Casual Christmas...

Well, Christmas is just a couple of days away and I have almost nothing to say about it!  Work has been playing the "let's see how early we can make Mike get up" game so I haven't had my eyes open wide enough to write any rough notes for a blog this week and yet suddenly I find myself with a deadline!  What's a geek to do?

It's ironic because I already know the next two week's worth of blogs.  Next week of course will be my "year end wrap up" and the week after that can start it all over again in 2012 with a whole new list of goals and ideas to keep forging my world.  Sadly, that's all in the future.  What CAN I talk about this week???

Anyway, then it finally came to me.  I don't really NEED to say much about anything this week.  It's Christmas week, everyone's sort of calling stuff in and the year's winding down.  Today's the Winter Solstice and we've got 3 months now to watch the world doze...what more can really be said?

Oh I know....

Merry Christmas everybody!  Or you know, happy whatever you celebrate...it's all the same to me.  Just take it easy for all us sinners out here...

Change

 So this past Friday I cut my hair.  Not a little trim or a mildly shorter cut, but a massive, crazily image-changing hair cut.  Shaved, too.  My hairstyle went from Jesus to Clark Kent in one afternoon!

Some like it, others not so much.  I like it, although I liked the way I looked before too.  In either case it'll definitely take some time getting used to.  What everyone wants to know is why?  What made me decide to make such a drastic change??

To answer that question one simply needs to think over the last year in my life.  2011 has been my year for change!  This year I've examined my life from all sorts of angles...the things I do, the people I associate with, the habits I keep....and simply asked myself over and over again "Why?"

Why do I do the things I do?  Is it beneficial to me?  If it is shall I do it some more?  If it is NOT, why don't I just cut it out?  Do I enjoy doing it?

In this simple way,  I've managed to re-invent my lifestyle, at least to some extent.  To become a happier and more well-adjusted person.  More productive and less self-destructive!  Even when my plans and feelings get thrown for a loop, as they were this past November, I have managed to hold on to what I've learned this past year and deal with things in a healthy, normal way until the situation gets back on track somewhat.  Sure, I still get depressed and of course I'll always be a strange, strange man to some.  There are many things that will NEVER change.  However, I've accomplished enough positive things that I feel that I've gained a level in personal growth or something.  Must be all those experience points I've been racking up!

Anyway, I'm entering my 35h year in a few weeks, a happier and better man than I was at this time last year.  Perhaps than I have ever been.  And so I though that an outward symbol of all this interior house-cleaning was needed. 

And so, I present - The Haircut:

Everyone has things in their life that upset them and make them sad.  Think about yours for a minute.  You have the power, right now, today, to change it for the better.  We all have the power to make change in our own lives!!  Results don't appear overnight but keep at it and you will find that things can and will get better.  It's all up to you! Beefcake!  BEEFCAAAAKKEE!!!

Want, want, want...

If you live in the 21st century, you may have noticed that everyone has an agenda.  Everybody who can be bothered talking to you wants something from you, whether they know it or not.  Mostly these things are simple...directions, product inquiries, general, likely "work-related" things.  You certainly want these same things from others!  It's all good.  However, come Christmastime, the people that want stuff from you seem to multiply.  The usual demands one experiences are still there, but then there's always a huge rush of holiday people who want things as well.  Not just consumers, either!  Friends, family, people on the street, they all want at least your attention (and probably also your money) for longer than usual.  Then of course there are the businesses.  Every one striving oh-so hard to get you to come inside and give them all your cash.  Each one like a vampire sucking away your time and earnings for whatever must-have garbage is available right now.  If you fail to co-operate you get labelled "Scrooge" or worse (let's say probably worse these days, but I'll keep it polite here). 

Anyway, again, it's no big deal.  I don't begrudge these things at all, normally.  It's the human condition and "everyone" includes you and I, so who are we to judge?  We all want things from our fellow man, whether they be material, ethereal or otherwise (IS there an otherwise?).  Likewise we all have things to give!  I guess (and I realize I run the risk of sounding selfish and whiny.  A risk I run every week while writing, I suppose) lately I just feel like people are far more focused on what they can get than what they can give.  I generally feel, particularly at this time of year, as though everyone demands something from me but very few step back and wonder what I need or what they could do for me.  Not that I want or need very much of anything at all.  I just wonder if maybe we've all gotten a little too selfish lately? 

