Ideology?

I feel as though I am in an unfortunate position in life in that I am smart enough to see that the way that we live as a species from day to day and conduct our affairs, the way that we treat each other and ourselves is foolish and wrong.  However, I'm not smart or powerful enough to change or even make a large number of people aware of this condition.  Not that I suspect that awareness is a major concern.  I think that each of us who have well-meaning souls and hearts that care also have eyes to see and know deep down that much of what we do and believe is wrong.  However, most of us on this planet have been living with this feeling of wrongness for our whole lives.  We are unable to envision a different way of life or incapable of enacting an alternative even if we are clever or lucky enough to imagine a viable one.  As the noose of our increasingly global culture of consumerism and tech-worship grows ever tighter, we are losing some essential element of humanity.  A sense of wonder or connection to divinity or sense of...I don't know what.  Just that something is missing from nearly everyone's life, most people are well aware of it but no-one wants to discuss it or even acknowledge it and that no-one really knows what to do about it. 

We need a new hero, someone much smarter than I, to show us how to take another step in the right direction towards balance and enlightenment.  Or we need thousands, even millions of people just like me who are willing to all acknowledge the problem and work together to break the old, tired ways and find the next step together.  At some point in my life, years ago, I stopped believing in the future.  I stopped really believing that the future existed or that it was a place I would want to see.  I gave up on the future and lost all hope for humanity.  I lost that hope and I think that in many ways my life has suffered for it.  Now I'm hoping to hope again.  This age of humanity is all but over.  I want to hope for the new age!  Break down walls and obliterate ancient and cruel beliefs.  Have new ideas.  Find and embrace new truths.  Start trying to evolve into what's to come!  We must do this or die.  It is our choice.  Our hope.  Our lives and our world to save if we can!  The future begins now if we want it, and really, what have we got to lose?

Welcome to the Post-Intimate World

A few days ago I was (well, let's be honest), whining to a friend of mine about the lack of intimacy in my life and how lately I am starting to miss it.  I'm not talking about sex here (although yes, also lacking and also missed, thank-you-very-much) but more about that state you get into in a relationship where you can pretty much do or say any stupid, inconsequential thing that passes through your brain without worrying about it and you hear every little thought your significant other has in her (or his) head.  It's the time in a relationship, usually after you've been dating and living with each other for a while, where you can basically do anything you would do alone, but there's another person there too.  As much as I've been happy alone I'm starting to miss that level of intimacy with another human being.

To me, this level of intimacy is really the ideal state of being, but also one which is so rare and impossible that I wonder if most people EVER experience it for real.  I'm talking that John & Yoko level of inseparability in a relationship, where your names just seem to go together naturally.  When people see one of you they automatically look for the other and are confused if you both aren't present. 

Thinking about it, I'm not really sure if I've ever really experienced what I am describing here.  I've certainly come very close at least once.  I've also failed miserably at it on a few occasions, despite the forced closeness of shared living arrangements and whatnot.  It makes me wonder if the sort of relationship I want even truly exists in real life, or if it's just a myth perpetuated by media and popular culture.  Perhaps I've had to sit through too many rom-coms in my day and I'm just buying into crap.  I guess in my experience all I can say for sure is that the level of intimacy I want in my life can possibly exist, but is unsustainable over long periods of time.  Of course, this means that it isn't truly that level at all, so perhaps it doesn't actually exist.

Anyway, I've been very happy being single and solitary and haven't made a single serious attempt to change that situation in well over a year now.  I also have no plans to change that behaviour in the near future.  I AM, however,  starting to be concerned that I've lost faith in the possibility of EVER changing this situation.  I don't even know if that's a bad thing, but it does feel a little like another step down cynical lane.  One more brick in the metaphorical wall.  I honestly don't care too much about that, either, but since I've been trying so hard to be more self-analytical and aware of my own feelings on a larger scale, I thought I better address it.  So what have I decided?

