What do I want??

 I'm so jealous of people who feel that they have a calling in their life.  Particularly if they've pursued that calling and are now making a living by it.  Even more so if said calling is STILL not "work" to them even after they've been doing it for a while!

I've never really KNOWN what I want to be.  My mom asked me once when I was sixteen or seventeen "What do you want to do when you grow up?" and my answer was something like, "I dunno, hang out with my girlfriend and play guitar?" or something along those lines. 

Well, I still play lots of guitar, although I've never made a dime at it, or even tried to, and that particular girlfriend has more or less refused to talk to me for over a decade now, so obviously it's about time I reassessed the situation...

Perhaps it's a little too late, now that I have a career that pays well, offers job security and has a good pension.  I'd be an idiot to leave that behind in this day and age to chase some whimsy, even if I COULD determine what I actually want to do. 

So what I need is to figure out something to do that's more fulfilling that what I'm doing now, and that I can do while still keeping my job with the T.T.C. as well. 

You're going to say "Gee, Mike, you WRITE constantly!  Why don't you do that??"  I can hear you now...

That's a great question...one that I usually brush off with some excuse like "I don't have the inspiration to write more than these little Internet articles," or "I just don't have the time and energy to invest in a large-scale project."

Excuses, indeed!  Both of the above statements are true, BUT also pretty weak.  I WOULD like to write, but every time I start a large project I abandon it.  Why?  I can think of two reasons:

1.  I am lazy.  I'd rather watch TV or something.
2.  I am afraid of failure.  I don't want to invest a ton of time and effort into writing a 500 page novel only to realize on page 485 that it SUCKS! 

These are both lousy reasons not to do something!  I know from personal experience over the last couple of years that my laziness is easily combated by just a little willpower and adherence to a routine.  I also am completely sure that just because I don't know if something will work out or not, that is NO REASON not to try it.  Even if it fails horrendously, failure is only training for success!  What else am I doing, anyway?  Watching reruns of Modern Family and eating chocolate?  Ok, that IS fun.  However, if I actually get off my ass and accomplish something, that's even MORE fun!  Also, reruns of Modern Family will always be there, and I can eat chocolate and still type one handed!  Any other excuses, brain?  Hah...I thought not...

Huh.  So maybe I DO KNOW what I want.  Interesting!  However, will I act on it?  If I don't, I'll have to live with my own hypocrisy.  I hate that. 

Well, stay tuned!  Perhaps this is the start of something...larger.