Smoking Cessation - Day 2

Wed - 9:52 am.  Good day and welcome to day 2 of quitting smoking.  Day one, of course, can be found here.  So far day two is going rather well.  I've been up for about an hour.  I slept in a LOT cause why not.  At this stage, ever hour counts.  I'm still jonesing for a cigarette pretty badly but don't feel like utter crap or anything.  More than anything I'm just a little dizzy and easily distracted.  Also feel short of breath all the time.  Odd, as you'd think it would be the opposite and that not inhaling smoke would help me breath more easily.  Anyhow, we'll see how it goes throughout the day.

Wed - 11:55 am.  Well in about 5 minutes I'll be half-way through my 3 days.  3 days is important to quitting smoking because that is how long it takes for the actual physical withdrawal symptoms to run their course (on average of course).  Psychological addiction  may NEVER fully abate, but does tone down.  However the actual physical symptoms are what make the initial 3 days something of a living hell.  Although right at the moment I can't complain too much.  I may be suffering somewhat, but no one's came over to put a hot red poker in my eye or anything.  I think I'll live, is what I'm getting at.  My main problem right at the moment is severe lack of focus.  Laundry has become a massive chore as I just stare at things willing my brain to remember what I was supposed to be doing with them.  (You know, detergent, laundry room key.  Not rocket science!)  Ah well, half-way is here.  I am fairly confident now that I'll make it straight through. 

Wed - 12:55 pm.  Laundry is taking forever and I just had to re-write two reviews for Fruitless Pursuits that were randomly deleted the first time.  Stupid Yahoo.  Actually it's my own fault since I've left the window open all morning and kept coming back to it time and again instead of just sitting and doing it all at once like a normal person.  Lack of nicotine = lack of focus!!!  Maybe I need some Ritalin to see me through!

Wed 4:13 pm.  Still so far so good.  Lazy and uninspired day but at least I'm not smoking.  Not suffering too much either although I feel like I could manage my time a little better.  Got some serious couch-lock going on.  Oh well what can ya do.

Wed 6:17 pm.  Well once again I've come to the end of another day without smoking.  I don't know how much more there is to say about it than I already have.  Hopefully tomorrow will be nicer.  Today felt like a big unmotivated waste.  I guess long-term it's worthwhile.  Gotta keep the big picture in view.  See you tomorrow!

Smoking Cessation - Day 1.

Tues - 11:26 am.  So far it's been about 12 hours since I last had a cigarette.  I figure I'll blog the first 3 days since they're the hardest.  I'll just keep quick notes such as this throughout the day and then post it in the evening sometime or tomorrow morning at latest.  So far, so good.  Went through my morning and to the grocery store without losing my mind or harming any innocent pedestrians.  I consider this a success.  Now to distract myself for the remainder of the day...

Tues - 12:58 pm.  Geesh it sucks not smoking after lunch.  You get this hollow feeling in the middle of your brain and a pain right between the shoulder blades.  Also a stiff neck.  Oh well, it passes after a bit if you ignore it long enough.  Scott Pilgrim on Blu-Ray with pop-up video-like feature turned on is my major distraction so far. 

Tues - 2:52 pm.  I am suddenly very aware of my teeth, as if I have too many for the inside of my mouth.  I realize that I've been clenching them for several hours now.  Oops!  Otherwise not too bad.

Tues -  4:32 pm.  Right after I posted the above I got an e-mail from Brain telling me that the HMV downtown has the Counting Crows Blu-ray that I am looking for in stock.  Naturally I went down to pick it up.  It was a great distraction but now that I'm home I want to smoke more than ever.  All that doing stuff had about a million "good time to smoke now" cues.  Luckily I've managed to resist although it feels like someone's hand is inside my skull crushing my brains like so much used up play-doh.

Tues - 6:36 pm.  Still hanging in there.  Watching Counting Crows.  Ate dinner, which may have been a mistake since now I want to smoke more than ever.  However I know it will pass.  In any case I'm tired of updating this for the day so we'll see if I held out all night tomorrow!

August and Everything After...

Hey September 1st!  Happy Birthday to my buddy Brian, pictured here with an Artoo unit, who's making me feel less old by joining me in being 34 today!

34.  It seems sort of officially adult doesn't it?  Well, it's been a good year for me.  One of self-examination and, I feel, enlightenment.  Some may say self-absorption.  It's all good.  

So this is the first blog I've done in a while with absolutely NO game plan. I thought I'd do an old-style stream of consciousness blog for once, instead of a more thought-out essay as has been my style of late.  Hey, why not, right?

So today marks my last week of work before another week's vacation.  Kind of bummed that I have nothing to do over Labour day...the traditional "go up north or go down south" plans have all fallen through.  I was of course initially planning on visiting NYC for the first time but instead I gave all my money to pay more of my debts off.  I feel like I spent too much money all ready this year and I should do something more responsible than fun.

