Gauze.

Pain.

I know pain.  I've been through it all before.  I've been cut, bruised, broken and beaten.  I've had my bones broken.  I've torn my flesh in a thousand places.  I've felt chunks of my body ripped away with dirty pieces of broken glass, with rusty nails and splintered wood, with barbed wire and shiny but dull blades.  I've had my shoulder, my knee, my hip, several ribs and the fingers on both hands dislocated, torn violently out of their sockets and shoved mercilessly back into place.  I've had my back sprained in violent collision and forced myself back into usefulness through years of excruciating physiotherapy.  I've damaged the interior, cushioning bits in many of my joints, so that I can feel the bones scrape together when I move...the stabbing pain that accompanies my every breath.  I've torn the fabric of my lungs and been left struggling to breathe as they began to fill with my blood.  I've been burned by dozens of cigarettes, by fires and boiling liquid...I've been immersed in ice water and rushed to the hospital as my skin began to blister and redden.  I've fractured my skull and battered my brain over and over again.  I've tattooed myself and sat out in the sun for days, watching my skin take on a sick but cheerful glow.  I've been beaten and put down by the fists of someone I loved.  I've awoken on the side of the road with a limp and a bloody lip and several cuts and bruises and no idea of how I got there.  I've fallen from the tops of many, many high places.  I've picked embedded rocks and gravel from too much of my soft pink flesh. Blood like streams pouring off of my body, pooling in my shoes to make a soft squishing noise with every step I take.

I know something about pain.  I cannot recall the last time that my body did not hurt.

And none of that, not one bit, has ever hurt me as much, has ever caused me as much pain as a woman...

I sometimes feel (these days) as though I'm living my life wrapped in gauze.  As if I'm so emotionally detached and unavailable that nothing really touches me any more.  I can practically see the cool white view through my soft cottony bliss.  The calming light, the chance to rest. 

Is it any wonder I'd wish to protect myself as the days tick by into years?  Of course not.  All that amazes me is that lately I can feel the gauze begin to unravel.  Like a lady caught in the Twilight Zone, doctors are pondering my rate of healing, doctors are unwinding my soft gauzy cocoon.  What will be underneath?  A monster?  A human?  A beautiful creature in a terrible world?

The gauze grows thin and the light grows brighter.  Of course it will take time.  Lots and lots of time.  I'm well insulated.  Bright red spots stain the snowy white.  Time.

Gauze.

One Week in October.

I love October.  Those that follow my comic book musings over at Fruitless Pursuits will already know that I've been lucky enough to have this week off work.  Today's my last day of freedom...back to work tomorrow!  Anyway, in lieu of a proper blog for the week, here's some random pics I've taken as I wandered about Ontario.  Enjoy!

 

The Medium and the Music....

 

So the other day I was randomly thinking about all of the different formats I've listened to music on over the years.  I don't really have a favourite, but each one offers something a little different than the others.  I hope that progress doesn't completely homogenize and thus destroy that variety, although I am afraid it already has.  If so, that's too bad, as I think the options are too valuable in some way to just give up.  In that spirit, here are a few thoughts on each format:

The Record Album:
 I like records.  Records are full of joy and whimsy and are highly visually entertaining.  They also remind me of my childhood which can be nice.  I also like the large format Album artwork and the addition of "record noise"...the pops and hisses and strange resonances that come along with records.

The 8-Track:
 8-Tracks fall into that weird groove of time where I am familiar with them but when I was too young to really know what they were...I don't have much to say about them except that they seem mysterious to me, and possibly a little dangerous.  In that "don't get into that guy's van no matter HOW much candy he offers you" sort of way.  My main experience with them was during a 3 day road trip in my dad's old car, so I also always feel a sense of transition associated with the format.  Which is, I suppose, quite appropriate...
 
The Cassette Tape:
 Cassettes have real character.  Much more durable and easier to transport than records, but still occasionally finicky.  You sometimes need to know just how to treat them to make them shine.  Who hasn't had to hand-spool a cassette to stop it from sticking and/or playing slow?  And of course there is the ever-popular huge spool of unraveled tape that you have to somehow get back into that little plastic case!  Got a pencil?  BIC pens work wonders, too.  I think all that unspooled tape is very pretty glinting in long ribbons on the side of the road on a hot summer day.  Of course the sound quality isn't exactly the best, but hey!  It could be worse! And then there are Micro-Cassettes.  Sometimes they're just tiny, you know...because!  Also the cassette gets preferential treatment for inspiring my favourite Transformer, Soundwave!  Where would the Decepticon army be without their own micro-cassette playing ally?

