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There's nothing like dismantling my entire life to encourage me to re-examine my priorities. Nothing else seems to make me consider so thoughtfully just who I am and what I want to be. It's a strange and thoughtful feeling, but I think I've learned some things about myself. I became comfortable in my ever-changing body a long, long time ago. Now I feel that I'm finally becoming comfortable in my own mind. Unencumbered, I can finally realize just exactly who I am.
So have I changed due to this process? I don't think it's exactly a change. Rather, it's like stripping away layers of paint and guck and goo and finding what's been underneath all along. Perhaps it's beautiful and perhaps it's ugly. Perhaps it's a treasure and perhaps it's only trash. Whatever the case, it's mine and I will own it. I will be it. I will be who I am.
Some might consider me a butterfly in reverse....turning back into a caterpillar. That may be true, but if so, it is only to grow again...in a different way. Who says a caterpillar must turn into a butterfly? I want to be a Dragon, a Tiger, a Wolf or perhaps just a man.
I have found, though, that to fully realize myself I need other people along. To contrast, to compare, to interact and to learn with. A life fully realized yet lived alone is no life at all. Too much self-examination leads only to self-absorption. Too much consideration leads only to emptiness. So thank you, friends, for being with me and around me. I apologize if I seem distracted or confused. If I seem to be acting out of character, please forgive me. I am only learning to grow.
So now I will go and play my guitar and eat some chicken and live my life on this lazy Sunday and maybe one day I'll find the truth.
I am only who I can be. This is all I want.
Having read over my last post, dated at the beginning of the year, the first thing that pops into my head is "be careful what you wish for." However, that's not really right, as I wanted change and boy do I have it in spades. Honestly, I can't complain. The wait is almost over....
So what's new in 2008 so far?
A couple of things have changed....for one, I am no longer working the mind-numbingly boring crashgate job at TTC that had so depressed me throughout the winter months. Instead, they put me back on sick benefits to wait patiently for a subway operator training class to open up. While I am loathe to lose a little income due to my placement back on benefits, I can't say I miss working the gate. Hellish job. However, I'm not really set up to deal with too much free time either, so I wish they'd hurry up and put me into a training class. Apparently it'll happen sooner than later, and I will know more after a meeting on the 14th.
Of course this is a minor change compared to the big news. As of March 31st, I am officially no longer married. My wife has more or less moved out and we're going our separate ways, with a divorce pending before the end of the year. In some ways it is sad, but in others it is long overdue. I can admit to a sort of sweet melancholy about the situation, but I am hardly heart broken. Life moves on. I don't think that we were ever properly suited for each other and as much as I'll always care for her, most of my hindsight screams out "what were we thinking???"
I guess we were just too different. My dad said of me and my (ex) wife "When I looked at the two of you, it was like looking at the Lion and the Lamb." Apparently I am the lamb. However in this case I guess I was a little bit lion after all, since my actions finally brought about the end. Some people will probably be tempted to say "Wolf in Sheep's clothing" and that suits me too. I am whatever you say I am....
As the song says, "If it's all going to end then it might as well be my fault."
Well, of course due to this momentous change, I'll also be moving into my own apartment come June so that's another big step....new place to live, new job and single. Not a bad start for only 1/4 of 2008. It's a brave new world....now let's make the most of it.