Which isn't to say that it's all boring.  I am super excited because I found out that my favourite band, Counting Crows, released a blu-ray concert of them performing their entire first album, "August and Everything After".  Appropriately released in the last week of August!  So next week I plan to buy both a blu-ray player and this coveted disc.  Counting Crows became my favourite band on the strength of their awesome live recordings rather than their studio albums, and this seems like the live recording to end all live recordings.  I don't know what else I need on blu-ray but I am somewhat addicted to HD format since buying my new TV back in May and this release finally gives me a chance for my final upgrade.  You know, at least till I decide 5.1 sound isn't enough and go for 6.1....

Oh the above pic is from this year`s Fan Expo, which we attended last weekend!  It was fun.  I posted pics and thoughts over at Fruitless Pursuits so check them out here if you haven`t yet!  I suspect that next week I'll also have a review of the aforementioned blu-ray disc to post as well.

So I am re-reading the novel "Microserfs" by Douglas Coupland.  I didn't buy enough books last time I was at the book store so I'm stuck on re-runs.  This one is very entertaining though.  It's interesting reading a book with so much tech/computer content that was published in 1995.  Nostalgia!  I should have taken the book's advice and bought Apple stocks back then, but oh yeah...I had no money.  Oh well.  Anyway here's an interesting quote relating to a theme I've had on my mind this whole year.  Guess it's been in my subconscious for 15 years or more...

"I realized that I envied Karla's way of just talking about whatever was on her mind.  She's fearless, exploring her theories and neuroses with the conviction that self-knowledge will bring the solutions.  The more I notice this, the more I admire this."

HEY!  That's just what I'm trying to do here!  Sweet.

Actually "Microserfs" has several quote-worthy passages and hidden gems of wisdom that must have stuck with me over the years.  It's a great book.  If you haven't read it give it a shot...one of the main reasons that Coupland's been about my favourite author ever since I first picked up "Generation X" all those years ago.   

Well for a post about nothing this one is getting long.  Any other must have blu-ray's people can recommend then let me know!  Happy September everybody!  One more weekend and it's the unofficial start of my favourite time of year!  Autumn, how I've missed you. 

Oh P.S. I've been cutting down on my smoking for the last month.  Next Tuesday is my quit day.  So for the next 2 or 3 weeks, if I come across as a complete and total jackass, please forgive me.  It'll be the lack of nicotine talking.  Assuming I succeed for long.  I'll keep you updated.  If cold turkey won't work next week, then it's off to the doctor for all the help modern medicine can provide.  Wish me luck!

John Irving & the Worst-Case Scenario

John Irving has, over the last couple of years, worked his way up the heap to become one of my all-time favourite authors.  What started with a casual interest in reading "Cider House Rules" after seeing the movie has bloomed into a quest to read all of Irving's novels.  I want to devour every last word the man has written.

However, one has to be careful about over-exposure when perusing the works of Mr. Irving.  Although brilliant, he tends to write some very bleak, heart-rending literature.  Don't get me wrong, he's wickedly funny at times, but what sticks with me the longest after reading one of his novels is the overwhelming tragedy that stalks his characters throughout.   For that reason, I only tend to choose John Irving for every fourth or fifth book that I read.    If I read too much all at once I get, shall we say, moody....

I recently finished Irving's latest novel, "Last Night in Twisted River".  (Incidentally, you can peruse a micro-review along with reviews of some other novels at Fruitless Pursuits, HERE).  At the end of this novel, both within the plot and through an afterword, Mr. Irving reveals some of his writing process.  Two things really captured my imagination.  First, Irving writes his novels backwards!  He writes the last sentence first and works his way backwards to the first sentence. This fascinated me as it would never occur to me to write this way.  Now that it's been suggested though, I kind of want to try it.  Maybe one day...

Secondly, and more importantly for our purposes, Irving thinks about his characters' situations and comes up with the worst-case scenario for those characters that still allows them to fulfill their role in the plot.  Since he's writing backwards, he already knows the final destinies of his characters and what they need to accomplish.  All he needs to do now is make them suffer for it.

Well, this interests me because I relate to it.  Both in my writing and in my actual life.  I frequently picture the worst-case scenario for any situation.  That's not to say that these scenarios come to pass or that I pessimistically expect them to.  Quite the contrary, I've been described in my life as "stupidly optimistic," believing things will work out even when confronted with a real life worst-case scenario.  I generally imagine what horrible things could happen, or even are likely to happen, but then do whatever it is I have planned anyway, regardless of any potential consequences.   

So why do I bother even imagining the worst-case scenario if it isn't going to alter my behaviour?  John Irving says that he does it to sort of ward off these terrible things in real life.  Here's a brief quote from the novel's afterword:

"What I did not give Danny was my life, which has been largely happy and very lucky.  I gave Daniel Baciagalupo the unluckiest life I could imagine.  I gave Danny the life I am afraid of having - the life I hope I never have.  Maybe that's autobiographical, too - in a deeper, more meaningful, certainly more psychological way.  (When you write about what you fear, about what you hope never happens to you - or to anyone you love - surely that's a little autobiographical.)"

I don't know if I imagine my own worst-case scenarios for the same reasons, although his reasons certainly strike a chord with me.  In the end, I guess I think of these things for the same reason I write in the first place -  because I can't help myself.  My mind, when left idle, just starts pumping out a lot of potential "what-ifs."  A lot of them are incredibly dark.  Why?  I do not know.  I guess it's just the way I am.