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Feel the need to cut off all my dead parts
dead nails
...............dead skin
dead hair
...............dead heart
to grow all new parts just for you
and be the man I wanted to
Need something bad to say about you
to make me feel I'm good enough too
something I can pick apart
so I won't have to grow a new heart
pretty girl still lies in my bed
crazy thoughts still run through my head
"I think I'm dumb or maybe just happy"
Now I understand what he said
Commitment to a greater cause
ignore their foolish natural laws
fight them 'till we fall apart
or glue together shattered hearts
a happy cancer to feast on
a growing gift to dwell upon
I'll be whatever I need to
I'll wear a mask so I'll keep you
but you don't ask it
happy love
you don't need change to rise above
you'll just see through
my quick disguise
and know me when I try to hide
So what can I conspire to do
except perhaps to tell it true
and live the way I wanted to
and hope that it's enough for you
I never thought I might be good enough for you
laughing mobster
steal my breath
happy monster
chew my death
lick the blood
off of my heart
shiny monster
never part
do anything so I can think I'm good enough for you.
So June is here....Today I wore a sweater and a jacket and the wind coming in felt more like October. What's up with that?
Anyway, I don't have much to say today, but I feel bad that I only completed 50% of my target blogs for the month of May and thus I better get June off to a better start! Unfortunately, I really have little idea of what to talk about right now.
Well, how about some quotes from the month of May....try and figure out who said what. If I paraphrase, well....too bad....
"My day was....ultimately...lazy!"
"Index finger, middle finger, ring finger, pinkie finger....Index finger, middle finger...what? Shhhh....shutup!!! ring finger, middle finger...."
"Thanks tips!"
"You gotta watch Religulous...and take notes!"
"I knew you were watching Dogma as soon as I came in because I saw Alan Rickman's fake crotch"
Okay enough of that....I actually had considered talking about religion, having watched both Dogma and Religulous in the last month, and perhaps I still will, but I just don't have the energy right now. I spent most of the evening clearing out my bedroom and living room because they're spraying my apartment for bed bugs tomorrow. I was kind of suprised. I always thought bed bugs were just things made up for fantasy novels, or perhaps that they used to exist in olden times but have long since been extinct. Well, apparently not. Ain't life grand?
Oh well, all in all it's been a good month. Although good months leave me little to talk about it would seem! Perhaps I can find a happy medium for June....
Oh that reminds me....Why did 3 of the 4 summer movies I wanted to see come out in May? I saw them all....Wolverine, Star Trek and Terminator: Salvation. Star Trek was by far the best, which is shocking as it was the one I was least interested in. The others were cool too, though...I don't know why everyone was complaining about them. Anyway, the problem is that now I only really want to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen for the rest of the summer, and it isn't even super-hot-escape-to-the-theater weather yet! What's up with that? Is May the new July?
Okay, so I'm babbling. Whatever...I'll analyze something or write a weird poem or something next time. Maybe. Have a nice June!
Oh one final note...apparently it was 42 years ago today that Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band was released. Go listen to it right now!
So shockingly enough I've been doing a lot of thinking about my circumstances lately. I know, I know, that's so unlike me. Anyway, I've come to a few conclusions, the specifics of which I can't really get into right now. However, I will mention a few highlights.
1. I tend to overanalyze situations far too frequently. I mean we all know that I'm just going to go with my gut in the end, despite how crazy or self destructive that impulse is, so why all the wasted grey matter? Perhaps it's because I have too much time in a meditative state on the train. What else am I going to do with the ghost in the machine while my body goes through the motions of keeping the city mobile? In any case, putting some thought into my actions is certainly not a bad thing, but lately it's getting ridiculous...particularly since all that thought has little relation to my decisions or reactions. If anything, it only helps me to justify the action I was going to take anyway.
2. I'm at my best when I'm feeling just a little lost or troubled. I think I feed on my own complications far too voraciously. At some point I have to wonder if I subconsciously sabotage myself just so that I'll have more fodder for the creativity furnace. I feel more at peace when I'm dealing with drama and I write and just in general think better when I am writing or thinking about pain. It doesn't have to be my own either. I want to watch you bleed, too, even as I try my best to help you lick your wounds. My darkest or most melancholy thoughts always come to the surface when I'm writing, and this serves the dual purpose of both creating interest or conflict in my writing and purging me of those feelings. Once they are expressed, they are dealt with. I think. Although not always...some feelings need to be expressed over and over and over and over. Some will never ever be dealt with. What can ya do?
Curiously, the misery that was the last bit of my marriage did not produce these same results. That was more of a numbing experience than anything else. I wonder what's up with that?
3. I don't really know what I want. I think I do, but I don't. Nearly every time I decide I want something all of the sudden other possibilities come into play that make me reconsider. Then it becomes a decision between chasing this new dragon or sticking with the old one. At least I rarely regret my decisions once made. It just strikes me as odd...so often I go from a drought to a downpour with so little in between. The fluidity of this desert life. Inconsistency of thought and emotion...it's a mad world, and I rule it with an iron heart. Actually, I don't. Rereading the above, I have to say that often the choice is no choice at all. My actions are dictated beforehand, not by fate or destiny, but simply because being who I am, I have no other option than to choose one path over the other. Birds must sing, brides must cry, clowns must drink too much, and I have to do what I have to do. It's hard to explain this without going into examples that I'd rather not examine, but basically my personality, my "self", dictates my behaviour despite my own sometimes-better instincts.
4. There are some relationships that I thought were dealt with and clearly defined and that I now know are not. I won't get into specifics here but it is interesting. Actually, now that I consider it further, how can any relationship or even simple interaction with any other human being EVER be clearly defined? We're all flitting from idea to idea and feeling to feeling like flies on a bloated body. Put two people in the same room and you have near infinite potential. Wars, religions, mass suicides and surprise birthday parties may all be planned. Add a third person and you may cause Armageddon. Or you may have a few drinks and watch Star Wars for the 473 time. Certainly seems more likely. However, the possibility of anything happening is right there in that room. That's probably why our so-called "leaders" make sure that we're all numb and sated on TV and sex and religion and drugs and commercialism. Helps make it easier to maintain the status quo.
So where am I going with all these lovely new insights? No where really. Change may be in the wind, but it will be at a time and a place of my choosing. And it will likely happen so gradually that you'll never even notice. Or not...historically speaking it could go either way. In the meantime, here we have a lovely little look into Mike's thoughts, or should I say Stryder's dementia? Enjoy!
Ok, well technically it's not May Day, but rather May the second, but as the little worm in the Labryinth says, "that's close enough!"
Not a lot to say today, except ask and ye shall receive:
"This Morning (And You Were Gone)"
Doris and I recorded this last night...song I wrote and of course you all know the words since you all read my last blog
Right? Right!
We also recorded another version of this song and lots of other fun stuff, covers and improv, with what is quickly becoming our new band! I'm sure now and then this stuff will show up on the net so stay tuned! Another jam session is slated for next Thursday!
Can you tell I'm psyched? Nice!
