it than I already have.  Hopefully tomorrow will be nicer.  Today felt like a big unmotivated waste.  I guess long-term it's worthwhile.  Gotta keep the big picture in view.  See you tomorrow!

Smoking Cessation - Day 1.

Tues - 11:26 am.  So far it's been about 12 hours since I last had a cigarette.  I figure I'll blog the first 3 days since they're the hardest.  I'll just keep quick notes such as this throughout the day and then post it in the evening sometime or tomorrow morning at latest.  So far, so good.  Went through my morning and to the grocery store without losing my mind or harming any innocent pedestrians.  I consider this a success.  Now to distract myself for the remainder of the day...

Tues - 12:58 pm.  Geesh it sucks not smoking after lunch.  You get this hollow feeling in the middle of your brain and a pain right between the shoulder blades.  Also a stiff neck.  Oh well, it passes after a bit if you ignore it long enough.  Scott Pilgrim on Blu-Ray with pop-up video-like feature turned on is my major distraction so far. 

Tues - 2:52 pm.  I am suddenly very aware of my teeth, as if I have too many for the inside of my mouth.  I realize that I've been clenching them for several hours now.  Oops!  Otherwise not too bad.

Tues -  4:32 pm.  Right after I posted the above I got an e-mail from Brain telling me that the HMV downtown has the Counting Crows Blu-ray that I am looking for in stock.  Naturally I went down to pick it up.  It was a great distraction but now that I'm home I want to smoke more than ever.  All that doing stuff had about a million "good time to smoke now" cues.  Luckily I've managed to resist although it feels like someone's hand is inside my skull crushing my brains like so much used up play-doh.

Tues - 6:36 pm.  Still hanging in there.  Watching Counting Crows.  Ate dinner, which may have been a mistake since now I want to smoke more than ever.  However I know it will pass.  In any case I'm tired of updating this for the day so we'll see if I held out all night tomorrow!

August and Everything After...

Hey September 1st!  Happy Birthday to my buddy Brian, pictured here with an Artoo unit, who's making me feel less old by joining me in being 34 today!

34.  It seems sort of officially adult doesn't it?  Well, it's been a good year for me.  One of self-examination and, I feel, enlightenment.  Some may say self-absorption.  It's all good.  

So this is the first blog I've done in a while with absolutely NO game plan. I thought I'd do an old-style stream of consciousness blog for once, instead of a more thought-out essay as has been my style of late.  Hey, why not, right?

So today marks my last week of work before another week's vacation.  Kind of bummed that I have nothing to do over Labour day...the traditional "go up north or go down south" plans have all fallen through.  I was of course initially planning on visiting NYC for the first time but instead I gave all my money to pay more of my debts off.  I feel like I spent too much money all ready this year and I should do something more responsible than fun.

Which isn't to say that it's all boring.  I am super excited because I found out that my favourite band, Counting Crows, released a blu-ray concert of them performing their entire first album, "August and Everything After".  Appropriately released in the last week of August!  So next week I plan to buy both a blu-ray player and this coveted disc.  Counting Crows became my favourite band on the strength of their awesome live recordings rather than their studio albums, and this seems like the live recording to end all live recordings.  I don't know what else I need on blu-ray but I am somewhat addicted to HD format since buying my new TV back in May and this release finally gives me a chance for my final upgrade.  You know, at least till I decide 5.1 sound isn't enough and go for 6.1....

Oh the above pic is from this year`s Fan Expo, which we attended last weekend!  It was fun.  I posted pics and thoughts over at Fruitless Pursuits so check them out here if you haven`t yet!  I suspect that next week I'll also have a review of the aforementioned blu-ray disc to post as well.

So I am re-reading the novel "Microserfs" by Douglas Coupland.  I didn't buy enough books last time I was at the book store so I'm stuck on re-runs.  This one is very entertaining though.  It's interesting reading a book with so much tech/computer content that was published in 1995.  Nostalgia!  I should have taken the book's advice and bought Apple stocks back then, but oh yeah...I had no money.  Oh well.  Anyway here's an interesting quote relating to a theme I've had on my mind this whole year.  Guess it's been in my subconscious for 15 years or more...

"I realized that I envied Karla's way of just talking about whatever was on her mind.  She's fearless, exploring her theories and neuroses with the conviction that self-knowledge will bring the solutions.  The more I notice this, the more I admire this."

HEY!  That's just what I'm trying to do here!  Sweet.

Actually "Microserfs" has several quote-worthy passages and hidden gems of wisdom that must have stuck with me over the years.  It's a great book.  If you haven't read it give it a shot...one of the main reasons that Coupland's been about my favourite author ever since I first picked up "Generation X" all those years ago.   

Well for a post about nothing this one is getting long.  Any other must have blu-ray's people can recommend then let me know!  Happy September everybody!  One more weekend and it's the unofficial start of my favourite time of year!  Autumn, how I've missed you. 

Oh P.S. I've been cutting down on my smoking for the last month.  Next Tuesday is my quit day.  So for the next 2 or 3 weeks, if I come across as a complete and total jackass, please forgive me.  It'll be the lack of nicotine talking.  Assuming I succeed for long.  I'll keep you updated.  If cold turkey won't work next week, then it's off to the doctor for all the help modern medicine can provide.  Wish me luck!