To begin with...

Our thoughts flitted around like hummingbirds in a meadow
frenetic
filled with life and sound
a kind of music
the too-quick beats of tiny, fragile hearts
a haze of red and blue
green
never settling on a single subject,
but sampling them all

love
trust
sadness
death
the search for higher meaning
or something less defined

why should we have just one conversation
when we can taste everything?

Had the strangest dream

I dreamt today that I was sitting in a train in the subway yard (which we don't really do) eating my lunch and that I bumped the brakes on and off. Suddenly a huge gust of wind took over the train and it jumped the tracks and starting careening wildly about the dreamscape of my mind. Bucking and rolling sideways, I narrowly avoided hitting a children's birthday party, a graduation, a governor's ball and some sort of garden party. Sadly, I did managed to ram several cars, however they were parked. Many of my co-workers saw what was going out and rushed over to check it out. One suggested I jump off the train, but another was like, "No, stay on it looks like fun!" and this is what I chose. Eventually the train started going around in circles in a large parking lot where it ran out of steam and finally settled down.

Afterwards, I walked back to the division to go talk to the bosses about this incident. As I went, I tried to see what time it was but my watch would show me everything except the time. I could see cartoons, kaleidoscopic images, a timer, various other watch-like functions, and even a function that made the watch grow to 5 times it's size, making it look like a watch that perhaps bugs bunny would wear. However, I could not determine the time of day, and was rather worried as I knew I had to go and drive another train at some point. I also realized at this point that I was not in uniform. I had my correct jacket but was otherwise dressed in sweat pants and a t-shirt. So I began to get quite worried about getting home to change clothes before coming back to work as well. First though, I had to go see the boss.

I got to the bosses office and it was in an open area with a big round table, a la king Arthur. Seated there were the big boss, his assistant, another supervisor and several random operators. I went to sit down and when I did a guy and girl who were obviously a couple sat down next to me. Actually the guy sat next to me and the girl sat on my lap and proceeded to speak to the guy without even acknowledging my presence. I thought I might speak up, but then the bosses started talking to me. They asked what happened and I replied that I had no idea. I had bumped the brakes for a second but there was no way that a train should react that way. All three nodded and then they got up to leave. I was like, "is that it?" and they replied that they would need to investigate the matter further and then they left.

So here I am alone at this round table with this random girl sitting on me. Sometime during my conversation her boyfriend had left so she suddenly deigned to notice my presence. She apologized for sitting on me but thought I wouldn't mind as she is very light. I basically said that I guess it didn't matter but that I had to get up now and leave to go get changed, so she got up and let me leave. Once again I tried to check the time but now my watch was doing crazy things, spinning and growing and shrinking at random and shooting out rainbow coloured lights. A co-worker noticed and asked where I had gotten the watch, as he thought it was cool. "I don't know," I replied, "it was a gift."

I decided to go to my car to get home and also check the time, but I couldn't find it in the confusion Instead I ended up wandering around and around the parking lot searching and hoping the runaway train hadn't crushed it, all the while getting more and more anxious about being able to change and return to work on time to get my next train.

That's where my dream ended. Classic rock woke me from my nap and it took me several minutes to realize that, as fantastical as that was, it was only a dream.

but what does it mean, exactly?

Musings on Bread

How I feel pity
for that last lonely piece of bread
left to sit in the bag
in the back of the fridge

he'd always been different
he didn't fit in
he'd only ever glimpsed one other piece like him
(and she was so much farther up the social scale)
and now all the others are gone
they coupled up and left him.
How come they don't split up evenly?
why is he left alone
mouldering away
in the back of the fridge?

Oh silly piece of bread
it's no crime to be different
and the reason you are alone
is because all the others have been devoured.

Halfway Through February

halfway through February
and i think about what I'll say
when next I see your face
your pretty smile
your snide looks and sarcastic comments
(if I ever see your face again)

is it wrong that I'm happier to be here alone?
is it strange that I don't want to know?
or are those just the things I tell myself when I want to forget?
("try to tell myself the things I try to tell myself to make myself forget...")

I used to feel that everything in my world would fall into place if I could just make it revolve around you
I used to think that the words "Love, Always" meant something
why must I be reminded every February, when life is always at it's lowest ebb?
I already know I made a mistake.
I did what I thought I had to do.
I was wrong and I am sorry.

halfway through February and sorry means even less than "Love, Always"

this is a letter to someone who will never read it
this is a message to myself
this is the last leaf in the breeze from an Autumn best forgotten
this is a cold world
it's halfway through February.

what did I expect?