The Compact Disc:
  Compact Discs are beautiful!  Shiny and modern and wondrous.  How many people had one hung from the rear-view mirror of their cars at one point?  Or used them in an art project?  I remember just staring at the first one I ever bought (Guns N' Roses - Appetite For Destruction).  I didn't even own a CD player yet...I just bought the CD...they were that seductive!  This is the main format of my teens and twenties and probably the one that I'm the most attached to.  Each Compact Disc was like some shiny magic treasure of possibility!  Music made solid, like a thought frozen in time.  Beautiful and clean.

The Digital Format:
 And finally we get to all the 1's and 0's.  MP3's are...well...I sure can carry a lot of them in my pocket!  I really enjoy being able to shuffle every song I've ever heard on iTunes just to see what happens.  Having digital music is infinitely practical and useful.  It's great being able to carry so much music in a tiny magic rectangle in my pocket...it literally makes me feel special somehow.  Still, I have to ask...where's the fun??  The whimsy?  The digital format is certainly the most dull, boring way to present and listen to music, even if is is the most practical.  Perhaps that is okay, though, as finally the focus is fully on what you are hearing, rather than the medium through which it is delivered.  Despite it being the least interesting musical delivery system, I must admit it is the one that I am using right now!  Progress!  Right?  Maybe?

I don't know.  I just hope that no format ever "wins" to the point that the others become unavailable.  I'm "Pro-Options"! 

75% Completion.

Another October arrives and we find ourselves once more three-quarters of the way through the year 2013!  Preposterous you say?  I'd tend to agree, but it's right there on the Calendar in black and white...

Although it's become sort of cliched at this point, I'm gonna once more look at the goals I set out at the beginning of the year and see how far I've come.  If at all.  Hopefully!

1.  Have a minimum of $5000.00 in a separate savings account by the end of the year.

Oh well, I have the cash but still haven't been to the bank to set up a separate savings account or any of that.  I just hate going to the bank so much...and at the end of the day it doesn't matter as much to me as it maybe should.  In any case, I'm quite proud to have more money to my name right now than I've ever had in my life!  I'm somewhat ashamed at just how low that amount is, though...baby steps!

2.  Maintain a healthy lifestyle!  

I still exercise at least 3 times a week and try to walk and be active in general...I think my diet is pretty healthy and I've maintained my weight between 160-170 lbs pretty much for the whole year.  Of course at this time last year I was only 150lbs, but I have actual muscles now.  I am actually sort of torn because I want to weigh less and be more muscular at the same time, and I think that those two things are mutually exclusive.  I also find that since my diet generally is pretty regulated, when I cheat for just a day or two my weight jumps up 5-10 pounds for a few days, before dropping back to previous levels.  I don't know what's up with that...

I also keep putting off going to see the various healthcare practitioners that I ought to be seeing.  I've been procrastinating but I'm running out of time...will I make it before year end?  Stay tuned!

3.  Try a few "new" interests.

Since Springtime arrived, pretty much all of the free time I've had has been spent trying to make my way up North!  The cottage isn't exactly a "new" interest, but it's one that I've been without for a long time.  This year, and to a lesser extent last year, have been the first in ages that I've been able to get out of the city on a pretty regular basis, so I'm gonna count it!  Now that cottage season is winding down (gonna close the place up the week of Thanksgiving) I'll have more time for other things...but what?  We shall see!

4.  Start trying to put more of my writing energies into a "big picture" project.

Lots of concepts and ideas and back-story and planning and not a lot of actually committing anything to paper.  I feel like I'm close to something pretty interesting but like a timid swimmer, I'd rather just get my toes wet right now...can't seem to bring myself to just dive in!  I wonder why that is...probably all of the laziness.  Yeah....

5.  Be flexible and don't be afraid to experiment.

While I have been pretty experimental in a lot of ways this year, I don't know if I can say that I've been flexible.  Then again, I suppose it all depends on one's viewpoint.  I've been far more reclusive this year than in the last several, which has caused me to be far more flexible in my thoughts and activities when I'm by myself, but probably a little more obstinate and difficult to deal with socially.  Since I'm not particularly social at this time and have become more interested in pleasing myself than any other people (for once in my life), this doesn't particularly bother me.  It's too vague of a requirement for this lost anyway.  Who wrote this list?

So that's all the points I have for the year 2013.  3 more months...if I do this again next year, I think I'm going to try to come up with more specific goals.  Maybe.  Who can say what the future may hold??   All I know for sure about what's soon to be is that the Leafs home-opener is tonight!  That's about as far as I care to look ahead right now!