Ok so I feel like I need to express myself tonight but as I sit here with burning chlorine eyes and a brain full of idea fragments and whiskey, I just can't seem to articulate what I wish to say. What is my brain trying to tell me? Why do I feel this uneasy need to communicate with the outside world and yet have no clear idea of what I wish to say? It's the story of my life. Too many ideas is just as bad as none at all.
One more cigarette later and maybe I can communicate.
Brain (that's my friend and the drummer of my band-that-was) left a little while ago, but not before we watched a freaky movie involving John Lennon's killer which sparked a discussion on the state of the world we live in. Turns out it's not going as well as we had hoped.
Before Brian arrived my ex-nephew and current friend Michael was here, and we discussed how people do whatever they want, whatever their gut instincts say they should do, and only come up with rationalizations and excuses to justify their actions after the fact.
Are these two conversations related? I think they may be. I am certainly guilty if that is so.
So the world is going to hell and perhaps I am responsible due to my nature. Perhaps we are all responsible due to human nature. In this case, it may have been inevitable. Having seen the problem, what do we do about it? My guess is that we do nothing. Sit back and enjoy the ride. Like the song says, "it's a mad mad world."
Is this what I needed to say? I don't think so. I think my only real problem tonight is that I want.
What do I want?
I want.....
....someone to understand me for me.
I want....
....someone to acknowledge that I am a strange, strange man, without judging this condition.
I want....
....someone to love me, not despite my oddities or behaviour, but because of them.
I want....
....someone to finally know me, to know everything I am. Know why I can dance through the living room singing a happy song one minute and be exhausted and depressed the next.
I want....
I want....
I want.....
....to never be lonely. But sometimes that's just as fucked up as you can be.
I sound selfish tonight. Maybe I am. I guess we all are sometimes. I guess I just feel alone tonight.
Someday someone will know me. Someday I'll know myself. I will believe.