At the end of the day I have stopped believing in the idea that I will ever be able to sustain a relationship with the level of intimacy that I desire and I am also unwilling to settle for anything less. A while back I got indignant when a friend implied that I'd still be single a year from now.  However thinking about it now, he was probably right.  Well, I'm okay with that.  I've come close to what I want once or twice and that's more chances than most people get.  I have to assume that the fault lies with me.  I am likely too strange and intolerable for any sort of sustainable relationship of ANY quality.  Although I guess I hope I am wrong.  Maybe I've just yet to meet the right girl.  All I can say is, if that IS the case than she better hurry up.  No one's getting any younger 'round here.

Now in HD! Tell your friends and neighbours...

Well it's been kind of a nothing week and this'll be kind of a nothing post.  The week seemed to pretty much just fly by, with me getting used to my schedule and trying desperately not to think too hard about smoking.  I've gone 11 days so far!  Nowadays I don't have the constant desire to smoke but when I DO get a craving, it's much stronger.  Fortunately such moments pass quickly.

Oh in case you haven't seen it yet, check out my thoughts about epic Kevin Smith film RED STATE over at Fruitless Pursuits.  I almost posted the review here since it's more serious than what I'd usually post on that web site but I figured I'd split the difference.  It's more topical for over there but has those religious and psychological implications I'd prefer to discuss here.  I guess I could have double posted but whatever.

In other news, I went ahead and bought that Blu-Ray player I was talking about.  I got the Counting Crows disc as well, although I had to wait a few days to find it.  Great disc.  I've watched the concert twice now, and the sound and video quality are superb.  Next best thing to being there!  If you're a fan, I definitely recommend it.

I also purchased the following Blu-Ray's as there was a big sale on when I went to get my player.  What do you suppose these titles say about me?

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Serenity
Memento
The Big Lebowski
Shaun of the Dead
Across the Universe

Three of these movies I previously owned on DVD and still couldn't refuse!  Oh and be careful watching the Big Lebowski.  It may inspire you to drink White Russians, which although tasty contain a LOT of booze and may leave you very unexpectedly hungover the next day.  I'm just sayin'.

Oh and of course, today is the day that Star Wars - The Complete Saga is released!  You may wonder why I am still sitting here typing this blog when I could be on my way to the store?  That is an excelllent point.  See you next week!

Smoking Cessation - Day 3.

Thurs 9:40 am.  Welcome to day 3 of quitting smoking!  The last day I'm going to blog about, thank goodness!  So far, I've successfully managed 2 days without a cigarette and am fully intent on continuing this trend.  Things are all right.  I slept okay last night and woke up in a decent mood this morning.  I am not absolutely dying to smoke, although I do have a tension headache all ready.  Still, I suspect that today will be better than yesterday, as yesterday was better than the day before.  Today I have actual stuff to do as well, so perhaps it will help to have something else to focus on.  I`m off to the chiropractor and then the comic books store!

Thurs 10:31 am.  OK so I haven`t left for the chiro yet or anything.  My appointment isn`t until 11:30.  I just had a shower and stuff and it took FORevER.  I am still feeling slow and slightly incompetent today.  Again, MUCH better than yesterday though.  I was mad too cause I weighed myself and I`ve gained like, 7 pounds over the last few days.  Blech.  Oh well it`ll go away when I`m back on a routine next week.  However in honour of feeling fat now, I will walk to the chiro and then comic book store instead of driving like a sucker!  Take that!

Thurs 1:55 pm.  Ok well that was a long walk!  Three and a half hours later I`m back from the chiro and comic book store, very successfully I may add.  Picked up Frank Miller's "The Dark Knight Strikes Again" as well as a few of the new DC relaunch titles, which I doubt will be as good as Miller's work.  Haven't been dying for a smoke the whole time, unlike yesterday....I have cravings about once every 10 or 15 minutes that just cross my mind and then wander out again.  Not nearly as hard to focus on other things today. Hey, I'm actually motivated to do stuff!  So that's good.  This whole quitting thing isn't so impossible after all.  At least so far....

Thurs 4:34 pm.  Just won game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals.  Leafs vs Flames.  Still playing NHL 10.  Think I'll switch to Lego Batman next.  Who needs cigarettes when Xbox exists?

Fri 12:16 am.  I see I have forgotten all about this blog.  Oh well I'll post now.  Didn't smoke yet!  Have a good night...