Actually, it's probably just me.  I'm not Christmas-y enough this year.  I am usually happy to give anything and enjoy being needed or useful or generous.  This year I just feel tapped out.  Not financially, but with my energy levels and my general ability to care.  It's like I cared too much for a while and now I've burnt out the circuitry that gives a crap.  All the normal, usual demands that people make on my time feel strangely like impositions, all the stuff that I'd normally be happy to do seems like a huge lot of work and effort for little gain.  Just answering a phone call seems like too much work suddenly.  I don't know.  I guess maybe I just need some time to recharge.  There are more demands than usual on me currently and there is less time to recover every day than I am used to.  These things take a toll. 

Well, I'll just have to buck up, I guess.  There is light at the end of the tunnel!  Christmas only comes once a year.  Is it strange that my first thought when I hear that is "Thank God!"?

Telepathy and A Nice Bottle of Wine...

Every once in a while I post something here that seems to really resonate with people.  Last week was one of those posts.  I got a ton of feedback.  It's nice, you know.  Reminds me that I'm not as alone as I'd sometimes like to believe.  There are people in the world who understand all too well exactly what I'm going through and empathize in ways I'll probably never even know about, much less fully understand.

It makes me wonder just how much we really know about the people around us.  Even our closest friends and lovers must just be a treasure trove of, not secret, but unshared thoughts.  I know I am.  Some people know how to be super-zen and turn off their minds for a while - zone out if you will.  Not me.  My mind is constantly going from the moment my eyes pop open in the morning to the moment I have that little death of a system crash every night...I can't stop it, no matter how hard I try.  To write, I don't even have to think about anything in particular, I just have to listen to what's already playing in my brain and try to type it as fast as I can think it. 

Anyway, all this is to say that despite me writing things down nearly constantly and sharing my thoughts and feelings with whoever happens to be in the room with me as well, I still only really share about 0.5% of all the stuff that goes through my mind in a day (percentage completely arbitrary and made up on the spot).  I suspect that most people are like that.  Really it makes me wonder, just how much can anyone really know anyone else?  However it is comforting in that you know if everyone is similar to this than there are lots of people who probably think the same as you and you just never knew.  I happen to know it's true because, like I say, every once in a while I post something that resonates.....

So the relationship I was most jealous of as a teenager, and one that I still miss today, was the relationship between Scott "Cyclops" Summers and Jean "Phoenix" Grey of the X-Men.  Not because of the individuals (I've always disliked Scott and thought Jean should be with Logan!) but because due to Jean's telepathy, these two shared a mental bond that allowed each full access to the others thoughts and feelings.  I suppose a Vulcan relationship would be the same - I've always been fascinated with the mind-meld.  I would prefer a little more passion in my relationships though...I'm all too human.  Just imagine, being with another person who could never misunderstand you, who would know you as they knew themselves, who would FEEL what you feel and would STILL want to be around you!  Seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it?  Maybe that's just me.  Still, it's what my ideal relationship would be like and what I try to emulate in the real world by being as open an honest and trusting as I possibly can with the ones I love, despite my sometimes jaded and cynical nature.  Of course, so far relationship-wise this has only resulted in me being used, abused, lied to, cheated on and then left, broken hearted to laugh at myself and the idiocy of it all.  Strangely, I still believe in the idea though.  If you can't give as much of yourself as is possible to a relationship, why bother having it at all? 

Perhaps this explains why I am still single.  I'm waiting for someone "mind-meld" trustworthy.  I had lost hope that it was possible, but hey....turns out a lot more people identify with me than I suspected.  I may have to conclude that if that is true, than anything truly IS possible.

Oh hey, PS - It's snowing in Toronto as I write this!  First time!!!  As the Starks are wont to say, Winter is Coming!